BPDFamily.com

Dear all, it’s been a very long time since I’ve been here. I had always hoped when I came back it would be because I was ready to help others again. But today I’m the one who needs to ask for guidance and support.

Since my last time here I’ve managed to obtain a legal separation from my BPDw, though could not get her to agree to separating our residences. She does extremely little in the house and I am a mostly single father to S6 and D4. I’ll mention I am an expat living in my wife’s country with no family to support, only a babysitter that my wife has been working to alienate.  We work very closely with a counselor who has helped improve our interaction (to a degree).

After her latest series of breakdowns in response to my wanting to leave (took the kids out of school and sent me messages about how she was going to kill herself and them) I decided it was time for me to move out and finally separate our lives. I cannot be a healthy father to my children living with her day in day out.

I am looking now and hope to arrange a place just down the street from our current place by the end of the month. I would figure things out day by day and try to keep things as normal as possible for the kids. But I know I am facing some extreme challenges, which is why I will need to guidance of everyone here during this time.  Thank you!

~RolandOfEld

ROE, so glad to hear from you, though I hate that things have not improved much for your situation. I have often wondered how you were doing.

Does the counselor know about the threats your wife made about killing herself and the children? That sounds very scary. Have you kept up your documentation if her behavior?

Welcome back, but I wish it was under better circumstances :hug:

Boy, with threats of suicide and threats to murder your children, I think you ought to be fighting for full custody.  I would see an attorney about this... ASAP.

During my divorce, I weighed the cost (both financial and emotional) on all of us of fighting for more custody, or joint custody on some terms, and decided it wasn't worth it, at least at the time.  My XW might have been emotionally unstable, and often emotionally abusive, but as far as I knew, was not physically abusive, and had her mom living with them, so that there was another adult in the house my kids could rely on for support & protection.

I didn't really have any objective evidence of her behavior I could take to court, and knew that given my kids' young ages I would be fighting an uphill battle to begin with, as the court would presume that younger kids should be with their mother. 

I worried though that I was just kicking the can down the road, and being "penny wise and pound foolish" by not fighting for more custody at the time.

Sometimes though, you need to give pwBPD "rope to hang themselves with" and let them screw up (documenting everything so you can prove it to a judge). 

So...

1) If you can get her threats in a recorded medium, that would help.  If not, at least documenting all these threats and issues in a journal is key.  If you haven't been doing that, I suggest you start.  Making timelines is helpful as well. 

2) In my own case, I took some steps to make moving out as painless as possible.  I set up a bank account, and had all the records go to my office.  I also got a temporary storage unit on the DL I could move things into, so I could "transition out" more quickly (less to move out of the house, and a place to store my stuff while I found a new place).  Again, I had all records go to my office. 

good luck!  Getting out can be a huge emotional, physical, and financial hurdle to clear, but at least in my case, the peace of mind I got from getting out was amazing.  I felt like I was born again.

When I finally finished moving out, and closed and locked the door behind me, even though I had only just filed for divorce, was knee deep in moving boxes, had very little furniture, and not much more than personal stuff, clothes, and our old extra guest bed, I felt a deep sense of peace and closure. 

I too have been wondering how you were doing.

Where do you stand now on protecting documents and important items that have meaning to you? That is often a subtle first step in preparing to physically separate.

At the appropriate time, can your couples counselor help by having the actual discussion between you and your wife in her office?

Redeemed, Pete, Gagirl, so lovely to see your replies and I am touched by your thoughts. I will try to cover everyone’s questions; not used to replying over mobile.

The good news is I have kept detailed records and chat logs for years, including the recent suicide threat. The bad news is that in her country only video evidence of abuse is really very much useful. But I still think it would not be hard to make a case if I needed to. I spoke to my lawyer yesterday and we will have a strategy session soon to discuss how to best navigate the separation period.

