BPDFamily.com

my wife, a beautiful woman, and great mother, has been diagnosed as BPD.
The issue is always against me. She is convinced I'm cheating, convinced I lying. Complete and total delusions.  A few weeks ago she was arrested for Domestic Violence assault with intent to do bodily harm against me (neighbor called 911).
She convinced her self I was sleeping with her therapist and her sister on the side. And we were plotting against her to have her put away in a mental hospital. She came at me throwing some hay-makers, then tried to kill herself, I tackled her and grabbed the gun she had, and a few seconds later the police showed up.  I love her care for her and want her healed, but i feel like I'm losing my own mental capacities, trying to deal with it. Shes been order in to an anger management class,  3 times a week counseling and and continued supervision by another adult. I relived her mother yesterday as the supervision, as normal when I got off work, somehow she is no convinced her mother and I are involved with one another.  Everything I say or do is somehow twisted to a dilution of me cheating on her, everything, I had to poop, last night, and had plenty of gas, this got translated into me having gay sex with someone I have never even heard of until last night.    

Hi HTH and *welcome*

Boy, you sure have been through it. I am so sorry to hear of the circumstances that brought you here, but I am glad that you have found our community. We understand here and you are not alone.

Will the counseling sessions three times a week be with the therapist she accused you of having an affair with, or someone else?  Is there a mental health treatment plan for her at this point? And wow, that must be very exhausting for you to have to make sure she has constant adult supervision. Do you think it is safe for you to be one of the people who supervises her? I can imagine you are very on edge wondering if there will be another attack or suicide attempt.

Please share more when you are ready. In the meantime, I hope you will settle in, read and respond to some of the others' posts here, and take a look at the resources when you feel up to it. Again, welcome to the family, and we are glad to have you here.

How many and how old are the kids?  This sounds like a recent development or trigger resulted in her escalating her behaviors. Was it the BPD diagnosis? How are you and the kids,  are you all safe? Can you tell us what led up to this?

T.

To anwser some of the questions, sorry it took me a while lost my login info. 
HTH-
yes same therapist,  but frankly anyone of the opposite sex she things I've  had an affair with.  For the record, I have never had an affair or anything close.

Turkish-
I'm not afraid for myself, and she has never threatened the children or put them in harms way.  We have two kids, and I have a child with my ex. Very recent development after our baby was born in August, I think a huge part of the trigger is post-pardom. 

Biggest issue I'm seeing at this point is the vary paranoid thoughts.  Yesterday she was convinced she was being recorded, tore apart our closet looking for recording devices, only whispers things to me so "they" can't here.  I said well if this is the case baby, we don't have anything to hide, and her response was they could digitally alter the recording so that they could claim she said anything. While this fear is irrational, it does stem from an incident from my ex telling her that she was able to monitor my phone calls, when we saw her at a community function. 

I'm really afraid the next step hospitalization. I also thing with BPD aspect it would be a death sentence, she would believe everyone has abandon her.

Dear howinthe,

This sounds like an extremely difficult time for you and your family.

Do you have a support network, anyone you could ask to step in for a while and either live with you for a while or come by and visit often. Someone your wife trusts?

From what you say, this is a recent development since the birth of your baby and aside from how stressful it is to be caring for a newborn, this new BPD challenge for your family makes this a rare and special situation.

warmly,
blue_watermelon

This behavior is concerning.   Can you bring her doctor in on this?  The doctor can't share info with you without her permission but you can share with him/her.  Can you talk with her about this when she is calm and not experiencing paranoia?  Set some limits and express your concern?

Howinthe,

It sounds like your wife could possibly be experiencing postpartum psychosis, or it could be related to another mental health issue. At any rate, my ex displayed the exact same kind of symptoms (pulling me outside to have conversations because "they" were listening, searching for listening devices, thinking he was being monitored and followed). I spoke to the counselor he was seeing at the time, who basically said he could do nothing unless my then-husband agreed to inpatient treatment which would involve antipsychotic meds.

