BPDFamily.com

Hi All,

Would like some advice.
I've been NC with my uBPD brother, at his request since April. He has been holding me responsible for a chaos in his life, and "me not being there for him". I've gotten tired of his accusations, as you can imagine it's not a first time he would fly off the handle and scream at me and this time I reacted and explained that his rages are distressing to me, after which he went completely crazy, told me I'm cause of him being angry and went NC.

My kind husband tried contacting him and inviting him over, but he responded that he is not ready to get together after what I told him.
I suspect he is also narcissistic and expects my life to rotate around his, and be very attuned to his needs.
When I didn't pickup on him being distressed he accused me of being an ungrateful sister and not being there for him over the years. I do have kids and family of my own, so can't really prioritize his needs over my family.

In any event, I'm ok with NC, in a way it's nice to get a break from his rages, I don't feel the need to run and fix the situation anymore.
Some days I do struggle with discomfort of NC, as in the past I've always been the one running over and apologizing for whatever happened. But this time around I don't feel the need to do it, I've already apologized for not calling when he was most distressed (even though
he didn't tell me he needed help), and I'm not going to apologize for telling him how his behavior makes me feel.
My mother on the other hand is very uncomfortable with this situation, she had been under his fire too, but now he decided to be close to her and mom wants to help him by listening to him, though she agrees that he has mental issues.

I talk to her often, mostly to check on her as she is elderly and lives by herself, we are not very close, as she does not really  make much of an effort to spend time with my family despite me asking to do that. 

Lately almost every time we talk my mother tells me latest news about my brother, which come down to him being angry and still very stressed out by whatever is going on in his life. My mother had manipulated us against each other in the past, not sure intentionally, but she has a history of doing it, and now she seems to be trying to stir me back into the pattern we had for years, where she plays a victim and we fight over her attention.

She knows me and my brother are not talking, and I'm at loss why she feels she needs to tell me about him.
If anything that makes me uncomfortable and I feel she is trying to manipulate my feelings and make me feel responsible for his issues.
Any advice on how to respond to that?
Thank you!

Hi tiah,  :hi:

Welcome! So glad to have you here in our family.  :)

What you're describing is classic triangulation. Have you ever heard about Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle (https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle)? We see it all the time with our pwBPD and also with those who want to smooth things over and get us back where we were before. Stepping out of the triangle upsets the apple cart so to speak, and no one wants the apples to spill all over! They want them back where they were neatly kept in place.

What do you think when you read this article? Do you feel it is helpful or enlightening to what you are going through?

 :hug:
Wools

Hi Wools!
Thank you so much for responding, appreciate it!
Yes, I’ve read that article and definitely can relate our family to the drama triangle. I’ve been rescuer, my mom has been a victim and my brother a prosecutor. We’ve been changing roles with my brother now and then, but it’s mostly stayed the same.
I’m pretty sure he is still playing the prosecutor currently towards me and a bit of victim towards mom, she acts as a rescuer towards him. I’m trying to stay out of it, though not sure how to change patterns we had for this long.
I’m not even sure what a functional family supposed to looks like, and how deeply ingrained relationship patterns can be broken out of.
Any suggestions?

Thank you!