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S5 and I had a pretty decent Christmas together. I had to meet his mom the evening of Christmas Eve for the exchange. Whenever we have to meet in person she’s always with her boyfriend now. The first time stung, but now, whatever. I just don’t care. Anyway, we exchanged our boy without incident. When I got home I sent her a message. “Merry Christmas, S5’s mom”. She sent the same message back and I broke down. I didn’t say anything else to her. I sat with my emotions and let it be. I guess I don’t quite understand why I cried. Maybe it was because she was kind and it’s been a long time since I felt that from her? Nothing rekindled in me, that fire is out. Why did I get emotional over that? Is it just remnants of grieving for her? Did I feel like a human with feelings to her?

I didn’t respond, although I would have in the not so distant past. I just left it there.

Being able to "sit with it," acknowledge, and process your thoughts and feelings without feeling the need to respond and take action - - that's a sign of healing and maturity.

Thanks, GaGrl. I hope so.

It could very well be remnants of grief, plus the emotionality of the holiday season in general for people like us who have been through broken relationships with romantic partners as well as family. Christmas brings a sense of sadness for me, even though I always enjoy watching S4 open his presents.

It could be just that the sadness of the situation hit you with those words. Two people who once were in a romantic relationship, had a child, and are now leading separate lives connected only by the child they had, and they exchange simple words of holiday wishes which are far from the heated conflicts that characterize the past. That's enough to bring tears to someone's eyes, especially someone who has been through some intense emotional situations.

Sometimes, little things like that can make me cry when I least expect it. Just a reminder that I am still on a journey to healing, not the final destination. :hug:

What prompted you to send the message rather than telling her at the exchange?

We don’t exchange much face to face. It’s usually through daycare. I get nervous, and I think she does too when we have to exchange in person. We don’t talk. We simply exchange our child. Truth is my anxiety spikes whenever I have to see her in person. Exchanges are short and sweet with nothing said between us. I don’t know. It was Christmas and all. I just wish that we could bury the axe somehow.

Then how you both did is a start. Keep it going.  People mirror, nit all mirroring is bad; indeed, it's an essential and healthy human interaction. She mirrored your kindness. 

i agree with Turkish about this. its likely not an axe that will be buried over night. but every little bit can go a long way, and turn into more little bits. its an awkward situation, and impossible to say what the ideal form of relationship can look like between the two of you, but the more good will, over time, the better.


what do you think is driving it? are you anticipating her being difficult?

I agree with you guys after thinking about this a bit. Bit by bit. I had adopted the approach that I would be playing a long game with S5’s mom, but not in this way. I don’t see any of this as a game, so please forgive my wording. I’m trying to paint a picture.

You’re right, this won’t happen overnight. That’s fine. I understand what it is and it’s improving for now. I’ll take it. I can see and understand that maybe this was mirroring, and just because it happened doesn’t mean it was a disordered thing. It was actually quite nice. Actually, his mom has finally agreed to an additional overnight throughout the week. Communication with her has been a very hard thing for me. Mostly because I’ve been doing it wrong. Things seem to be turning a bit for the better.

I’m thinking that my being anxious during face to face exchanges may be a habit. An imbedded thought that I should probably do something with. I am afraid of an explosion every time, but things seem pretty peaceful now. I think that she hugs and loves on him a bit much while I’m standing there waiting to get our Son, but there isn’t any hostility.

Yes, once removed, I’ve been anticipating her being difficult. That hasn’t been the case for a while, so I guess I should simmer down a bit and be glad that things are calm for now.

I’m revisiting this thread because a very valid point was made about mirroring, and I think I’m seeing this more now, even though mistakes that I’ve made. Maybe this post should be on the parenting board, but the conversation is here for now.

S5 has been in pajamas the last four times that I picked him up from daycare. The last time I picked him up he didn’t have shoes, so I asked his mom about it. I tried to word it effectively, but it inevitably blew up. I was cussed and called dense. After reading through the engagement I saw that I used JADE. I thought I was farther along than that. Obviously, I’m not. I still react with my emotions to an extent. I didn’t jab at her, I was defending myself. Wrong thing to do.

This exchange made me realize that I’m not keeping my boundaries in place. I’m allowing them to be fluid and that doesn’t work. Things seemed to be going well between S5’s mom and I, but the pattern always shows itself. When things are peaceful, something will disrupt it.

I suppose I’m just venting. I guess that this was a reality check of sorts. I’m not done learning yet unfortunately. It’s tiresome at times.

Anyway, she mirrored back my negativity, I think. Or she became defensive out of shame. Either way, in my eyes, our feelings shouldn’t trump the subject at hand which is our Son. I think I failed at communicating with her.

Don't be too hard on yourself. It is normal to feel uncomfortable when we have to interact with the other parent and we can't count on the interaction to be civil or the other parent to do what is in the best interests of the child. With time, you will be less affected by what you she does in intensity and how long it bothers you. You are getting better at not taking personally what she does and how she reacts. As a father, sometimes you do have to speak up when the other parent is not treating the child right, and you do have to pick your battles. You are right that you cannot have fluid boundaries with a disordered person.