I also spoke to my own T about it. Both T's did tell me not to challenge the delusions; in other words, trying to prove the delusions untrue was fruitless. Like your wife, the distorted thinking would persist (if "they" didn't have evidence, they would make it up, etc.). It also made him angry, because it was invalidating to him that I did not believe him.

I agree with Harri, if you can contact her ob-gyn and relate the symptoms then maybe she can be evaluated for postpartum psychosis. Is she still seeing the T with whom she accused you of having an affair? Is she still court ordered to continued supervision and three times a week counseling? I would try to contact whoever is providing mental health treatment for her at this time and tell them what symptoms you are observing.

Hi, my day job is as a physician - not a psychiatrist, but some days I feel like one. I agree, that level of psychosis is really concerning, I totally agree with considering postpartum psychosis. Tearing apart a closet looking for recording devices ... that seems to strain the diagnosis of BPD and I'd loop in her physician/ob on this.

I agree that her behaviors seem serious and beyond what we normally see with BPD.  Has she been seen by a psychologist or psychiatrist?  The idea of contacting her ob/gyn seems worth considering (they can't tell you anything but you can tell them).  Back on a detail, regarding the gun, what have you done with it to keep things safe?

RC

To anwser questions.
she is still seeing the therapist she accused me of having an affair with, she is rebuilding trust in that regard.  She is seeing a psychologist whom shares an office with the therapist, as well as the family doctor.   The OBGYN retired, a week after our baby was born,  so that is out of the question. 
All firearms are secured in a safe she cannot get into. 

Oh, it is good to know the fire arms are stored away.

Can you contact her PCP about her paranoia?  This is not something to leave to chance.  If it is psychosis, it can be treated and the sooner the better. 

How are you doing other wise?

Harri-
To be honest I'm exhausted.  If i disengage from the "irrational" conversation, she says it's proof I've been manipulating her.  If I engage in the "irrational" conversation, she just screams I'm lying. 
She seems to be terrified of technology, if i have something important to tell her I do it in text, that way there is a written version of what I said, her conclusion is that I can manipulate text messages at will. 
I'm not a bad guy, I'm not a manipulator, I'm not an abuser. Things were good until after baby.
She had a rough childhood, but how do I tell someone to not let their past dictate their future?
She was tested with the medical Marijuana, and it works very well, but it's a fight to get her to use it, she things they have mind control chemicals in it. 
I just don't know what to say or do at this point.  My big fear is hospitalization is next. 

Hi.  

I can hear the exhaustion in your words.  I can also hear the hurt.

 I know that and I believe you.  The thing is, I am not sure she is seeing you when she makes these statements.  She can't see beyond her fear, paranoia and delusions.  

This is too big for you to handle on your own.  Not only are you too close to the situation as an object of her paranoid thoughts, but you are not qualified to help her.  I know you want to.  I also know how bewildering these sorts of accusations and beliefs can be.  My mom did that to me growing up and it was very confusing and difficult to comprehend.  I think I understand at least a bit of what you are feeling.

What about a hospitalization scares you?  

Harri,
I'm afraid hospitalization would be a "death sentence for her.
The huge fear of abandonment, None of the family could visit her regularly (closest Psyc hospital is 6 hrs away) while she might benefit in the long term, they would have to keep her on a very close suicide watch, and the track record in our state with that is not exactly good.

We have made a life together, I swore in front of our family and God to have and to hold, in sickness and health till death do us part.  I don't take those vow's lightly and will fight for her if it kills me first.  My family and her uncle (father figure) are completely on board as well.  Her mother is willing to give up and that just add's fuel to this fire. Her mom told her not to contact her again until she was cured.  I believe her mother may be a huge part of the problem. 

Wedding vows to love each other in sickness and in health do not mean one partner dies for the sake of the other. That is not love. It is a sin against yourself and, if anything, it makes the pwbdp more anxious than before. I really thing the way forward is self care and detaching emotionally with love. What do you think?

