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Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: Amelia42 on November 30, 2019, 10:08:01 PM



Title: How to stop ruminating
Post by: Amelia42 on November 30, 2019, 10:08:01 PM
All I can think about is who she is with. Why did she cheat. She blames it all on me. At first I caught her texting another woman and lying then four days later cheated after I freaked out. She has spun it to be all my fault. I had trust issues and now she has destroyed me.


Title: Re: How to stop ruminating
Post by: Lucky Jim on December 05, 2019, 10:06:05 AM
Excerpt
She blames it all on me. At first I caught her texting another woman and lying then four days later cheated after I freaked out. She has spun it to be all my fault.

Hey Amelia42, Those w/BPD are experts at shifting blame to the Non, which gets the issues off their plate and onto yours.  Your task is to decline to take responsibility for her side of the equation.  I have a saying: "Poison is harmless if you don't ingest it"!

LuckyJim


Title: Re: How to stop ruminating
Post by: dt9000 on December 05, 2019, 01:37:34 PM
Hi Amelia. As Jim said, pwBPD excel at blame shifting. I.e. "you did whatever so that's why I cheated on you."  It's effective because there may be some truth in their blame shift. You were upset about her texting someone, which led to an argument (I'm paraphrasing) therefore she feels justified in cheating. I've been in that position and even apologized to my pwBPD for being upset because she was having an affair. How toxic is that? Yikes, lol!

About ruminating, or negative thought cycles: I need to make a conscious effort to stop and redirect my thoughts when I catch myself ruminating. It takes effort and practice but it does work. Writing out your feelings in a journal can also be helpful. Although I find I need to write it down and then consciously put it out of my mind until I can sit down and write again.

dt9000


Title: Re: How to stop ruminating
Post by: Amelia42 on December 09, 2019, 12:01:57 AM
Thank you Lucky and dt. I am really trying not to ruminate. I have to see her at work and she is so arrogant and cocky. She has told her entire family that I constantly accused her of cheating which is not true. When we first met I had such bad trust issues and I told her I was not comfortable with her having private conversations with any women. She claims that every time in 7 years I asked her If she was okay, as she wasn’t talking to me, she claims I asked her if I was attracted to someone else, which is not true. She has made me out to be this crazy person. I was so kind to her. So patient, even though she could barely stand me anymore for whatever reason. She starts over again with every new person. She distorted the truth so I felt crazy. She acted so indignant when I called her on her lies. Her claim to fame is she was so loyal. Until she wasn’t.  She’s a stranger to me. I wondered why she had no memories of her first wife around. Nothing. She just starts all over with someone else.