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I tried it a few times in a calm, but firm voice. BPD mom screams, you aren't polite at all. You're rude!

I'm dropping that but was wondering if there is something else I can say.   :(

 :)  Hi TelHill.  I have never used it with anyone except when i wanted to get a dig in with my mother or my ex (and it was I will talk with you when you are calm).  I know, it was not nice and downright wrong of me.  I did not always handle things in healthy and emotionally intelligent ways.  I definitely contributed to the dysfunction and weaponized some of the tools.  I'm not saying you are doing that though.  Just sharing a different take on it.

I have also been on the receiving end of that statement from my ex.  He would use it anytime he did not like the way the direction a conversation was going or if I got the slightest bit upset or raised my voice a bit.  ugh!  I can tell you the phrase still gets my stomach turning.  If I wasn't that upset before hearing it, I would be after for sure.  :)

Whew!  that was a bit of a rant there!  haha

Alternatives?  I turn it around and make it about me not being in a good place to have the conversation.

What do you think?

Hi Harri,

This is mentioned in site pointers on how to best communicate with your bpd relative when they are raging. That's the only reason I tried it. Am pretty sure it's in one of the videos. Or perhaps it's my interpretation?  Did not mean to trigger the negative for you.  :hug:

I will definitely say I'm not in a great place now. Can we resume when I am?  That's positive.

Ooops.  My point was that *I* weaponized it as did my ex.  Tone, attitude, facial expressions can all change the meaning and intent.  Unfortunately, my point got lost in my rant.  Sorry.   The idea of the tools and how they can be weaponized has been in my head for a couple of days now and it influenced my response here.

You did not trigger me at all.  I just remember it and how it went down for me when on both ends of things.  It may work for others. 

I have read of others who have tried the way I use it now, by talking about myself, and that failed for them.  So I think trying different things as you asked here is important.  Let's see if anyone else has other ideas or experiences to share.

 :hi:

a lot of what "works" is not necessarily about calming our loved one down, or invoking a more helpful response from them (though sometimes it is). sometimes its more about navigating, coping, or just not escalating. getting through it, making the best of a bad situation.

so even if "i will respond to you when you are polite" was fine in and of itself, your mom may still scream...especially if shes worked up and wants to argue.


i do tend to prefer this style personally; theres no target to argue with, and its less likely to be perceived as punishment.

So after reading this thread, my take is the "when you are polite" part could sound like a "blaming" statement towards the BP, and the "I will respond to you" part could carry a tone of authority or even come across as condescending to some people...?

Maybe it's more "neutral" to use the "I" statement technique, and put it in terms of yourself and how you are feeling, and say something like " I am feeling scared/upset/unsafe right now.  I need to take a break.  Let's talk again when we are all feeling calmer".  This doesn't assign any blame, but it gives you the chance to communicate how you are feeling, and leave the situation, but with the reassurance that you will be back when things are calm (sets a healthy expectation/boundary, while also communicating that you will be back since BP's fear abondonment).

Honestly, I think using this technique under duress takes practice to get good at.  In the heat of the moment, there is so much going on, that a deep breath, and maybe some zen is probably needed to be able to pull it off.  Using this kind of response is also where I'm at with my mom.  I'm just waiting for my next opportunity to use this technique...which probably won't take long. lol

Having said that, sometimes my mom "wants" to rage, and nothing short of fire, earthquake or flood would stop her from raging if she's "wanting" a rage.  In that case, we've still communicated our boundary with the "I" statement, and taken the high ground without getting sucked into the drama.  I'm so glad you asked the question, because you've made me think about this more deeply, and I'm kind of curious and looking forward to using this to see how my mom responds.  I think your question has helped me figure this out!

i think thats dead on, Methuen

healthy/constructive/positive responses are hardest when we are under duress or stress.

One of the things my sponsor ( in adult child, and codependency groups) had me do was take "you " out of my conversations. It's awkward to do this, which is one of the points- makes me think about what I am saying. But speaking from the "I" perspective does two things- makes the statement less triggering and also has us own our feelings.


The other person can rant all they want. The problem is how we are feeling about it. If a total stranger was ranting, I think we'd think " well they are rude" but when it's our own mothers, we feel differently. We are often upset, hurt, and this is not a good place for us to be having a conversation as we aren't likely to be able to feel calm and rational.

So a simple " I'm not able to continue this conversation. I need a few moments to calm down" . Then end it- walk away, hang up the phone.

The ranting usually needs an audience. You may find it diminishes when you don't add fuel to it. It may escalate before it gets better, but if you are consistent, you will find it easier to use this technique to disengage.

It's about us learning to self soothe, not controlling them. :)

No, not difficult to change a statement for me. I want to get one that will help me and if it calms mom that's great too. Appreciate it.

At the top level for me is to refrain from catastrophizing or attaching importance to an irrational statement(s). The road to that needs to be without shaming myself or bpd mom.

I have had success with a variation of this in the past, when my mom calls and rages: „I understand that you are very upset right now. I am going to hang up now, and we can talk when we are both able to be calm.“ And then I hang up, because I‘ve stated my own boundary, and it‘s important to follow through on it—not waiting for her to respond and try to keep me hooked in the conversation. .