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Had a difficult day today. The play finished last night and that was all fine but the yearning was on me today. I played soccer in the morning on a very warm day, which is always triggering as it reminds me of the holiday and our summer walks and outings, though in truth most of that was last year as this summer was completely ruined apart from the holiday  I went to the park where she and I frequented and it totally triggered me. I got home and broke down in tears and my wife took pity on me and consoled me. We have resolved to be good friends even though we both know the marriage is over. I told her several times how sorry I am for the way I’ve behaved and I wanted her to know what a decent person she is.

My friend has given me a link to some EMDR counselling which I’d never heard of but apparently it’s for PTSD. He said he felt I needed it and it was of great help to him. So I’ll consider that among other options. After playing soccer, despite the grief, my mood has improved. I’m still going to see my doctor but the suicidal thoughts have lifted.

As well as experiencing grief I am starting to feel angry at myself for allowing my ex to treat me with so little respect. Whatever the whys and wherefores of the situation I should never have allowed her to call me abusive and a narcissist. That should’ve been a deal breaker, as should the continuous use of silent treatment, not to mention the violence. I’ve started to keep an abuse diary, tracing it back to the very earliest stages of the relationship, not to apportion blame but so I can see that I should have protected myself long before I finally did. At least I put a boundary up after her last ending of the relationship and attempted reconnection to see my play. By telling her I didn’t invite her to the play because she dumped me, I inadvertently ensured the end of the r/s. I thought she might at least acknowledge that point but it hardened her against me and brought about the end. I believe it was the final straw for her because I was supposed to chase her and beg her to see the play. I just didn’t have the stomach for it anymore. There was still a final chance to make some kind of reconnection with the cinema trip but again, I didn’t want to jump through the hoops she would have made me jump through. In the end I just didn’t want anymore emotional abuse. The circumstances around her home were awful; her daughter didn’t want me there, she had blamed all the arguments and shouting on me. She didn’t want to be intimate and she had told me that I was never the great love of her life. There was nowhere to go. I just didn’t have the stomach to try and get her back onside. It has broken my heart but I knew she didn’t want me anymore, even if I could now spend nights with her. I think it all hurts so much because I feel like I wasn’t good enough for her. It kicked right into my self esteem and sense of self worth. The NC from her has been deafening and painful and yet, despite the extremity of my emotional attachment I know it is the right thing. We were headed for Armageddon.

RF

Is this she and you, or also your wife involved? What do you see as Armageddon?

RF,

Good to hear you are doing better. One day longer, one day stronger. I hit week five of NC today. It was one of the roughest days ever but I made it through.

Turkish,

My wife has met somebody else. We are friends. I was referring only to my ex and I.

Cold Knight,

Hang in there pal. In having awful days and nights but getting stronger. I’m six months time we’ll both feel much healthier. Don’t let these psychopathic people take us down.

How did each of your twelve months look? Have you ever assembled a month by month review:

November 2018 Overall: Difficult Highlight: None Lowlight: Bullying and browbeating me on every topic and in every discussion. Second physical fight and breakup. Thinking to refocus on wife instead of affair partner February Overall: Difficult Highlight: Back together again Lowlight:

No I haven’t but that’s a good idea. What emerged though was even through what I thought were the good times, there were many incidents like when I let her drive my car and she was driving too fast and I asked her to take care, she suddenly stopped in the middle of the road and abandoned the vehicle in a temper. I walked around the block a few times and finally found her sitting outside a coffee shop like nothing had happened. There were so many instances of her not liking me being on my phone when I would spend a few seconds checking for messages. She on the other hand would spend time on her phone, talking to friends when I was with her. It got so in the end that I was worried about checking work messages in front of her. Numerous times of her calling me a liar, a narcissist, completely unprovoked. One other thing stands out clearly too. We had one lovely drive to the seaside and she was as relaxed and happy as I’d ever seen her. A couple of weeks prior to this she had threatened to tell my wife after we’d had an argument. On this occasion she apologised to me and said she knew it was something that would frighten me and she used it against me. It was the only time she ever admitted anything of this nature. It really gave me hope at the time of a future and I loved her all the more.

Tell your wife what?

About the r/s. This was before she knew about it.