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Title: Part 2; Escalating escalating escalating Post by: Overseas on November 26, 2019, 12:14:55 PM This thread was split from this discussion: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341236.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=341236.0)
Hi Overseas, I hope you're having a better day today. Like the others, your daughter's text to you was painfully familiar to me as well. It make's me think that maybe now is time for you to use the SET method of communicating. As Bluesky said there is no manual, but there are tools and tips that work. And, like CrazyCats said some of them are counter-intuitive. Chat later Hi resilient, thanks for that, feeling emotionally exhausted today. The reminder for SET communication is a good one, I do actively practice this and it does help build on our relationship, I do admit that it can go out of the window when the full blown rage is on. I’ve also sent it on to dh to read as he desperately wants to build on their relationship. Well also need to apply it before Thursday as dd has decided she’s not going to the youth alcohol and drugs services appointment I’ve set up for her! Apart from the communication she is home in her room and talkin with us. Title: Part 2; Escalating escalating escalating Post by: Blueskyday on November 26, 2019, 01:18:13 PM I had an online friend when my dd was 15 and doing everything you describe plus some real real weird stuff online I discovered ( from weekends with a neglectful Father)
My friend called it "domestic terrorism ". He worked in a prison and was shocked at what I described. Please be kind to yourself. You will make mistakes and say things you don't mean from a place of pain and anger. You are human and living in a war zone. If you didn't give a S*** the door would be open all night and you wouldn't notice is she was in or out. Your maternal instinct has gone into overdrive with fear but you can not save her from herself. I think we all have PTSD Title: Part 2; Escalating escalating escalating Post by: FaithHopeLove on November 26, 2019, 01:33:25 PM Safety is a very important core value. It is one of mine as well. The thing is, sadly, it is something that is not entirely under our control. I wish my son would stop trying to kill himself but the brutal truth is I can't stop him. If he is really determined to suicide he will. But as long as he is still with us I look for whatever it is that I CAN do that might help him see his life as worth living. Your daughter is engaged in all sorts of behavior that could harm her like coming in late, using drugs, etc. You are understandably upset about it and wish you could stop it. I wish you could stop it too. But, as Two Crazy Cats has said, the disciplinary methods that work with nons tend not to work with pwbpd. So I guess it all comes down to what CAN you do to help your daughter be safe and what can't you do. Specifically, since it is what you asked about, what about her habit of coming in late on school nights is under your control and what isn't?
Title: Part 2; Escalating escalating escalating Post by: twocrazycats on November 26, 2019, 11:18:03 PM I read the article faithlovehope thank you, and totally agree with the right way to set boundaries. Unfortunately it’s not telling me what to do when dd totally disrespects those boundaries and is unwilling to comply. For example when we ask dd to be home by 7pm on a school night, ample time considering she finishes at 3pm, she comes home whatever time she likes. Impossible to ground her because she’ll have a full blown bpd rage and walk out of the door. For one thing, the boundaries have to be discussed when she's not in a rage. For another, she's a teenager, so surely she depends on you for many, if not most, of her needs and wants. Some of those things she wants can totally depend on her following your house rules. You can make clear to her, at a time when she is (relatively) calm, that from now on, getting, or continuing to get, such-and-such will depend on her following your house rules. Say it calmly yet firmly. And then say no more about it. The next time she breaks the rule, and if she's like my dd she will, then simply don't give her whatever it is that she wanted that was tied to following the rules. If she rages and and starts spewing the verbal vomit, let her. It's about her, not you. Just don't back down. You can even validate. "Oh, I know it's hard to not have X. When you're coming home on time, you'll have it." And reaffirm that you love her. I also remind my dd that she has the rest of her life to set her own rules. While she's living in my house, she needs to follow mine. Anyway, I don't know if any of that helps, but it's what seems to work best with my daughter. 2CC Title: Part 2; Escalating escalating escalating Post by: Overseas on November 27, 2019, 02:20:08 AM We have no leverage as we don’t give her anything, no pocket money, no phone credit, no nothing. She gets an allowance from college for travel and €50 a week for attendance but not from us. The only time we give her money is to buy a train or bus ticket (which we purchase online) to visit one of her inpatient friends in another part of the country. We even pack her a lunch to avoid giving her cash.
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