BPDFamily.com

Hello,

I hate the long posts, but now its my time :/

So, we broke up. This time was special, because this was a recycle after years. This one lasted 4 years and we were even engaged. She broke up, but I understand it. She felt that I was fed up, so she acted first. Not necessarily a borderline thing, but I know BPD plays still a huge role here. I was fed up, because of her BPD, this is clear for me. I felt that she is not caring about me, the way I need (?). I started to hate her constant dissociacion and so on... This was long distance relationship; I had to travel 3.5hrs one way almost every weekend. I think she tried her best (in her understanding), which was I became best food you can imagine. No cheating. Her house was always super clean. And she cared about her daughter, at least she thought so. From my side I saw a BPD mother disaster and making the kid dependent and unstable. I became very, very tired, because I needed more than food and sex, I always felt that I am priority number 3 or 5 or 7. Never no.1 . I hated how she rises up her daughter.  I became even more tired, because the weekend car trips started to exhaust me additionally.  And at the end I suffered from very hard allergies at work which ended me. I came over on weekends to sleep and eat and somehow heal up from allergies. I stepped in depression, on weekends with her I wasn’t even able to change my clothes… I hated it, that I still became food but not attention. She was only angry that I do not help with shopping or anything else. I didnt realize that Im in depression I always said that Im extremely tired and cant do more... I basically was alone, she wasnt asking more questions, she did her thing and that was it.
The disaster came in person of a cat from a shelter. It was a gift for her daughter (they took it from the shelter). I said cat or me, because I have strong cat allergy and I communicated it a year or two ago that I cant have cats. The cat won. I was shocked and felt that I have no other option than to go. I began to take my things and even transported half of them to my other place, but I couldn’t go. I loved this girl. I couldn’t talk. She tried to talk with me, but the only option was that the cat stays (because shelter cats are very very poor, and I am very very bad to not understand it), so we didn’t talk.
So after “sitting” like this for 3 weekend she asked me why I am not taking the rest of my things, this is not a hotel. I heard that eveningn that I am asocial, so we are not compatible. She is an extrovert, I am an introvert (I have adhd and do not like to talk about plain things, I shut up then; Im also a bit hearing impaired and this is surfacing when more than 2-3 people talk) So yes, I agree, we are not compatible in that matter. I also heard that I stink, and that I… broke the shower (some plastic rails)… My allergies are psychosomatic, she said (BTW we didn’t sleep together in one bed since over a year, since I had bad allergies too, I was on the couch).
And finally that she knows that she isn’t perfectly normal, as I am not, so we both need stable partners and I must please take my things in very soon future… She gave me back the engagement ring.
I was hit very hard, because I really didn’t expect that the cat will win, and that the situation means good bye. Now I see that the situation was indeed very bad since months. But well, I said OK, we agreed that Ill take my things next weekend (which is now in the past). So on the next weekend I came over to take my things. She was so cold and I in such hurry because of her being so OK with the end of this RS, that I forgot to take my jacket.

Tomorrow I go to pick up the jacket and to say good bye. The last occasion to suggest her a bpd therapy, which is a very silly moment to do that. But I know that I will not have any more occasions bc of NC.
How can I suggest her a therapy? She is sick, she tries, she works hard. But she is blind and works in bad directions. She deserves better. How can I use the last 5 minutes to give her directions, without hurting her (which will mean that she will not listen). I can “use” the argument of her daughter (she knows that things are far from perfect, and loves the daughter like nothing else on earth) to catch her attention for 2 minutes…
PS I know I didn’t write much about myself, but lets concentrate on my main question. I know that I have to care about myself and so on. I will have lots of time for that after tomorrow.

This is not how therapy works, unfortunately. She would have to decide for herself to do therapy. Even in a healthy relationship with complete trust, it's very tricky when one person suggests therapy for the other. It never works at the moment of break-up. You will have to sit with the very uncomfortable feeling that you can't fix her. It's a really, really hard feeling. We've all had it.

You, very likely, simply can't.

You will have to sit with the very uncomfortable feeling that you can't fix her. It's a really, really hard feeling. We've all had it. We all have it.

I am very sorry.

i imagine that none of this felt good to hear. theres a lot of blame in it.

theres a lot of resentment...probably for the both of you.

with that in mind, you have to think about how a "you should seek therapy" would be received, coming from an ex romantic partner.

it would sound like blame. it would say "something is wrong with you". it might look vindictive.

take your jacket. wish her well. it will be a better, stronger note to end on.

Thank you all for replies. You are of course right.

 I appreciate your support :)