BPDFamily.com

TW: Suicide

Things were getting better for a while then they got way worse.  He kept pushing me away I kept trying to get him help.   He missed three rehab appointments in a row (some by accident, some on purpose).   On NYE we had a big awful fight and he was really mean to me.   I cried and cried whilst he gave me the silent treatment he packed up and He left without saying anything.   He came back late news years day apologised for everything and he was the different version of himself.  He said he needed me.  I told him we needed a break for a week that he couldn't keep treating me like this.   He agreed to stay with a friend for three days, I would go to my family's for three days.

On the second day he came back from his friends said that he couldn't do without me.  I put my foot down and said I needed space.  I drove him to a hotel.   I messaged him when I left for my parents saying that he could come back to our house and we would talk when I got back.

I messaged him letting him know what time I would be back but didn't hear anything.   I was anxious but not too worried.   He would always tell me when he was at risk.   I came home to find him the bath tub.  I'm so sad and in shock and so sad.  Everything is so messy.   His mother has NPD,  I just can't deal with anything.   I can't eat, sleep or think,  all I do is cry.   I miss him so much and I can't help but blame myself.   The one time I felt really confident setting a boundary... It hurts and it hurts.   

 :help: :help: :help:

Hi Pipedreamer. 

I am so sorry for your loss.  We are here and can listen and support you as you process this.

 :hug:

Pipedreamer25, I’m sorry. We are here for you. If anything at all, what do you want to say? We’re listening. :hug:

There are no words to ease the pain. This is so unfortunate. All I can say is that I along with many others are here to support you the best we all can. Please be kind to yourself and please do the best you can to take care of yourself in this difficult time. I sincerely and truly wish you the best moving forward.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-

 :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

I'm so sorry for your loss.  You're right it is terribly sad.  Take care of you.

 :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Thank you all so Kindly.   It's such an awful shock.   He left things so messy too,   cutting off from friends, painted me so black and then so white.   I just miss him,  I miss our good moments.   I loved him so dearly

how unimaginably awful.

how are you holding up? i hope you will lean hard on your support group in this most difficult time.

I feel completely broken, I miss him.  I can't believe this  has happened. I feel sick

 :hug:  :hug: I'm so sorry. That's a very horrible thing to discover and so devastating. Please try to be kind to yourself now, one moment at a time.

Are you staying with your parents momentarily, or are you back in the home? Do you have supportive friends and family?

We're here for you.

So incomprehensibly difficult.  :hug: :hug: Be aware of your breath and when you realize you’re holding it, remember to breathe deeply. Let the sorrow wash over you and retreat, like waves in the ocean. It’s incredibly painful now, but it won’t always be this intense. Be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. Take time to get away in nature, if you can. Do things you enjoy. Read a favorite book. Spend time with good friends. Watch a funny movie.  :hug: :hug:

Cat

Hi Pipedreamer25,

I’m sorry for your loss  :hug:

Oh my goodness.  So sorry for your loss.  jdc

Dear Pipedreamer,

So sorry for your loss!  :hug: :hug:

Where are you now? Are you alone or with your friends/ family?
You really should not be alone right now, so hope you have friends/ family you could reach out. Do you have support there?

This must be a horrible shock, so first things first, you must seek support. But remember that we are also here for you!
Please try to drink plenty of water. Please try to also eat something, even a little bit of bread would do.

Dear Pipedreamer, please remember that BPD is a very serious mental disorder. You are *not * responsible for his choices.
And  your boundary was *not* a reason for his choice.

A very big comforting hug from afar to you,

Please keep on posting. We are here to help you through this traumatic times,

Vincenta

Dear Dreampiper,

Forgot to ask : do you have a therapist?
Did he have one?

This is the time when you really should seek for professional help, too.

