BPDFamily.com

My dear friends,
These have been some of the hardest
weeks for me ever. I am forever grateful to have been able to vent my hysteria safely in this forum.

I have seen the clinician at the breast clinic who feels that the symptoms are due to a huge cyst. She said she is not overly concerned. She accepted that I felt I had had a bad experience in 2016 and was very gentle in giving me a choice about how to proceed. They really were gung ho the last time I went there. It was traumatic.

 She gave me her telephone no in case I need to chat some more. I think they knew they got it wrong in some ways.

I have agreed to a mammogram only to compare with the one in 2016..This will be done in 2 or 3 weeks.If the calcifications they found have not changed they may not even biopsy.They can drain the cyst to alleviate the pressure on my breast and arm then too.

I'm not quite at the all clear stage but its feeling very positive.

I have let go..With the help of the wonderful people here. I slowly realised I needed to get out of the way to find a resolution.

I have lived under a cloud of possible breast cancer for 3 years..It would totally transform my life if I can get an all clear.

I feel so much stronger..Rightly or wrongly I had convinced myself I was walking in to be handed a diagnosis of sinister nature but I went and I went alone. She said I had achieved so much overcoming my denial and returning. I think she meant it.

On the topic of my daughter I realise I need to withdraw on a more formal basis. I am going to ask her to meet me face to face to work out how we move forward for the sake of the child.

We need to find a way to communicate without attacking and judging. We need to totally remedy any emeshment, financial or otherwise.

I bought the pooch a twisty treat before the clinic she is happily occupied with..I am going to sleep off all of this stress before I think about facing the fall out from not going to work etc...

No problems compare to this..It will be fine if I am all clear. I will know before Christmas.

Much love to you all and a special hug to Faith..thank you for being there

 :wee: :wee:
See me doing a happy dance? I am happy because not.only did you get a much more hopeful prognosis than you feared but you have taken an ENORMOUS step toward improving your relationship with your daughter. Letting go and establishing healthy boundaries is totally the way to go. I am.super happy for you and glad we could help. That's what this group is all about, finding lives worth living..

I am super relieved. Unfortunately things will not move forward positively with my daughter.

We swapped emails and never actually got to agreeing to meet.Her emails continue to paint me in a terrible light and portray her as a misunderstood victim.

I have let go with love I think. Gone is the anger and resentment of feeling let down emotionally by her. Gone is the hope that she will ever be there for me.
She will only get worse as far as treatment of me is concerned

We have agreed to communicate for the sake of the child but there is no going back now..She is intent on seeing things her way.

I have gently said that this is her truth. I won't and can't even attempt to defend myself. There is no trust between us. I said to her that I know deep down she loves me but she resents and dislikes me in equal measure.

Its been incredibly bad for a long time. This was inevitable. I don't want the child to witness her abusing me anymore

I am glad you moved past anger and resentment and are now ready to let go of your daughter with love. That is enormous progress.

Bluesky, I'm so happy that you got such a hopeful prognosis!

And I'm sorry about how things are working out with your daughter, but I'm sure that letting go of the outcome will help the situation with your daughter, too.

I admire your strength and bravery in facing your fear and denial, walking in to your appointment expecting a bad outcome.

2CC

WooHoo for you, Blueskyday :wee: !  Prognosis not definite but not looking like red flags waving.

I think back to years ago when I was in a breast cancer study...signed on to go in every year for 5 years...all fine until the 3rd year when "something" was found and I was told to come in the very next day for tests. 

On the way home I cried and cried...even thought of my Will.  After a sleepless night I went in to have the procedure done...not so painful...results good.  Here was me thinking my end was near.  Lesson learned...don't cross bridges before you get to them...keep enjoying life until you get to that bridge.

