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My Mom is 85 and still lives on her own with my father -(who was my true parent).  I want to be ready to deal with her passing, especially her funeral and dealing with relatives who will think my grief is not what it should be.  I have other siblings but most do not speak due to years of my mom's toxic interference, etc.  I will not put on a fake show at my mothers funeral for the sake of making others feel better.  I just want to be done with it all.  Any  advice?

You are thinking about your mom's funeral and how you will not feel sad like those who have had a mother that treated them with love and kindness. You want to be ready to deal with those people who will not understand how you feel when your mother dies. My mother with BPD passed away this summer and it was generally a relief knowing I could never be mistreated by her again. The funeral and responses of others who expected me to be sad was difficult yet there were those who knew that I had been abused by my mother and responded more appropriately. I politely said thank you to those who expected me to be sad and left it at that. What helped me alot to prepare for my mother's death was the response of a coworker whose abusive mother died and she told the whole office she did not want any condolence cards. This coworker had been very open for years about how badly her mother behaved. I had people that I had shared with how my mother treated me and many of them were understanding about my feelings when mom died. Do you have people that you share with now how you feel about your mother? What do you anticipate happening when she dies? We are here to listen and support you, and we welcome you letting us know how we can be the most helpful.
 

Hi and welcome.   :hi:

My mom died back in 2007 and like zachira my main reaction was relief.  My immediate battles were over.  So were her's.  I was not happy by any means, but relieved?  Oh, yes.   There were elements of grief and sadness for what could have been if only, but those did not hit until much later, as in last year or so.   I think it is different for everyone.  When my mom died I was still early on in the healing process. 

I was concerned about this too.  Not many people knew what happened and how she was to us growing up and I did not see her death as an opportunity to educate them about it.  I focused on getting through by recognizing everyone has a right to their own emotions and grief, including me.  Hearing them say wonderful things about my mom was hard in some ways though.  None of this is easy.
That meant me accepting that some people would be sad and assume I was as well.  It meant giving them the space to express their condolences because it was important for them and really did not affect or alter my reality or experience.  They got to know a different person than I did and I was okay with that.  At the same time, I did not cry or express loss and sadness I did not feel.  There can be balance. 

It took a lot of reminding myself of these things when people would call, go to the funeral home, the grave side etc.   She had a few friends who really cared about her.  It was important to me that they be able to express their sadness and condolences without me making things about me.   That was important to me as I grew up not being able to have anything be mine... my mom took everything I had, including my emotions and made them about her.  My motto at the time was let people be who they are and allow myself the same.   I still have to think this way on those rare occasions when I talk with someone who knew my mom.  I smile and say "Yes, I know you liked her" and leave it at that.   It has become easier over time though.

I don't see what I describe above as putting on a show.  I see it more as allowing people to be who they are and accepting that.  I get wanting to be done with it all.  Boy do I get that. 

So I don't know if what I said above is meant as advice.  It is more sharing what I did and what worked well for me.   What are your thoughts?  What feels consistent with your values and experiences?

Again, *welcome*

My uBPDm was about the same age when she was widowed, moving to my home town and continuing with her rage, silent treatments and manipulations. Every time I wanted to pull back, or was temporarily cut off by her, I struggled with what would I do if she suddenly became ill or passed during one of these NC periods. I was becoming paralyzed by the what ifs, now that she was of advanced age. I found that the pattern was the same, I had been considering the what ifs my entire adult life. Thats when I decided to get serious about my self care journey, and got into counseling, took a workshop and rediscovered this board. My Mom is almost 90, finally in Assisted Care, and still manipulating. It has been hard to maintain my boundaries as I do feel the pull to be there in her advanced age, but I am becoming better at it as I move forward towards radical acceptance.

Hi & welcome!  :hi:

My mom is in her early 90s and bpd. I don’t know when she’ll pass but it will be a relief.  I often wondered if my lack of deep sadness will show too. I’m friendly with dad but not so chummy with my older sibling. (She played us against each other.)

I attended 3 funerals in the last year for close family members. All kids (my cousins) are about my age.  The eulogy for all was quite general - about their work and raising kids as a loyal parent. Nothing overblown & nothing saying they were great. The adult children looked respectful and sad. They weren’t in tears or clinging to each other in grief. People expressed condolences and they thanked them. There was nothing in depth.

Siblings weren’t sitting next to each other at the wake.  I had normal conversations asking them general questions.

I was relieved to see them behaving like I would naturally act at my mom’s passing. I was surprised. I was expecting tears and hankies.

I believe the style now is to act dignified and respectful when a parent passes. I don’t think you have anything to worry about.

For widows/widowers, it is a blur of grief and tears though.