BPDFamily.com

When my son was younger before BPD and addiction really hit I used to say that even if he wasn't my son I would like him as a person. It makes me so sad to admit this is no longer true. I actually can't stand him. If he wasn't my son I would want nothing to do with him. It's the same old crap with him over and over. He has no money, no friends, life sucks, he wants to die. He takes no initiative whatsoever in helping himself and could not care less about anyone else. He used to be so kind and compassionate. I wonder if I will ever see that good person again. I miss him so much.
 

you miss him, you dont like him.

theres a significant gulf between those two statements.

and before i continue, i recognize the challenges that your relationship with your son has represented. hes been a pill.

my mother and i would reminisce over old family history, or photos, or videos. there were a couple of times when she said to me "you were so cute. what happened?". she played it off as a joke.


do you think your son can feel this?

Probably.

Faith and OR,
This makes me cry like crazy right now. I feel the same way Faith and it breaks my heart to hear OR show how it felt to be in the other side.

My old T used to have me write down 3 things that were positive about each of my kids. When we couldn’t think of anything, I write “pretty blue eyes”, “loves our Lab, Gus” “empires dishwasher well”.

Faith, my DS24 BP1 w/some BPD symptoms is so very needy, yet seems to struggle every single day filling his own cup. I look at him and all I see is a void and “needy” and “not enough”. He’s here with me everyday struggling and despising himself.

I get it.

OR- what could your mother have done that would have helped you?

I totally get the struggle Faith.  The change in personality - the neediness- anger, hard to take.  I am so sorry you and he are struggling.  When my daughter calls, it's a challenge to answer it. I never know what I will face.  I've been saying for years, who is she?

You want your boy back  :hug: From my experience I believe they are there. My DD was very ill and when she came to (after years of treatment, meds...I've never seen someone work so hard) I'll never forget her saying she can now feel the kindness of others and gratitude. Mind blowing and heart breaking pain they endure these sensitive kids of ours.

It's devastating when their behaviours are so destructive, they cross our values and we hurt, hurt.

I can hear it is a fine divide for you, protecting yourself, handing responsibility to DS and you providing the emotional support he needs to navigate his way out, that he shoves in your path. And that is a big ask of you.

I kept my eye and love on the girl I knew, in the darkest of times. My mantra was I'm not losing my DD to BPD, mental illness and if I do I've done my best, and that still holds, forever.

Along with others, I'm walking with you.  :hug:

Hope  :heart:

WDx

Thank you WD
Right now recovery seems a long way off. I pray I live to see it. I miss my son. It is hard to grieve the living which is where I am now.

It is such a loss. We nurture them, we love them and we love the love they give us. It becomes our reason to live

It makes sense to me that we dislike this adult who based on a skewed perspective  has chosen to destroy the wonderful bond we had with the child they were.

We will always love them. I love my daughter. She still has many wonderful qualities. I have never known anyone as generous as her for eg. She is this way always no matter what.The reality is my child has buried herself under a pile of rocks she thinks I threw.

What can you do Faith? If you didn't dislike someone who was abusing you and making your life miserable that wouldn't be normal either.

We are human

Bluesky…

The reality is my child has buried herself under a pile of rocks she thinks I threw.

What a great analogy...that is what it seems like...prayers for us all

just to clarify, my mom was teasing/joking, and i knew that at the time, but things like that can still sting.

people with bpd traits are even more sensitive, hypervigilant when it comes to that sort of thing.

the last thing i want to do here is invoke a sort of guilt trip.

while i can feel the pain, and imagine the enormity of the struggles of raising a child who causes so much pain, i dont have a child, with or without bpd. and if i did have a son who had caused as much havoc, FHL, i probably wouldnt like him very much either.


what i do want to stress, is that the love you show, in both good times and bad, is, often, the number one indicator of recovery when it comes to BPD. consistently, over time, its far more powerful than any specific action we take, either good or bad.


the child you loved and raised is there. hes a product of you and carries you with him.

he also struggles mightily as an adult, with less than adult coping skills. and hes put you through hell.

the most powerful message you can send, even when hes not your favorite person, is that you will continue to love him in spite of that.

people with bpd traits struggle to remember that, about their loved ones: that someone genuinely loves them. but its something they can feel, sense, and carry.

its the antidote to an unstable sense of self.