I understand you are scared and concerned.  I am not sure how to balance the fear of what may happen with the reality of what *is* happening.   Who else is aware she has these delusions?   Obviously I believe these behaviors need to be reported to either her PCP or her psychiatrist.  There may be meds she can take and yes, it *may* require hospitalization to stabilize her.

This is not going to get better on its own.

I can only imagine the amount of pressure you must feel to take care of her and keep her and you and your child safe.   

Faith mentioned self care.  Where does that come in for you?

Even  if you're speaking metaphorically, your children need to be provided for and to be safe.  They need you.  Not a easy road at all. 

her therapist and psychologist, know about the dilutions. And have her on two different medications.   She is never alone with the children. And the children are very shielded from her behavior. 

As for self-care, I don't have the time, between her care, and the kids, my job, there are not enough hours in the day. 

Hi.    :hug:

Okay, so her doctors know.  That is good to know.   |iiii  When is the last time they were updated on her status (as in, she is still having delusions and violent behaviors)?

We are here to support you and part of that is trying to help you get as stable a situation as possible.  I am not sure how to advise you re: the hospitalizations especially now knowing that her doctors are aware of her delusions and paranoia.  Have they referred you to anyone who can help *you* help your family?  It is a lot to deal with, especially as a non-professional and as a loved one.   You have the support of your family and her Uncle so that is good.  Is there anyone else you can bring into the picture as a support for you and your kids?  Just trying to brainstorm with you. 

One thing I would ask you to do is set up a safety plan (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf) for you and your kids.   I recommend this as a just in case sort of thing as I know you said you do not feel unsafe around your wife.  The thing is, she is not stable and has been violent with paranoia and delusions before so caution and planning is important.  Will you take some time to fill out the plan I linked here?  Waiting until there is a crisis to figure things out is too late.  Even if you never need to use it, it is a good thing to work through.  I find knowing what my options are and having a general plan helps me cope and think better in times of high stress.  What do you think?

What else can we do to support you? 

While it is not exactly the same, my father suffered from dementia and was frequently delusional and angry and accused me of everything under the sun. One thing I learned is to not JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). Here is a great article that explains more about how this works.  Don't JADE  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0) I hope it helps

Few thing's
Harri the full safety plan is just not do able where we live, logistically speaking. I do have extra cloths etc. in the truck for the whole family, basically if we could live in the truck for a few days if need be.  This come's from weather preparedness due to where we live.  I work alone and often have little contact with anyone.  We have very limited internet service where we live and cell only works in part of the house,  Call us Hillbillies if you want were ok with it LOL.

Got her an appointment with the new OBGYN in 3 weeks, but at least it's a start. Got her convinced to try her medical Marijuana thing again, (for someone who doesn't care about Marijuana I now have a vast knowledge) any way, instant, like within 5 minutes from very unusually psychosis, cell phone left in mailbox at end of driveway, to "hey baby, lets make a big pot of chili and watch a movie",  she cuddled up to me on the couch for about an hour then started back into deep paranoia, talked her into taking a couple of "puffs" and back to normal person.  She on two psych meds as it is but they seem not to be doing a whole lot.  If we could find an extended release THC product that would seemingly be the ticket, she was in good enough mood she got her phone and her and her cousin got into a collage football "argument" on Facebook (alma maters playing each other Saturday) When I say argument I mean friendly school bashing of each other.  Something I would say is 100% healthy.  I hadn't see her do something like that in a long time without turning it in to something personal and being offended. She's not getting stupid high, in fact I would be willing to bet nobody could tell she smoked anything. 

Did her doctor prescribe medical marijuana? Just curious.

yes they did. 

Hi Hillbilly!   :hi:  lol 
The safety plan can be adapted and applied even to those of you hillbillies living in the middle of no where with poor cell phone reception.  :)  Have a list of the credit card numbers hidden away in your car or go bag, along with important phone numbers (for when you can get a connection) have a stash of cash, perhaps a credit card, domestic violence hotline number etc.   A list of doctors name and phone numbers, list of medications, etc.

You are right an appointment in 3 weeks is a start.   |iiii  It is good that the weed is helping.  I am curious as to the names of her medications too.  Do you know them?