Lesson learned?  Hmmmm?  In the time since, I know many bridges have been crossed before they were in sight... but I keep working on change...and with some success. |iiii

As I age I am realizing that "letting go" just could be the secret.  That is not to say you do nothing to try to rectify a situation but you come to the point where you give yourself credit for doing all that you possibly could have done...and then you let go.  When you think of it...possibly  too much was being done...too much drama unfolding...maybe a quiet period of reflection needed?

I, too, am a Grandmother and my heart has hurt many times because of what those precious grandchildren of mine have had to live through.  I feel your pain. 

Blueskyday, life is really what you make of it.  For me, I am realizing that it is my choice as to whether or not I get really bothered about something.   I have an almost 50 year history of dealing with my daughter's bpd behaviours.  Currently we are in yet another period of no contact...one of so many...now 3 years long.  While she will always be in one very important and special compartment of my life...I have found that there are other compartments to be discovered and enjoyed.  Surprise, surprise...life has a way of turning out differently from what you would want...but workable.

Glad you are here, Blueskyday.  Hope you keep feeling the support from this community and hope you keep working to stay on that path of healing and better tomorrows.

((HUGS)...from Huat

I feel so blessed, genuinely to have found you all.

The last 10 years had seen me drugged up with Opiods 240mg a day every day. They made me slow and fatigued . My little body was being poisoned by my own hand.  I am sure this is the main reason I have ended up so isolated. I will try to do something about that. The cold turkey was a complete success and I am incredibly proud that I even attempted it in the place I was.

I was also given diazepam but I am down to 2mg from 5 a day for 10 years.
I am going to reduce slowly. These are more complicated to stop.

I bolted when the "something" was found..3 hard years of the feeling you had Haut..I think I bolted because I had no space to process. The deeper cause was there having been no room in my life for me.

I agree with every word you have said and defer to your wisdom. My heart aches for you because I see your situation when I look towards the future with my dtr..It is too painful. For me it has to stop now. I was in the happiest place on earth in Florida and I wanted to get home..walking on eggshells. It made a lot of things very clear.

I am so completely alone when I am with my daughter. I am fun and childlike but  every move I make is examined and belittled. She will take one look at me and tear in immediately. "Who wears make up in their own house?" Why are you all dressed up?" "You look ridiculous doing that" My confidence has been shattered. I am naturally nurturing but that is seen as controlling and demeaning by her. The Grandchild said " Grandma you are so overprotective". She gets it!

2 cats..thank you. I think I have learned to trust myself again through all of this.

I will make efforts to join some kind of fitness club. I think the key for me is going to be exercise. I have 14lbs to lose, gained over the last 2 yrs. I am a fashionista but lost myself. I can't fit into my clothes so I can't tap into myself. I am not very adept at being able to make friends or rather take an acquaintance to another stage. I will try.

My daughter kept telling me in her emails I am stoic..I am in every way. I try to conduct myself with dignity. I have been so hurt in my life. I have lost every family member I had through Cancer or suicide of my brother or my sister who also has BPD. I have not seen her for 24yrs..

I realise I need friends in my life.
I host international students but haven't had any since we returned from Florida.
I will work towards getting some more.

I think its positive that I have a birthday coming on Monday. I can use this new year as a way to draw a line in the sand.
I love my daughter. I see it is an illness and I have no anger. Having the child means I will know how my daughter is so the worry of NC in the past will be less. I am unable to help her so I need to let go.

You have already proven you can make new friends. You befriended all of us with no trouble at all. We think you are awesome. You can do it in person too. Although you are as challenged as the rest of us you have everything it takes to have a life worth living.

Dear Faith, you are so kind.

The one phrase running through these emails from my daughter is

"I hate you, don't leave me"

It's all crystal clear and I can hold on to that to stop me getting drawn in.

Bluesky

Yes! :wee: I'm so happy you received such a hopeful prognosis and the lady Dr listened to you, she understood. You are one brave lady  |iiii and you'll help many readers who maybe in similar situations.

You are not alone  :hug: :hug:

WDx