 :hug: :hug:

Vincenta

My regular therapist moved away over six months ago and I didn't find a new one.  Things were okay then.   The police have put in referrals for grief counselling.    I'm at my parents house and they are being supportive.   It's just a hard thing for them to understand,   the relationship was so hot and cold these last few months.   When I was away and he hadn't returned any of my phone calls for a day I wasn't too worried because that was normal when he was angry or paranoid but then I hadn't heard for two days.  I hate myself for not doing something earlier,  it is really eating me up.   The police said it's unclear whether it was an accidental or deliberate overdose and that fact is destroying me.  IF I had been with him, he could still be here.   I hate myself so much.     I had been able to help him so many other times when he was suicidal. I'd always manage to get him help.    I'm so sad you guys, I feel so lost. 

Just letting you know there's one more person on the other side of the screen.

You did your best for a long time, you did literally save his life many times over. That, to me, is something special and valuable in you.

We're here, standing guard to support you in these difficult times...

I dont know if you can private message but I work with people who have lost a loved on to suicide. I lost my BPD bio mom when I was 11 years old. I can help find resources if you can message me privately.

Hi Pipedreamer25,

I am very sorry you lost your boyfriend in such a tragic manner. Losing a loved one already is very hard, and suicide adds another layer of sadness. This is a very very difficult way to start the new year. I am glad you posted about what happened and came back to your support group here. Your parents find it hard to understand it all, but I am glad they are being supportive because that's very important when you've just experienced such a tragic and also traumatic event.

You currently don't have a therapist, but the police did provide you referrals for grief counseling. We have a resource here that can help you as you try to process what has happened and try to move on from here:
Recovery from Suicide Loss (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/Recovery_suicide_loss.pdf)

It is a self-help handbook for people who have lost a loved one through suicide. It is meant as an additional resource you can utilize, but not meant to replace the specialized advice of qualified health care professionals: "Suicide loss is psychologically and physically traumatic. You should see your health care provider as soon as possible after your loss."

Here are some excerpts from the booklet:

It will take time to process this. It is a very sad reality that certain people with BPD have suicidal tendencies and in some cases end up actually committing suicide, whether intentional or by accident. When dealing with disordered individuals, it is crucial to have boundaries, to protect oneself and preserve one's own well-being. If our own wellbeing suffers, our capacity to help others would also suffer. His tragic suicide, is not a result of your actions, it is a result of his own difficult thoughts and emotions which he was not able to manage. You did a lot to help him, but ultimately his difficult thoughts and emotions were not something you could control. Knowing this on a rational level is one thing, but of course this does not take away that it can still very much hurt on an emotional level.

Take care and wishing you peace and strength as you come to terms with this difficult loss :hug:

The Board Parrot

 :help:

Guys I'm not good today,  I can't stop panicking.   I'm trying to do all the things but I'm just a wreck.   I have to make contact with his parents today to figure out what's going on with the funeral and the coroner.  I never spoke to his parents before.   He was estranged from them as they were horrifically abusive to him.   I'm scared to speak to them.   I'm so angry at them but I think I need to speak to them.   I'm also scared about the funeral, I don't know if it will be supportive.   only one of his friends has reached out to me and I'm sure the rest hate me.  it's complicated and messy.  when he had an episode he would declare his love to anyone that would listen and then would retract it later.  I'm scared of potentially being around all of the people and having everything further complicated.  I just miss him.  I can't believe I'll never see him again.   I can't believe that this happened

Dear Pipedreamer,

 :hug: Did you start the grief counseling already? It is very important that you will get professional support ASAP.

You might also want to send a private message to  Lloyd Christmas in order to check other possible resources.

When contacting the family of your partner, you should focus on the practicalities only and keep the conversation as short as possible.

Please seek the professional help for yourself,

And keep on posting! You are not alone.

Hugs,

Vincenta

Oh Pipedreamer, I am so very sorry for your loss! I can only imagine how hard it must be for you right now. Please remember, you cannot watch a person 24/7.  The goal, when helping people with BPD, is they help themselves. He unfortunately made a rash decision. As much as we would like to protect our loved bpd ones from everything, we just can’t. We are human, you are human, you did your very best!  Please do not blame yourself. Please surround yourself with people who love and support you. Many churches offer grief support groups. Please take care of yourself and come here for support. My heart breaks for you! You will heal from this.