OR-
I agree that pwBPD are laser focused on sarcasm and teasing. My DD has rarely been able to joke about herself or accept any
type of friendly teasing. Makes it tough to stay light hearted.
Thank you for reminding us that we can try our best to show love to them even when we don’t like much about them at all.

Thank you for this. I will never stop loving my son whether I like him or not and I will try to be careful about how I express my dislike knowing how sensitive he is.

This thread speaks to me so deeply. After being on the Parent/Sibling board for years I came to the stunning realization that my son whom I raised as a single parent  has BPD traits. The person he has become is opposite of who we all knew and loved.

After a rocky marriage, divorce, remarriage to the same person and divorce again,  he has just spiraled down to a negative place pushing all friends and me away.

He's been on adderal for 10 plus years (he's 35) and it has worn him down too.
I emailed him that I believe he has BPD like my mom and sister.  I said he could ask his T about it. He angrily says he only had adhd.

It's so tough to remember all the things we went through together to survive ...we were a team. He was a tough kid to raise, but he always knew I was his ally. But I'm now the enemy.

Long story, maybe one day I will tell it.

A great book I can recommend to all in this situation is :

Ambiguous Loss  by Pauline Boss, a therapist who coined the term for exactly what we go through. Constantly torn between hope and no hope. The person we loved is still there but yet they are gone. Ambiguous loss is experienced by people whose loved ones are missing, have alzheimers, etc.

The heart has incomplete grief,  and is in an unresolved state of confusion.

I hope you can find peace amidst this struggle

Sparrow

Thank you. Sparrow. I will check into that book

Hi Faith,

Thanks for being so honest. Sometimes, I can't stand my daughter's behavior. She has told malicious lies about my husband, her step dad. My T has recommended that he not spend any lengthy time alone with her so to protect himself from any thing else she may say. It's heart breaking. She was close to him when she was young and now she's turned on him. Her relationship with her dad is off and on rocky. She's close to me but I don't know when that will change. When she may see me as the enemy.  I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you for your prayers One Day

I can totally relate to this feeling. I have been baffled by my 39 yr old son's behavior the past few years. Ever since he was married 12 years ago (to someone who has mental issues), he has slowly evolved into another person. He was the apple of my eye. We have been estranged for two years, and I am not allowed to see my grandkids that I used to babysit when they were babies. Can't even imagine what is going through their poor little heads. I had an epiphany today that my son might have BPD. His dad has it, which is why we finally divorced after 36 years. I always thought his wife had it or something similar, but now I'm wondering about him. He used to be the sweetest kid. Now he's angry all the time and actually was out of work for an entire YEAR. Something isn't right, but I just realized it could be mental illness. I don't know what to do. He hates me these days, and would never take any advice from me. He has hurt me beyond belief, but now I realize there a might be a reason for this explosive anger and strange behavior. I was on this site before my divorce 8 years ago, and here I am again. It never ends. Thanks for being here.

I love your honesty, Faith! I feel just like you do today. I do not like my daughter.

Hi all: all that you all have written seems so much like where I am now. Almost every day, my udBPDd hurts us verbally incessantly for no apparent reason or failure on our part. Her mood swings are terrible and we can never predict how she will act one moment to the next. Many a time she wants us to just do whatever she wants without question and just ‘do it ‘ is her command and demand. This makes me very angry and upset but I try to stay quiet. She is the most charming person one minute & the devil incarnate the next with little to no provocation. She can never take a joke although she would say something hurtful and call it a joke- you just can’t reciprocate! Many a time I don’t like her although I love her very much because I remind myself that she is suffering and I am her main target. However I cannot digest everything she says all the time without showing it in my face and then it starts another barrage of abusive language. She knows I don’t like anyone swearing and she uses them all the time just to see my reaction. I am learning to control myself by distracting myself but she immediately blames me for not caring or ignoring her or what she has to say. I am just waiting for the day I leave... thanks for all your wonderful tips and encouragement. Love you