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Long story short... I was with her for a year.  She played coy at first but after a few weeks of dating we began very close very fast.  She adored me, was pretty attentive and engaging, seemed to relate and agree with everything I thought and said.  Things seemed perfect, and I was convinced that this was the person that I would spend the rest of my life with.

Over time I began seeing red flags, becoming more serious as time went on.  Things like Bizarre behavior and attitudes.  Every 3 to 6 weeks she'd have an 'episode' where she'd become passive-aggressive, cold, distant, vicious, irrational, and emotional; seemingly out of nowhere without any apparent reason.  She'd then blame me how she felt, for anything that happened as a result of her episode, and took absolutely no responsibility for any of it.  It became a regular, recognizable pattern that would break up the otherwise great times that we had in between.

I didn't deserve what was happening.  I was loving, attentive, respectful, and patient.  Too patient.  I thought that maybe things would get better and it would somehow work itself out.  I never accepted that things were my fault.  However it got to the point where I realized how dysfunctional this was. I was afraid of losing my self respect for tolerating this, and I was starting to get resentful.  I was also afraid that I was being dragged down to her level, and that I would start behaving in a similar way.  I told myself that if one of these episodes happened again, I'd walk away.

It did happen again, about a month after this decision.  She had an episode, and I just ignored her.  I didn't engage.  She kept contacting me, but would never wanted to talk about anything.  She escalated her contact to her wanted to take her stuff from my house, which I already had packed days before, because again, I recognized what was happening and where it would lead.

Letting her go was hard.  I tried to reverse what happened, but at that point I was completely black to her and discarded.  She jumped on a dating site almost immediately afterwards, and I'm assuming got into a relationship within a couple weeks.  It was a pretty emotional time for me, and I spent the next couple months grieving, talking to a therapist, doing research, talking to friends,  and performing a lot of self reflection.  It didn't take me long to realize that she has uBPD, and considering her complete lack of empathy and unrealistic sense of entitlement, likely NPD tendencies as well.

I've had intrusive thoughts about her almost every day since.  Typical grieving process type stuff.  There was the hope that we'd get back together.  I tried to inform her that she has a condition, which she rejected.  I now realize that she wasn't the person that I thought she was, which has helped a lot in moving on.  At some point there was realization that she is actually the worst person that I've ever encountered during my life time.  Not only a horrible girlfriend but also a horrible human in general.  It's unfortunately not apparent to many because she is introverted and is competent at her job.

I've casually dated a few women since then and have been seeing someone pretty consistently for over a month.  There was a period of a couple weeks where I barely thought about her, but those thoughts came back unfortunately.  Usually it's reminders of how horrible she behaved, and how unfairly she treated me.  For the most part they make me tell myself that "I hate her", usually with a swear word in front of that statement.  Or I remind myself how psychotic the behavior was at times.  I don't get mad at myself for any of this, but It's frustrating that it's taking this long to let go.  I want to tell myself that she doesn't deserve my energy and attention, but at the same time I don't want to disrupt the grieving process.  I'm not really sure what the best response is.

I think the biggest regret of everything that happened is that I wasn't assertive enough, and didn't erect the proper boundaries.  I wasn't being responsible for myself.  Oh course it was a learning experience, and I realize these things now, and like to think things would be different now, but I can't help but feel that there's something lingering there that is partly responsible for keeping me attached to that relationship.

You mentioned resentment while you were in the r/s and I get the feeling that there’s anger there especially when it is intrusive and they are probably not thoughts that you want to have while you’re with someone new.

Feelings are attachment if someone makes you angry when you think about them that’s an attachment- anger also serves a purpose in that it helps you with detaching from unhealthy r/s’s. You need more time behind you.

How are things with the new person?

I'm no doctor and I don't mean to sound "patriarchal" or reductive, I know this is a complicated experience for both, though it sounds to me like something anyone should expect to happen because of human physiology anyway?

I wish I would of acted on the red flags I saw. I can relate to your experience, the situations you describe. However, I didn't recognize that it was her. It took a therapist to diagnose and point out to me it's not my fault. Kudos to you for not taking on her craziness and walking away. I wasn't that smart or strong. Thanks for sharing.

So most importantly...I know the part that sucks is feeling like you got kicked in the nuts with steel toed boots. However, never blame yourself for these relationships. Do not take things personally. Additionally, when you get torched by one of these individuals there will always be lingering thoughts, but understand it is not unique to you. Plenty of others are in your shoes or have been in your shoes. Take it easy on yourself and be kind to yourself.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

Hey lucidone, I suggest you continue to acknowledge your feelings as they arise, then let them pass through you.  Your feelings are valid, so don't repress or ignore them on the theory that she doesn't deserve your energy and attention, which will only prolong the grieving process.

Your goal, in my view, is to reach a place of indifference, which takes time.  Everyone heals at his/her own pace, so don't rush it.

LuckyJim

Yeah, there is still some serious anger and resentment there.  I suppose the goal is to feel indifference.  Things are so so with the new person.  She is a great person.  However I sometimes compare her to my exbpd.  She doesn't excite me in the same way; sexually or otherwise.  It's not as stimulating, and I'm sure part of it is the lack of adoration (in comparison).  We actually went to a grocery store today that my ex and I used to go to all the time (in fact she used to work in the medical clinic there) and the new person actually noticed that I was visibly upset.  She asked what was wrong and we started talking about our exes.  Listening to her talking about her ex makes me think that her ex had BPD tendencies to.  Our stories were actually quite similar.  That being said, she later stated that it hurts her when I happen to bring up my ex.  I feel bad about it too.  When I started using this dating site I thought that I was over my ex.  I stopped thinking about her for weeks, but then it started coming back again.

I hope that you don't feel bad about not acting on what you experienced.  It's hard to see those things when you don't know what to look for, or when you think its maybe situational or temporary, or if you're in denial for whatever reason.  Chances are it's something from our past that has kept us with people like that, for however long it was.  Not saying that you are, but I know that it's hard not to blame oneself though.  We did the best that we could considering our situations and environments that we we're experiencing, along with our past experiences.

These are wise words.  Thanks for sharing.