Pipedreamer, this is truly one of the hardest things to live through.  I am so sorry for your loss.  I am glad you are with your parents and getting support, but please also seek professional help.  To heal as a survivor of  a loved ones suicide will require self compassion and lots of support over time.   Please recognize that this is  not your fault, he was in a lot of emotional pain and you setting a boundary was not the reason.  One of my friends lost her brother to suicide last week, unfortunately the holidays often trigger suicidal thoughts in those at risk. So sad. Take it one day at a time and continue to reach out for support. Hugs!

Pipedreamer25,

We can torture ourselves over "what ifs?" You're going through a lot of conflicting emotions with your grief, and that's to be expected. This is shocking and hurtful on many levels.  Do you think you could handle being at the funeral if you may be isolated without support?

I also PMed you local recources that might be different than what you've been offered...

Tutors

I am so sorry for this, we are all her for you. This is truly terrible. But never ever blame yourself. I know this is hard and understand your pain but in this time you must try to be kind to yourself. It is of the most important.

Big hugs, we are all here for you!

Pipedreamer25,

I'm so very sorry for your loss.   :hug:  :hug:  :hug:

SH4

I'm terribly sorry. Terribly sorry.

I recently lost someone to suicide as well. My mother and first girlfriend were both borderline and bipolar. I feel so much disappointment in how different my life would have been had I simply escaped and not dated that first girlfriend. In my case the person who committed suicide was a healthier partner I dated several years later. We broke up a year ago and today my most recent partner is showing the usual signs of emotional volatility... Nobody can imagine the immense regret and pain I feel to know that I could have helped save someone, but instead I abandoned her to repeat my past mistakes.


There is nothing I can possibly say that would change how you feel. I just wish I could give you a hug. If you ever feel like you are in a crisis, then please reach out to hotlines and your local community crisis centers to create a plan for moving forward. I have reached out to local hospice agencies, which offer grief counseling. There are also support groups that are accessible through NAMI's website.

Thank you so much for all your support.    I'm so sorry for your loss throwaway2.    I'm not having a good day today.   I have to start planning the funeral,  I have no money for this.   I'm going to have to meet with his parents for the first time soon.   He never wanted me to meet them.   They were abusive in his childhood.   I'm scared that this is going to be a huge event with lots of people I don't know.   People he probably painted me black too.   It's just so painful.  And it's only just really hitting me now that he's gone that I'll never see him again, never get so speak to him,  hold him, kiss him, make him laugh.   My heart is just so broken today.   

How did you end up in the role of planning the funeral? How much support from his family are you getting?

His family are taking over the role of planning the funeral.   They have asked me what my wishes are. They will make an appointment with a funeral director.  I am his next of kin.    We were together for six years, with some breaks, but the past three years we were together.   The coroner named me person of interest.   I just don't have the strength to plan the funeral.   I feel like I'm letting him down.   

This is what families are for, to support and come together  :hug:

Take them at their word and help as you can. You all are grieving.

Hi.   :hug:

Had he ever told you his wishes regarding a funeral?  If he did, share with the rest of his family.  If not what would be important for you?  You mentioned being afraid you will be around people you do not know.  You can state that you want your family and friends to stand and sit with you in addition to them.   You can choose to drive separately with a friend to and from the funeral home/church.   It sounds like his other family is not cutting you out of things so that is good. 

What would be important to you?  Write it out here with us and that might help you be able to speak about it with his other family.

He would joke about what he wanted all the time but it was nothing serious.   There were some moments when he was super low and would play me songs that helped him.   I'm hoping they'll be able to play those songs.    The family want to have a non conventional funeral at a venue where they will be live music - like a big party.   It feels so overwhelming to me.   His Dad invited me to come to the planning but I there are so many reasons why I can't do that right now all very complex.   I said I couldn't but the director/ celebrant would call me after to discuss.   Some of my family will come to the funeral,  I'm hoping my friends will too.   I just don't know if I can cope with a huge crowd of people in a big party setting. 

There's still so much to think about and it's all so expensive.   I haven't discussed costs with the family yet and have no idea how to bring it all up. 

