BPDFamily.com

Hello! I am ashemed posting My feelings and My life, But I know that, at the other side of the screen, there are some souls that suffer as much as I do, and understand the dizziness I have been through the Last 9 years of My life.
I was an angel at first, came from Heaven to rise His soul from the hell he was living, and gave him the Love and respect and admiration he eagerd all His childhood and all His life. His mother died when he was 12 , and he Felt really abandonned once more (he lived with His gradparents until 6, 2 bus stations Away from His family. They were too busy with their jobs and their greatest son, So they let the Little One there. Sometimes they took him home, because he cried a lot) .

I read that narcissistic beahaviour starts when the abuser feels that he has the victim under His claws. It wasn’t marriage and either the birth of our first child that triggered the narcissistic behaviour. It was the birth of our second child (But now that I think about it, I belive I had enough clues to suspect something it’s wrong, the BP was there all the time). There were some medical issues and we Could have lost the baby, let’s say 10% chances. The fear of death took His mind. From that moment, he turned into somebody else.
I struggled in the past 4 years to mentain My health, to understand what is going on, Why he yells in front of My children, in the evening, humiliating me, and in the morning, he espects me to Hug him, kiss him, and he calls me “My love”. There are many clues that I now see clearly, I gave up My well paid job, we moved far from the city (for the unpolluted air, he Said), I had to cut all My friendships and have him, and only him in the centre of My life.
Of course, he doesn’t think this way, he feels ignored and unloved.
And I feel like My heart is thearing apart! All My childhood , I had so many Dreams about My husband and he was never like My father, which I still So much Dislike..
But it turn out to be worse than My father..
 So many dreams about the Knight that would give me the Love, respect and admiration I deserved.. But now, this knight from My dreams turned out to be the beast from My nightmares.

I am really confused because I never know what he is really thinking. “It’s delicious, boys, isn’t it? Your mother is the best cook in South Eastern Europe! “ But after this, he goes to the fridge and eats some olives and bread, leaving His dish untouched..
“I am So pleased you gave up your well payed job to devote to our family!” he Said. But Later on, he yells that I stay home all day Long, doing nothing. Of course, it is not true. I homeschooled My boys (they started school 2 weeks ago, I need those 3 Hours daily to get My aromatherapy licence. he never liked to stay with the children, So I was waked up by them, I spend all day Long with them, and I put them to sleep, and sometimes I Fell asleep alongside  them,
I never had time for myself, to have My own thoughts, to realise something is wrong), I cleaned, cooked, did the laundry, the dishes, repaired the sink, the toilet, and everything that it is to be done in and around the house. He just had to go to His job and do some shoppings on Sathurday morning.

Now My boys started to act just like their father, and this is killing me slowly. I need to do something, to stop the abuse, the yelling, the humiliation, the silent treatment, accusations, bulling, and everything that is not an assertive behavior. I rarely express my frustration, my anger, my feelings, becaus I used to do this in the past and it turned out to be useless: he never understood me. “Get the hell out of here, you're Boring me! “,“ Oh, God, how can you be So boring! “, And So on, every time I dared to Tell him how much he is Hurting me. Of course, I'm crazy and he is perfect ..

I need help. I need to cope with him. I gave My family all I had, all My life. I don't want to divorce because I'm scared. And he is leading a team, he is charming, bright, intelligent, and I am only a housewife, for the last 5 years. I can't talk about what's actually going on behind the scenes, people would think I'm the One who's crazy. "He never cheat on you, he never hit you, you are crazy." But he is consuming alcohol every day. And he has a Very strange attitude towards food, which makes our Lifes Even more difficult