Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Conflicted About Continuing, Divorcing/Custody, Co-parenting => Topic started by: Timberwolf on December 30, 2019, 02:31:20 PM

Title: “You didn’t fight for me “
Post by: Timberwolf on December 30, 2019, 02:31:20 PM
“You did not fight for me “ 
I still don’t understand what this means.

Title: Re: “You didn’t fight for me “
Post by: Cat Familiar on December 30, 2019, 03:45:38 PM
Can you give us some context?

Title: Re: “You didn’t fight for me “
Post by: enlighten me on December 30, 2019, 03:55:45 PM
It means that even though they pushed you away they wanted you to fight for the relationship and show how much they meant to you by not wanting it to be over. Its the classic "I hate you dont leave me".

By giving up on the relationship they feel you never truly wanted them.

Title: Re: “You didn’t fight for me “
Post by: formflier on December 30, 2019, 05:29:04 PM

If "fighting" is normal in intimate relationships (for the person saying it), then it starts to make sense...kinda.

I'm also interested in more context about how/when it was said?



Title: Re: “You didn’t fight for me “
Post by: Turkish on December 30, 2019, 08:18:42 PM
The first time she broke up with me, i was kind of relieved. When I started making plans to move out quickly, she texted me, "if you love someone, why wouldn't you fight for them?" Cue our only recycle which she sent me to what was supposed to be joint therapy, but she abandoned me there, as she did in the end after 2 kids in joint counseling she asked me to initiate. 

Intimacy triggers conflict which is amplified by someone with an emotional regulation disorder. For someone with BPD traits, their core script is: "my feelings are worthless and don't matter; therefore, I'm worthless and don't matter." They feel they are unworthy of being loved. 

In my case, the whole "go to therapy to prove that you love and will fight for me even though I left you," makes no logical sense unless you understand the core shame a person with BPD struggles with constantly. 

Title: Re: “You didn’t fight for me “
Post by: Timberwolf on December 31, 2019, 01:37:42 AM
It happened after months push-pull, and eventually discard .Is it really ghosting to step away even briefly when being attacked?
I guess I just never understood what the heck that meant

Title: Re: “You didn’t fight for me “
Post by: PeteWitsend on December 31, 2019, 10:10:04 AM
I experienced this whenever she would "triangulate" and provoke conflict with someone else. 

Typically, she'd blow some comment all out of proportion, ignoring that they said/did the same thing to everyone else in the room, and then come to me with with all sorts of "never/ever" extreme statements, about her perceived slights. 

Then dump this emotional bomb on me when I was in the middle of doing something else... *SURPRISE!*  :wee:  and parse out my every word, looking for something in my hasty response that could be construed as defending the other person, then start screaming & sobbing hysterically "you didn't fight for me" or the related "You're never on my side" or "You'll never stand for your wife"

Having the benefit of distance and time to look back on this, it's almost kind of funny... she'd be using the sort of flowery, emotionally-charged language usually reserved for a trial over capital crimes, or high treason, in reference to a comment from my aunt at a family gathering that my son is "so smart" and is "just like his father." ...

Fight for me, against this most heinous abuse any human being has ever had to suffer

Title: Re: “You didn’t fight for me “
Post by: formflier on December 31, 2019, 11:58:15 AM

My wife did a "light" version of this to me this morning.

She "corrected" me about the way bread was stored (that I didn't store or use but apparently she believed I saw it "incorrectly stowed")

My response was "Oh.."

And I kept on fixing something to eat.

She kinda was leaning over on the counter, so her rump was sticking out and we're very touchy feely (touch is her love language), so I gave it a good rub as I passed by.

Perhaps 10 seconds later she is "indignant".  "Why did you rub me?  Do you not think it's important to not waste your money?"

FF "I rubbed your rump because you are hot..."

FFw "you didn't rub my rump, you touched my waste." (again..indignant"

FF "Whatever I touched was mighty fine.."  gave her a wink and went to the other room to eat my food.

This is FF's version of "not engaging..." 



Title: Re: “You didn’t fight for me “
Post by: SinisterComplex on January 02, 2020, 01:36:57 AM
mmm...there are many avenues to go here. However, to play devil's advocate for a moment...I would say to take the approach of give me a reason to fight.

Next, the whole fight for them thing is a manipulative ploy and a shield they create for themselves so they can cast you as the villain even though you are not the villain. Essentially they have done bad and are feeling guilt, shame, etc and because of that they are trying to make it appear that you are the cause and the reasoning for why they do what they do. But if you would fight for me I would...If you would have fought for me I would have...

Do you see the pattern here? It is by design. Do not make it personal and do not take it personally. Also, this typically is a ploy used once triangulation is in effect. Again, you are not the problem. You are not the culprit. It is how their disordered mind is neurologically wired sadly.

Now that is a general response I provided. Now as others have said...please provide more context and details so we may better assist you and provide better insight if possible.



Title: Re: “You didn’t fight for me “
Post by: Enabler on January 02, 2020, 02:38:57 AM
I'm not so sure pwBPD mean "fight for me" in the sense of trying to fix the relationship. I think they mean it from the perspective of making them feel good. If feeling good = fixing the relationship then yes fighting for the relationship (note the wording is "fight for me" not "fight for us") is what they want. In most senses I think "fighting for me" = make me blameless, take away my shame, take my guilt. I certainly agree it's very Karpman, they want to be the victim (regardless of whether or not the relationship rekindles... guiltless exit), they would like you to rescue them by being the perpetrator.

The thought process as I understand it: 

Many moons ago I disowned control over my own emotions.
Other people now control how I feel.
I feel bad/I have done something bad. I would not make myself feel bad/I would not do something bad unless someone made me do something bad.
You made me feel bad/made me do something bad.
Since you made me feel bad, you have the power to make me feel good again.
I want you to acknowledge that you were the one that made me feel bad/act bad, and make me feel good again.
Since it's your fault, I can treat you badly because you deserve to be punished for making me feel bad/do bad.
You should accept your punishment and try and make a mends for your error.

Title: Re: “You didn’t fight for me “
Post by: Timberwolf on January 02, 2020, 12:06:24 PM
Ewww .

Title: Re: “You didn’t fight for me “
Post by: AskingWhy on January 03, 2020, 12:43:14 PM
"Not fighting," appears to be a pwBPD testing the non in a R/S. 

This is part of the constant push-pull of being the only sane person in the R/S.  At a certain point, the non has to come to terms with how they will contend with this:  leave the R/S, stay and be the punching bag, or stay and be proactive.

Title: Re: “You didn’t fight for me “
Post by: ortac77 on January 31, 2020, 12:45:04 PM
That thought process seems 'spot on' enabler!

Title: Re: “You didn’t fight for me “
Post by: Enabler on February 03, 2020, 02:53:40 AM
So the confusion becomes, when you fight for them... you become controlling.