At this stage it's likely that the earliest date for the funeral will be Wednesday next week.   I'm dreading it and I just want it over with and I don't want any awful surprises.   It's awful.

Thank you again for listening to me, what would I do without this board

Hi dear Pipedreamer,

Firstly : a big big hug to you!  :hug:
How is it with basic survival now - have you been able to drink plenty of water? Eat a bit ? Sleep at least couple of hours a night?
You will need now all your strength and therefore you need to treat yourself very well, nourish your body and try to rest as much as you can.

I am sorry but despite of the shock, some practicalities are non-avoidable at the moment. Funerals won’t wait. Just a sad fact of life - for everyone.

I echo Harri and also think that his family asking for your input for the funeral is a positive sign.
And moreover, you do not have to arrange the funeral all by yourself, so please! use this chance offered to you.
(Even putting aside the cost, arranging any funeral is a lot of work - there  are so many formalities, arrangements... unfortunately I just had to go through all of that recently,  as my Mom died unexpectedly about 6 months ago, I was the only child, she was a widow, I live in a different country than she did etc - it was really challenging indeed to arrange it all).

I understand that these type of practicalities are extremely difficult and hard to handle in your current shock status, but nevertheless - please do contact his family and participate. Otherwise, later on, you are very likely to regret losing the only chance to contribute to the funeral of your loved one.

You might want to give your condolences to the parents , state that you are also still in shock status and devastated, and then to provide the list of your partner’s favorite songs as a proposal to his family ( and any other - hopefully not very costly- proposal you might think your partner would wish, and please also  provide an explanation behind of the any special wish to the parents, if possible,  as it will refer to the person their son was, and it might be important and/ or comforting to them as well as to you).

In addtion, you might want to add that your financial situation is very tight at the moment and unfortunately you are not able participate OR that you can participate with xx amount only in funding of the funeral.

And as Harri stated, you should not go alone to the funeral, but please take  your best friend or one supportive family member along. Please notify also his parents that you will attend the funeral with your friend/ family member.
Then it is completely up to you how long you will stay at the funeral - you do not have to stay there for hours if you don’t want to/cannot. People will understand.

Most importantly, you will have  a chance to say farewell to the person you loved dearly, at least partially on your terms. If you feel that you will not be able to say anything at the funeral, how about writing a letter to him that could be also buried with him?

Dear Pipedreamer, sorry if all above sounds somewhat pushy or harsh. Again, I do understand that it is all very overwhelming, but as said, you might regret dearly afterwards if not attending his funeral, so please try to gather all your strength now and contribute and attend the funeral,  to honor his memory, his unique life and your love for him.

Hugs and strength!

Vincenta

Ps Dear Pipedreamer,
In addition, you really have to seek for a professional support.
Have you met anyone yet?
What was the outcome?

Pipedreamer,
  I am so sorry. What a horrific loss. I echo everything that's already been said about needing support through this. I'm really sorry. I'm sending all my love and support.  :hug:
TMD

Thank you everyone for all of your support and letting me talk about this.   I'm trying to stay strong.   I haven't been in touch with a therapist yet.   I'm considering reconnecting with the one I used to go to but it's just hard.    Basic survival: well I'm drinking plenty of water,   food and sleep are much harder.   I feel so broken.

I've spoken lots with his father.   I might be meeting him for the first time to look at the funeral venue this Saturday.   I'm very anxious and nervous but feel I need to do it.   He never wanted me to meet his parents,  I'm scared particularly to meet his mother she did awful things to him, things no parent or adult really should do to a child.   So it's going to be confronting but I feel I have to be there for him.

I'm in the process of going through songs and photos for the memorial.    It's very hard.   I was lucky in a way.   My partner understood his BPD pretty well, he was an intelligent guy.   He worked hard to learn strategies and get help.   For years I didn't post on this board because we had a mostly good life.   There would still be moments but nothing we didn't think we could work through.   When he started drinking and taking drugs again though there was no way he could control them.   He would do all the things that he had worked hard to avoid.   

