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Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD => Parent, Sibling, or In-law Suffering from BPD => Topic started by: TJP on September 19, 2019, 10:21:18 AM



Title: SET: Am I getting it right?
Post by: TJP on September 19, 2019, 10:21:18 AM
Hi everyone,
I am new to the forum and  am looking for some help with SET.
My elderly BPD mom is currently in the hospital. I am an only (adult) child and have no other family to rely on. The guilt and shame and punishing abusive behavior is daily and relentless. She is angry that I am not visiting her more but the abuse is just too much. I am advocating for her from afar the best I can, but she texts me all day long passive aggressively how I am failing and how it's all my fault.
Would it look something like this? And I assume you have to "fake it" if you don't feel "supportive" anymore? I am confused because she was very physically abusive with me as a child and it's all coming back to me now that she's older, sick and unhappy. Of course it's been a lifetime of all of this, but worse now that she's sick because she believes I should be responsible for her.

S: I'd like to help you make sure you are getting the best possible care. I have been interviewing in-home care workers and advocating for your health care daily.

E: I know you are in alot of pain and feeling afraid and alone and you feel angry and abandoned that I am not with you everyday.

T: I have a full time job and can't be here everyday, I must also take care of myself, which is something you've told me in the past. You will have to accept help from others and I am here to help you find that help.

Am I getting it right? I'd love some suggestions for improvement. Keep in mind that she is very passive aggressive and deeply shaming/guilting with me no matter what I say.  


Title: Re: SET: Am I getting it right?
Post by: once removed on September 19, 2019, 02:04:58 PM
Excerpt
And I assume you have to "fake it" if you don't feel "supportive" anymore?

no.

communication that is absent of both sincerity and authenticity will be seen through. theyre really the most important ingredients.

some of your approach is a bit more about defending yourself against her accusations than what SET is designed to communicate.

Excerpt
S: I'd like to help you make sure you are getting the best possible care. I have been interviewing in-home care workers and advocating for your health care daily.

id stick with just the first sentence. its a good supportive statement.

Excerpt
E: I know you are in alot of pain and feeling afraid and alone and you feel angry and abandoned that I am not with you everyday.

an empathy statement is tricky because you do need to show that you understand where the other person is coming from and why, but you dont want to put words in their mouth or tell them how they feel.

i might focus on either the first half or second half of your statement - either how much it sucks, how scary it is (communicate in a natural language that you ordinarily use) to be alone in the hospital, or that you can empathize that the person she would want most to be around would be her daughter.

Excerpt
T: I have a full time job and can't be here everyday, I must also take care of myself, which is something you've told me in the past. You will have to accept help from others and I am here to help you find that help.

this is a little defensive. she knows you have a full time job...that isnt really the issue. the second sentence is JADEy, and she might well accuse you of using her words against her.

the truth is you cant be there every day, but that you want to help how you can, so what can the two of you do about it? youre interested in enlisting other people to help when you cant.

SET has a time and place. i find writing/text to be one of the best places, because it can be a bit formal.

however, what are you ultimately trying to accomplish here? thats important when it comes to what you want to communicate. are you trying to get her to see your point of view? trying to get her to chill out? trying to work out possible solutions?