Our counselor who is also our individual counselor for both is deeply aware of everything that has / is going on and she has been essential in all of the negotiations of the past few years. She has made a lot of peaceful improvements possible. However, I’ve come to see that peace does not at all equal health, and that to achieve a good situation for both me and kids, I will almost certainly need to kick some dust in her face. There’s no way I can achieve without sacrifice and hardship. Pete your words here about moving out and closure were very powerful for me.

Thank you all so much.

~ROE

Do you have any way of possibly getting video evidence? I don't know what the laws are where you live. Perhaps your lawyer could guide you there.

I'm glad you will have support from the counselor to plan for the physical separation and that she is aware of your wife's behavior.

And as far as hardship and sacrifice goes, I have struggled through the uncertainty of making it on my own and supporting my son since I left my abusive husband, but I have come a long way in two years and the struggle was not nearly as hard as living in the unpredictable and unstable environment of my marriage.

Do you feel comfortable describing how this resolved? Did she bring the kids back as though nothing had been said?


Understandable to want to keep things as normal as possible for the kids. Except having a mother who threatens to kill you and your sibling isn't normal  :( You are exposed to a lot of unstable behavior and may have developed a very high threshold for tolerating how she acts. Would you feel safer living a bit further away? If so, then your kids might feel the same, too. Living down the street may put excessive pressure on them to vote with their feet, appeasing their mom instead of healing from the trauma they've been through.


We're here to walk with you. It can feel like living on a razor's edge for years at a time separating from a disordered spouse. What's the best way we can support you?

Roland,

I am sorry to read about your situation. Regarding moving to a place nearby in the same neighborhood:

I did this about a year ago when I moved out of the marital home. I wanted to be convenient and close to my kids so they could stop by any time, stay over, drop by for lunch, etc. It worked well for a few months while my BPDex was generally ok with everything. As my ex split me black and things became more and more confrontational, she obtained a PFA against me and emergency custody of my children.

So the bottom line is that I am still living in the same neighborhood as my ex, paying much higher rent than I would pay somewhere else, and am currently not allowed to see my children. I'm so close that my ex can (and does) drive by my place to frequently to see what I'm up to. It's an uncomfortable situation and one that I wish I had not entered into in the first place.

My lease is up soon and I will likely be moving 30 minutes away into a much more affordable situation. It will also be out of convenient range for her to just 'drive by' and see what I'm doing.

dt9000

@Redeeomed @lived  @dt9000 your sharing is a great support.  :heart: I have a few updates following some very productive sessions with my counselor and my lawyer.

Counselor: don't move out right away, she will explode and harm will come to the children. Advised me to get a small place and start spending time there in increments without moving out suddenly. She needs time to process these things slowly.
Lawyer: with the evidence I have, particularly chat of her saying she would take the kids to die, any judge would favor me for full custody easily. But be careful about dating even if I'm legally in my rights - she could spin this in front of a judge as the reason she went crazy.

So my strategy for the time being is to get the apartment soon, and explain to her (firmly but gently as my counselor recommends) that I will start spending some time there. As I spend more time and she grows more accustomed, it will be easier to transition to a full move out later on. She has shown the ability to accept incremental change over time. But sudden moves always puts her into a corner and elicits an extreme reaction, which is no good for the kids.

I'll keep everyone updated.

~ROE

It sounds like you're getting really good advice from your counselor and your attorney. Taking things slowly makes a lot of sense. You have the understanding and skills to be very mindful about this, though it's got to be tough dealing with it all. I'm glad you've found such good advocates.

Cat

It sounds like you are doing your due diligence.  Would the counselor be willing to testify that she does believe your wife is a danger to the children?


Did your lawyer have any insight into preferred timing for all of this?  Will the chat proof "age out" at some point where the judge won't give it as much weight?

I don't know what the usual timeframe is for divorce or temporary orders in your jurisdiction.  In mine, I think they could file for the divorce and simultaneously file for an emergency temporary order offering her only supervised visitation, to protect the kids.  But laws in every country are different.