BPDFamily.com

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I saw my Grandbaby. It was so great to see her. She told me everything thats been going on the minute she got in the car. I didn't ask her anything.

She told me her Mother had warned her not to tell Grandma any of this

It is worse than I feared.

Last night at 8yrs old she was taken to an adult party. Her mother got totally drunk and then she met a man. The child told me the man's name. She said she heard her Mother exchange phone numbers and arrange for him to come to their house later that night. A total stranger !

She said her Mother was so drunk in the Uber that she was trying to get the Uber driver to come into the house to drink.
They stopped for more alcohol in the Uber before the child got home after midnight.


When the child snapped me from the bar a similar story with regards to the drinking..totally drunk and buying bottles and bottles of Prosecco. She said her Mothers friend was equally as drunk.

In the half term my daughter was picking at her and shouting. She told the child she couldnt go to a fireworks display because I wouldn't help her and had refused to take the dog..

She said to her that she has too much to deal with sent her to her room so she ( the mother) could "calm down"..The child said I know its hard having a child Grandma...My heart broke. I reassured her that she is a great kid..

We saw a movie and I bought her a poppy which she displayed with pride..We went for a drink and she told me more and more of her Mother's nonesense..

We came back to mine and I made her a lovely dinner, snuggled on the sofa until it was time to go..She said I love you Grandma...

I took the dog for a few days. She said her Mother is screaming and throwing things at the dog.I didnt see my daughter I am very glad to say.

Spending time with someone who loves me so much is exactly what I needed. I feel so much better than I did. I will go to work tomorrow and Tuesday. I feel stronger. We share a mutual respect and love for eachother. She pruned my giant plant God love her..

The dog is also very happy bless her

Another story she told me is the Mother's friend ( whom she had a drunken screamig match with in front of both their children and told everyone she had. drinking problem) the child said " You know Grandma she's an alcoholic.  I heard Mum and her hairdresser say we need to find out if she can have one drink. So they all got drunk..and the alcoholic Mum took the wine home.

They all revolve their lives around alcohol it seems. Now I am out of the picture the poor child is witnessing all sorts as her Mother is chasing men right in front of her eyes .

She has her phone and said she will keep it charged. I reassured her she can always call me if she feels afraid at any time. She is  so smart. She knew immediately her Mother said don't tell Grandma it was things she knew I should be aware of.

The child says she is drunk 75 out of 100 when she's drinking

Kid is 8

I am so happy for you that you were able to spend quality time with your granddaughter today. She is lucky to have you and I know you rightly value your relationship with her very highly. If I may, I would like to sound one note of caution moving forward, particularly given your stated goal of being less enmeshed in your relationships. Be careful of the nature of the triangle between you, your daughter, and your granddaughter. The Karpman triangle is very real and it can hurt relationships. Here is a great article explaining what I mean.  Karpman Triangle  (https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle)

Do you think any of this applies to your situation ? Maybe after your procedure is over you might want to think about it.

I am aware of triangulation Faith. I know there is a great scope for major dysfunction here. I try to listen and ask open questions rather than condemn. I ask her how she feels about what she's telling me and reassure her I am always there. Sometimes like the alcoholic Mum thing she finds it amusing that she hears everything and isn't worried by it. Sometimes she is genuinely confused and hurt.

 The child has always confided in me.

It started when her nails were bitten down to the quick and she wasn't coping at school. This went on for months. Her Mother was raging at her for the slightest thing. She was in a very bad place and broke down one day. She begged me not to tell her Mum what she had confided in me. I did say one thing to her Mum as I was so worried, something about a bully I think.Then her Mother told her I had betrayed her confidence...I apologised to her and I never betrayed her confidence again.

She doesn't feel she can speak to her .I am mindful to say that her Mother loves her without negating her feelings and perception.  

She knows that her Mother's behaviour isn't right but like me she questions herself and thinks she may be a bad kid. She sees her Mother treat me badly as well as the poor pooch.

If she tells me something "normal" I do explain that this is her Mother's right to do..Not play 24/7 etc. But yes its not an ideal situation.

I am not fuelling a rescue though. I am reassuring the child that her perception is correct, she has me if she needs me. I have refused to put her in the middle as my daughter has tried to multiple times.
I love my relationship with the child. I love that she trusts me enough to tell me things but don't love the fact that she has things to tell me at all.

What to do? All I can do is focus on the behaviour. In this circumstance I really feel that someone needs to know what's going on.

Bluesky how are you feeling, how did work go today for you?

Thanks Faith for sharing the Karpman triangle. For me it's like knitting all the tools, skills, lessons together, is our challenge.

Glad you have your dog with you Blue for comfort, what kind of dog, what is their name?

WDx  :heart:

I woke at 6 but I couldn't go to work Wendy.I am frozen to the spot emotionally waiting..Its tomorrow..Its all too much to bear alone. I couldn't even phone in so I sent an email.

The dog is a West Highland terrier. She is a joy but hard work..They are very demanding. She is keeping me occupied though and convinced me to go for a walkies. She nags and wags her tail pointing her nose to the door until she wears me down..Its very cute and she puts on her best puppy eyes and somehow smiles.

I am cooking her sausages so she's happily waiting.

I have no idea what state I will be in by tomorrow. I am trying not to think beyond that. At least I know I will return to a waggy tail.

The cold turkey from all of those opioids has apparently worked. Increasingly I forget that I was on them.
That's a good thing after 10yrs..I have a notion to take them just to stop feeling but I have to be brave. I am utterly convinced its going to be bad news.

The house feels so different without the child. I find the relief of seeing her replaced with concern again.

She mentioned my birthday which is in 6 days..I had to gloss over it..What an absolute mess

I pray it all goes well for you today.