BPDFamily.com

Mod note: This topic was split from the following thread as it merited its own discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=339624.0

I think we all have those calendar dates that are potentially triggering. Today is the anniversary of my mother’s death. I’m OK about it, just a bit thoughtful.

My husband has realized that he starts to go into a depression around the time of his mother’s death. It happened and then he recalled why.

I always dread September 11, not just for the obvious reasons. On that date, there was a big fire in my area and I had to rescue my horses, riding bareback with only a lead rope, through fire burning on both sides of the road and overhead, while fire engines were racing past.

Those emotionally charged events get seared into our brains and when the calendar returns to that day, we get an emotional echo of the past.

I always remember dates too Cat, I think about the dates my Granny and Grampa passed... I always try to remember all the wonderful times I had with them.  

September 11th... would you believe that the very day before, September 10th, myslef and my three children were on several conecting flights enroute from Washington DC, to back home in Pensacola (I was stationed there at that time)... yeah wow,I remember how the flight itenirary had changed several times across those suspect days before we made that trip... that still haunts me to this day.

...the “what if” thing,

Yes, I too remember dates, and the connecting months... what happened... how it effected me etc’.

But as you say, over the years...I’ve tried to be mindful, and only mark the memories as a point in history, and not let it effect my present and current mood, frame of mind.

I do believe that our universal existence is all about numbers, numerology... karma, life paths, too many coincidences in my own life for me... to not believe that.

I digress  :(

Red5

We only really had two big breakups but I think the trigger was the length of our time together rather than the time of the year (July) I think July just happened to be a coincidence. A friend asked if I thought it was a July trigger.

I think the trigger was whenever we started to get close she would start to feel jealousy creep in. She told me early on she hated feeling jealous.  She said it made her feel “icky” and was not a “good look on her”. I think when those feelings began to crop up again she pulled away.

Hi.

The 10 year anniversary of my fathers death was on 9/19, two days ago.   My mother's is coming up October 27.  Generally I do not remember these types of anniversary dates, heck I have trouble remembering birthdates for those still alive :) so I am usually okay.  Last year was different for me. 

It started in August, just feeling a bit off, sort of depressed but not too bad.  It wasn't until October 27th that it hit me that it started around my mothers birthday and that that day was the death anniversary.  Lots of stuff came up about my mothers death and some really important stuff for my own continuing recovery.  I was caught by surprise for sure.  I was upset emotionally and off kilter and depressed for a bit there.  Nothing bad and it did not evoke rage (I just don't do that) or stuff like that, but I can see where a highly sensitive person with poor coping skills and perhaps buried trauma will have a really hard time and even act out.  It makes sense to me.

Cat, the experience of getting your horses out must have been scary and I can certainly see why it would affect you still. 

I was thinking about this very topic today, Cat, because today is the anniversary of my father's death- September 21, 2014, exactly five years ago.

I am okay with it, but it does make me sad for more than just the normal grief one would feel over the passing of a loved one. Our r/s was...dysfunctional at best. He was mostly a detached parent, critical, sometimes verbally abusive, resentful and grudge-holding, vindictive, entitled, controlling, and used FOG big time. Yet, I do think he loved me in the limited capacity that he understood love. I loved him in a limited way, too. I never knew what a "real" father/daughter relationship was like, so I took what I had and loved him within that capacity. FWIW, he never knew a "real" parent/child r/s either, since his parents died when he was two and he was raised by older siblings during the Depression in rural Arkansas. Not an easy life.

It is what it is. The r/s is over now, and what's done is done. I try to think of him in the best way possible when this day comes around, make peace, and go on.

If I don't consciously remember my August anniversaries, my body and spirit remind me. My sister died (age 32) in August, my father, and my grandfather. I try now to use my own early August birthday to honor them and make myself more aware -- otherwise, I slump into a short but definite depressive period. Going to the beach helps. Cooler weather as we move I to September helps.

The trigger dates for my uBPD H are our anniversary and the birthdays of his adult children, and Father's Day or his birthday.

This year, all of his children (all near 30 years old) did not acknowledge his birthday with so much as a card.  They are all in the BPD or NPD spectrum.  The children called, of course, but he would have really have liked a card in the mail.  One of his Ds, when he told her he was disappointed, lashed out at him, saying she was the mother of small children, is so very busy, and could not find the time.  His son, who is homeless, rarely even contacts him. 

@Red, remembering the wonderful times with our departed loved ones certainly helps mitigate the pain of their loss.

@ColdKnight—textbook “push and pull” cycle. Lots of pwBPD feel threatened when they start falling for someone.

@Harri—isn’t interesting how a part of our awareness will be processing feelings and events that we can be unaware of until something clicks?

I had to evacuate the horses again two years ago, when a fire was moving this direction. This time, the horses were at home and I loaded them in the trailer and took them to the fairgrounds.

I’m always mindful about fire, being a native Californian, and having had to evacuate as a young child. And we just got an automated call from the power company that due to predicted winds, they might turn off the power for days.  :(  Thankfully we had a bit of rain last week, but not enough to end fire season.

So I’m extra mindful about fire danger with more than a bit of PTSD. Every year I get the tree trimming crew to create more clearance. After the big fire in Paradise, my husband now understands.

@Redeemed. Wow, we both have something to think about as summer turns to autumn. When my mother died on the last day of summer, I remember thinking how she dreaded winter’s approach—a remnant I suspected from growing up in the extreme cold of North Dakota.

I’ve gotten to a place with my mom, like you with your father, where I realize that she loved me with all her heart. She really did her best, and that she was a pwBPD, it was a struggle for her.

I’ve written a bit about some of the dysfunction I experienced as a child and now I feel quite free of it, although I regularly realize some of the less than optimal programming I received. But at this point, it’s up to me to change that and it’s really freeing to discover one more piece in the puzzle that has kept me entrapped from being the best version of myself. :wee:

@GaGrl, you’ve got a lot going on in August! Do you do any type of ceremony to honor them? It seems like you deserve to have an unencumbered celebration of your birthday apart from the remembrance of your loved ones.

@AskingWhy—do you have any trigger dates of your own? Or is it merely triggering for you to know that your husband will regularly be triggered on your anniversary and his birthday?

The memories aren't really diminishing to my birthday -- I just try to use my birthday to be aware that August is an emotionally looking month. And hot here, too.

I do use our beach week in part to honor them. It is a place very special to my family, with opportunities for long walks and star-gazing.

I understand about the heat and humidity of the South in August.  :cursing:

What a lovely retreat to spend that time at the beach, having time to stargaze and take long walks and think of those beloved family members who contributed to you being you.

Tomorrow is my Dad's birthday.  It's been a couple years now since he passed away.  I still think a lot about him and the values he passed on to me...the example he set.

I'm very "deliberate" about self care on 9/11.  The course of life shifted dramatically on that date.  I had been in combat operations (Bosnia and Iraq) prior to that, but that was us "going over there" to get it done.

I didn't actually go flying on 9/11.  Got to the squadron and helped everyone be as prepared as possible for ?, since it was hard to know what we were dealing with.   

I did fly on 9/12 and it was one of the most surreal days of my life.  Being airborne in the United States with "only a few targets" on our radar, when normally they are uncountable.  Only military squawkers (IFF codes) were airborne.  Yet...all the air traffic controllers reported to work like normal.

So..we are all talking on the radio trying to sort out who knew what and what was going to happen.

Great thread Cat...thanks

Best,

FF

How fortunate you were to have a dad whose character was so inspirational to you, FF.  :heart:

What an incredibly unique experience to fly on the day after and wonder what the heck was going to happen.