I know it sounds silly but I'm nervous about who will show up and what differing accounts they'll have of him.  I loved him so much just when he was unwell he could be a completely different person and he could do so much damage in such a targeted way.   It just hurts.   I can't believe I won't get to talk to him anymore.   

I’m so very sorry, Pipedreamer, this is never an outcome anyone can plan for.

Do you have family, friends, support systems around you to help with planning/attending his funeral?  There’s strength in numbers and I pray you’re surrounded by loving support.

Please remember, we didn’t cause, we can’t control, and we can’t cure the illness.  Your involvement in his life gave him more time and more meaning than he would have otherwise had.  You blessed him.  When someone is determined to leave there’s no stopping them.  You couldn’t fix what was inside him, he couldn’t either.  You’re not to blame.  He had more time and more love in this world because of your selfless sacrifices.  He knew you loved him, I truly believe he took that knowledge with him.  No doubt he loved you too.  Some demons in the cognitive functioning are harder to overcome.  I’m sure you both did everything you could.

Nothing I say will take away your pain.  Please know I care, more than you know.  My uBPDh lost his grown nephew over nine years ago to suicide and took his wife with him, I do have concerns about my H and if he might do the same.  But I can’t live his life for him.  We’ve been separated a long time, my safety is not a concern.

Letting go is so hard.  He knew he was loved, never forget that.

Prayers for you, my heart goes out to you.  Please keep expressing your grief and know you have a village standing with you.

Thank you 2loyal2long those are beautiful words amongst the many others giving me strength.   I just am anxious about any nasty surprises at the funerals.   My partner had a lot of intense relationships,   and I can't control it but I just don't know if I can face them and their grief.  I just hope that everyone is on their best behaviour.   

I do feel like there was such a different with my pwBPD when he was using and when he wasn't.   Sometimes we weren't even sure if the diagnosis was correct.    The substance use just made him so different and he did all sorts of hurtful things when he was using.    I just feel like closure is going to be very hard.    I loved him dearly and I know that he did love me too,  but he was always honest about finding love threatening and fearful it would go away or sometimes he would tell me that he didn't think I loved him at all and that my life would be better without him.   He didn't know how to let himself be loved,   he was in so many destructive relationships and it's just such an absolute tragedy.  He had self sabotage at an art form at times but it was like he was in a trance,  he come back to himself and reject everything he did talk calmly and intelligently and supportively with me.   The whole way this has ended has really messed up my head.   

It's been a week today since I found him,  it's been a really hard day.   I just want the funeral to go as peacefully as possible without any surprises because I'm so vulnerable right now and desperate for kindness.   

Hi sweetheart, my prayers are with you.

Everything you’ve described sounds like typical BPD, self sabotage, better off without him (a way to control who does the abandoning), unsure of his feelings (he was being truthful, I now understand my uBPDh’s ambivalence, they really don’t know how they feel when dysregulated), etc.  It’s all so familiar.

Closure isn’t a destination, it’s an an acceptance, radically accepting what is, knowing we can’t change the obvious.  Grieving is not linear, some days the best you can do is maybe make coffee and get a shower.  Celebrate that, it’s a success.

How I came to accept my H’s nephew’s murder/suicide was that it doesn’t make sense because it’s not supposed to make sense.  That’s how I found my acceptance.  The truth of their deaths will always be there, nothing can change that.  I gradually came to accept what is.

I’ve heard it said that suicide is a selfish act.  I’m not so sure about that.  Maybe we’re the selfish ones to want someone to stay who is facing unbearable pain they can’t effectively communicate.  It’s a theoretical thought, there are no right or wrong answers.

I’ve known of others in the AA program who’ve checked out, I’m no stranger to this ending.  Drug/alcohol abuse is a form of self soothing painful emotions, a well-entrenched way of thinking that there are no other options to self soothe.  Take away the substance without healing to replace what’s lost and it ends in disaster.  I’ve seen it over and over again and I’ve seen the destroyed families left behind, grappling for answers that just won’t come.

