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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: WTL on September 19, 2019, 06:54:02 PM



Title: Seeking advice on meeting someone. Internet dating
Post by: WTL on September 19, 2019, 06:54:02 PM
I’ve been talking to a woman for roughly 7 weeks. It’s long distance. 2 1/2 hours. We’re supposed to meet half way tomorrow and I have cold feet. She’s sweet, but my gut is screaming at me. She was in an abusive relationship/marriage for 27 years. She’s told me that I can heal her. I told her that that is up to her. At one point I asked for space to think about some things she said. She bombed me with texts. I should not make the trip to meet her. The guilt is pushing me into it. I need some help here. I don’t want to go but I already said that I am. I can’t and shouldn’t do this. This would be a last minute cancellation. But I really don’t want to go.


Title: Re: Seeking advice on meeting someone. Internet dating
Post by: once removed on September 19, 2019, 07:04:48 PM
one of the challenging aspects of getting back into the dating world is saying no, and being able to reject someone. its not fun or pleasant, but it is part of the process...you get to say yes to what you want, and no to what you dont want (and determine both).

i dont think asking for space and being bombed with texts is a great sign. it sounds like shes in a pretty emotionally needy and wounded place. there are a lot of people in the dating world that are. ive been there myself.

i dont think thered be anything wrong with saying you two are looking for different things, and that you hope someone can better offer her what shes looking for.


Title: Re: Seeking advice on meeting someone. Internet dating
Post by: Gemsforeyes on September 19, 2019, 07:20:38 PM
Dear WTL-

A large part of your healing work here is learning to trust yourself, listening to yourself.  I believe what you’re feeling is a whole lot more than “cold feet”.

OR is correct on this one.  Be kind to and honest with yourself and her... cancel and express that you two are looking for different things.  Wish her the best And then turn off your phone.  It’s OK to do this and be done with “healing” other people.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes


Title: Re: Seeking advice on meeting someone. Internet dating
Post by: WTL on September 19, 2019, 07:24:11 PM
I just told her that I won’t be meeting her. Anxiety is a bit high now, but I’m not going. I’m sure I’ll get some feedback from her. Thanks for validating the text bombing. It started to become overwhelming, but I still feel responsible for that stuff. To respond right away. It’s weird. I now know that I’m not obligated to do that anymore, but I do off the cuff. It’s habit.

I really appreciate the feedback.


Title: Re: Seeking advice on meeting someone. Internet dating
Post by: WTL on September 19, 2019, 07:30:34 PM
Thank you Gems.


Title: Re: Seeking advice on meeting someone. Internet dating
Post by: Gemsforeyes on September 19, 2019, 07:58:46 PM
Hey WTL-

Please give yourself some credit for actually knowing that this was not going to be good for you.  Sometimes we just need a little boost.  You CAN trust yourself.  It’s a journey.

And no, WTL, you have no obligation to explain or engage further with her.  Let yourself off the hook.

Have a restful evening... and tomorrow, do something you enjoy.

Warmly,
Gems


Title: Re: Seeking advice on meeting someone. Internet dating
Post by: WTL on September 19, 2019, 08:33:23 PM
Thank you again, Gems and I will. I think several things went on here. I learned more about listening with empathy and validating the person I was listening to. My gut told me something. She is by no means a borderline or anything of the like, but she has suffered trauma, and we are in two completely different places (stages) when it comes to that. She doesn’t understand that. I get it.

I feel like I’m letting her down. That I’m hurting her. I don’t want to, but I’m not into it with her.


Title: Re: Seeking advice on meeting someone. Internet dating
Post by: gizmocasci on September 19, 2019, 08:55:04 PM
My gut told me something.

having gone against my gut recently, i advise you stick with it. the only person to worry about and take care of, is yourself. if this was a green light, you would've felt it.

best of luck

r


Title: Re: Seeking advice on meeting someone. Internet dating
Post by: Turkish on September 20, 2019, 12:48:16 AM
Excerpt
She’s told me that I can heal her.

Nope. And how would she know that if you could, not knowing you?

You can't use another person to fix your problems with a completely different person, that's impossible. 


Title: Re: Seeking advice on meeting someone. Internet dating
Post by: once removed on September 20, 2019, 01:05:20 AM
Excerpt
I feel like I’m letting her down. That I’m hurting her. I don’t want to, but I’m not into it with her.

saying no to a person or rejecting them can be hard. it does sting. i dont think anyone likes to be in that position, and we dont like to be the person to put them in it.

sometimes the healthiest decisions are the hardest. i think that the latter stages of detaching are about learning to make those hard, but healthy decisions.

i think what your gut was likely telling you was "im not into this, but my fear of hurting her is causing me feelings of indecision".

sometimes "no" is a greater kindness. its very possible that after she licks her wounds, she will see that this approach is overbearing, pushes people away, and telegraphs neediness, and learn from that, just as you have. maybe it will take a few times. or maybe she will find a like minded person who is receptive to it. youre in a different headspace...a different stage of detaching if you will  :).

youre going to face more of this again. a lot of it, in the dating world. there are a lot of lonely, wounded, even desperate people out there. these arent things to fear (im not saying you felt afraid). theyre things to learn how to navigate.

overcoming the anxiety of saying no and rejecting another person, and saying yes to the things we seek, is part of learning how to navigate.