|
Title: Finally over her, and I did send a message with a dressing down Post by: Eli42 on October 29, 2019, 01:02:21 AM My then girlfriend/fiancee broke up with me the usual BPD way in 2017. My whole life fell into pieces. Basically she refused to talk about it, I did a lot of begging and apologizing, and, of course, the more I did it the more vicious her replies would get. It looked like she took some particular pleasure out of hurting me. She went NC, convinced my family I was the bad guy (which I'll admit I had been every now and then, I'm no saint to be honest), said some mean things about me etc.
Some six months after the break up she unblocked me from whatsapp and contacted me with some "family constellation" bs, and replied in a friendly way, she quickly started the love bombing (again) I fell for it we went back together. A few months later, there we went again. Only, this time she kind of pushed me into breaking up, which I did. Then again, in march 2019, she texted me again as if nothing had ever happened. I replied in a friendly way, then the love bombing restarted, then I started begging again, then she pulled away, etc. I then realized, for the first time, that there was something off about the way she behaved regarding our relationship. I started reading about a lot of stuff and the BPD thing was the one that made more sense of her behaviour. That is to say: she was never diagnosed that I know of. Nor will I want to diagnose her. What was important for me, in the BPD literature, was that it made me realize there was no way I was ever going to be able to convince her of something, or to make her understand the way I felt about some stuff. And it was this insight that made me finally let go of the relationship. So, basically, she broke up with me in 2017. I broke up with her in 2019. Meaning that from 2017 to 2019 I only tried to cope with the fact that she walked away. It was only this year that I finally found my reasons to walk away myself. That is what I am calling "my break up". Anyway, one thing I'd like to share is this: I did write her a whatsapp message (last september) telling her everything I wanted to tell about why I wouldn't come back to her etc. (it's worth mentioning: i did so because she, once more, tried to reach out to me as if nothing had happened - so it wasn't my initiative alone). My message was quite strong. It wasn't a lashing out, it was more like a dressing down (if I get the difference right). Then, immediately after I saw the two blue "ticks" in our dialogue box on Whatsapp, I immediately blocked her. I didn't want to give her the chance to, once again, turn things against myself, humiliate me etc. I gotta say. It felt good. I mention this because the standard advice is "do not send a last message", "do not try to make them feel guilty/lash out etc". And I think those are the best advices indeed. Only, in my case, I just had to do that. And it felt good. So, I guess each person has their needs when it comes to copping with a bad break up, and I guess denying their needs just to fit a pre made recipe for success might end up badly. That's what I could share. Forgive my English. I am from Brazil. Title: Re: Finally over her, and I did send a message with a dressing down Post by: Pytagoras on October 29, 2019, 07:57:19 AM Hello Eli42,
Sorry you have to endure a difficult r/s as this one. You speak portuguese as me. I am from Portugal. :) My exBPDgf ended up with me, and two months later re-engaged me, same fashion. But now our r/s ended 6 weeks ago. She replaced me for another, and was keeping me here at the same till i discovered everything. From what i read, i think you are stronger now and determined to go ahead with your life. Nevertheless, there can be difficult times ahead. The end of this r/s are always complicated. Forte aí companheiro! :) Um abraço Title: Re: Finally over her, and I did send a message with a dressing down Post by: Lucky Jim on October 30, 2019, 12:16:02 PM Hey Eli42, Welcome! I'm sorry to hear what you've been through. Now that you have "set the record straight," so-to-speak, it's time to let go. It sounds like you've been in a strange limbo since 2017. That you felt the need recently to send a parting shot suggests to me that, on some level, you were still engaged. Is that fair to say? Are you ready to detach this time? It's a process that one goes through to reach the other side, which leads to greater happiness.
LuckyJim Title: Re: Finally over her, and I did send a message with a dressing down Post by: Mutt on November 03, 2019, 08:11:09 PM Hi Eli42,
I’d like to join the others and welcome you to the family. I’m sorry that you had to go through a difficult breakup with a pwBPD ( both times ) I’d like to echo Lucky Jim in that it sounds like you want to be done with this r/s. Is that right? |