The fact that you found him begets obvious trauma.  Please find a trauma informed counselor.  T’s claim to treat trauma but asking if they’re trauma informed will vet out those who are simply claiming to know how to treat trauma.  EMDR is especially effective for PTSD and I can only imagine that a roller coaster relationship has created layers of chronic trauma, (complex PTSD) or C-PTSD.  Also, as hard as this is to say, he may have left this world in a place where you would find him because he knew you’d take care of him afterwards.  No one wants to be alone in death.  In case it’s crossed your mind that he was trying to hurt you I wanted to suggest another option.  He knew you’d be there for him, even in death.  I hope I didn’t just break your heart further.  I don’t want that.

Grieving will be a process.  Yes, you can still talk to him, you can journal, you will carry him in your heart and I truly believe, in some way, he will be able to hear you.  And I do believe in some ways, yet unknown, you will hear from him too.  It may be the Cardinal that comes to visit.  It may be the butterfly that hovers around you longer than expected.  It may be that sense of complete peace that comes when there’s simply no reason for it.

I don’t need to tell you this but I want to remind you.  If he was well he would not have chosen this path.  He was sick, and he didn’t ask to be sick.  For reasons you may never know, healing and recovery eluded him.  He may have reached for it at times but could not hold on.  He tried, he really did.  He may have just gotten tired.  There’s no blame to pass around, not to you, not to him.  We give our best, and that’s enough.

Closure is what we get when we buy a house, a car, or finalize a sale.  Human lives are not commodities, I can’t “close” someone but I can come to accept that they’re gone and I’ll never understand why they made that choice, whether it be accidental or intentional.  For me, acceptance is letting go, and it comes in stages and layers.

Celebrate his beauty, honor him, how blessed you are that he trusted you enough to let you in.  You gave meaning and purpose to his life he may never have had otherwise.  Yes, he loved you, and he knew you loved him.  Love sometimes isn’t enough for someone who’s fighting demons they can’t control.  But you gave him love.  Thank goodness for that.

Take supportive people with you to the funeral.  Also, paper towels don’t leave lint all over your face so I prefer them to tissue.  Just a side note.

It’s okay to feel angry towards him for leaving, at some point you may possibly go there.  It’s okay.  Feelings are just that, feelings.  They’re not judgements.

Thinking of you and lifting you in prayer.  May his spirit fly high and may he be granted peace he did not know in this life.

Bless you, sweetheart.

Dear Pipedreamer,

How are you?

Hope you have found family members/ friends that will support you at the funeral.

Big hug  :hug: :hug:

Vincenta

Ps. When it comes to your ex and the substance use -  I had very similar experiences with my ex PwBPD.  We were together 6 years. He was sometimes very sensitive, loving, understanding, but as soon as under substance ( alcohol, often weed too)  he turned out to be a real monster - hurtful, aggressive, sometimes violent, sabotaging everything...He often expressed his suicidial fantasies during those episodes/under influence.

Thanks everyone,  I've truly been up and down.    I met with his parents for the first time today to discuss funeral arrangements which was honestly the weirdest thing.   His father was so lovely,   his mother was a bit more difficult.   I understand she was grieving but it was all about her,  I can understand why he wanted me to keep her away.    Everything seems so fragmented.   I went back to my flat today,  it was hard but kind of peaceful but also hard.   I'm very confused.

Thank you all seriously from the bottom of my heart,  I couldn't do this without you.   It's so hard explaining to people who don't what BPD is and does and what substance abuse can do to it.   I don't know how I'll get through this week but you give me hope.

Thank you again

What I recommend is for you to keep posting and keep using this forum as a place of solace and sanctuary for you. I am staying away from saying certain things for a reason. I want you to focus on healing and I would much rather sit back and observe and hopefully see you make progress with every little baby step toward grieving and healing. This is going to be a long road, but in the end you are going to be ok. Treasure your own life and treasure the memories from your lost loved one.

I am here for support and would essentially much rather just provide you with a listening ear as opposed to providing any advice or feedback unless specifically request it.

I send you a big bear hug of support with all the kindness and warmth to help you through the darkness.

Cheers and best wishes!

-SC-