BPDFamily.com

I grew up with mother with BPD.  My father is a psychologist so he was very aware of how severe it was for her.  Now that I'm in college, I'm having significant problems forming healthy relationships.  I'm constantly reserved and feel like I'm annoying people, and people all eventually stop talking to me.  My mother has started using guilt every time she sees me as a weapon.  She starts to cry which makes me feel terrible and like a bad child to her.  I spent my entire childhood in a constant state of anxiety and I'm still coming to terms with that.  Her mood swings were so severe and often it felt like two different people.  Its gotten to the point where she treats me and my father so poorly at times, and I know it sounds selfish, I wish they weren't together.  She has hurt my dad so much and its starting to show more and more as time goes on.  She claims we're ganging up on her and that nothings wrong with her, and that she's better whenever we bring it up.  Christmas was almost unbearable this year because she caught me and my dad talking about it.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I also in the process of bringing it back up, and talking to people about it, uncovered repressed memories of her.  Just the way she looked at me and talked to me all the time.  It probably sounds ridiculous.  I think that all the time too.  Like I have no reason to be damaged, like other people have it so much worse, but I know disqualifying my feelings hurts me more.  I just don't know how to feel. I feel like I have no healthy relationships at my school, and my romantic relationships have all been slightly emotionally abusive towards me.  I generally prefer people who reject me or treat me poorly and its so hard for me to get away from them.  I guess I just want to talk to somebody who understands. 

Hi wanky and welcome.

We definitely get it here.  So many of us have or had family members with BPD or BPD traits and have had similar struggles in their own lives and relationships.  The good news is that things can get better for you as you work on recovery.  All of us here are at various stages and we support and learn from each other.

You mentioned you are talking to people about the abuse and what you experienced.  Are you referring to a therapist?  Several of us are also in therapy as there is often a lot to unpack and try to resolve.

I mention all that so you know you are not alone and there are people here who get it and can talk with you.  You can learn healthy ways to cope and how to detach emotionally from your mom and that can help you in your new relationships.

I hope you share more, settle in and read and jump into other threads.  Having a support network like this board can go a long way in terms of helping you.

Again, *welcome*

Hi wanyk,

I wanted to join Harri and welcome you to the group.  :hi:  I'm the stepmom of two stepdaughters right around your age who have an undiagnosed BPD mom (uBPDmom), you are not alone in struggling with both your mom's behaviors and the effects those behaviors can have on you.

Can I ask what your relationship with your peers was like in High School and what year are you in college?  Are you living on campus or at home?

Were you "reserved" before you went to college?  I'm an introvert (I gain energy when I'm alone and use energy when I am social) and I'm wondering if you might be too.  I often felt like there was something wrong with me because I live in an extroverted society and by nature do not fit into that mold.

First of all recognizing this is awesome when you can do that it helps to not take things as personally.  You can see this behavior is about her and not you. Guilt is part of what we around here call FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail.  I've seen my step-daughters' mom use all three but Guilt is also her favorite  :(

Here is a link to more on FOG...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

I'm so glad you found our site and decided to jump in and join us.  There is a lot of support, information, tools, and just a place to vent if you need it, here.  I hope you will check out the posts of other members for me it was really nice to find there were others dealing with similar things.

Take Care,
Panda39

I think some of what's happening is just normal adjusting to college and being on your own.  Going to college is a life lesson all in itself, it's not just about the education...it's about growing up and independence too.  (I know I sound like a mom...I can't help myself  *)  Is it particular people or groups that you feel uncomfortable around or is it something more general?

Do you think heading off to college and the stuff surfacing around your mom are related in anyway?


This does not sound ridiculous at all, you will find others here that have experienced repressed memories too.

Are you seeing a Therapist at all?  It might be helpful to talk with an outside professional (who's not your dad) my younger step daughter (19) has found that really helpful. Step daughter 23 is toughing it out on her own...she's talked about going but hasn't followed through.  :(

 

I don't think the desire for a more healthy family life is selfish at all, it makes complete sense to me. Why do you think your dad has stayed? 

I've got to get back to work but will be back later and I know other members will add their thoughts too. 

Panda39

Just to piggyback on Panda39's idea, colleges will usually offer counselling/mental health supports.  Student's can usually access these services for free (sometimes there's a waiting list).  Something to think about.

Yesterday I called my student counseling service and scheduled an appointment.  I appreciate you all encouraging me.  She knows I'm going to counseling and she keeps asking if everything is okay.  We also got her to go to a profesional, though she openly admitted to lying to them about her tendencies. 

Hi wanky3,

That's great news about the the counseling appointment.  |iiii I think it will be really helpful to have someone who works with students specifically to talk with. How did your mom find out about your appointment?  I would keep what you tell your mom about this to a minimum.  I have found with my step-daughters that their mom will use personal information as a weapon to get them to do what she wants, or to punish them, less knowledge is probably better.

It is okay to keep things private from your mother.  This is not lying, this isn't mean, this is setting a boundary.  Boundaries are about protecting ourselves.  Boundaries are also a key tool in your tool-belt. A lack of boundaries particularly with a BPD parent is often how you are raised.  Enmeshment is common.  Independence can be a struggle when you have a parent that is overly involved in your life. 

Below are a couple of links regarding boundaries...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

Do you think being away at school and away from your mom that some things are becoming more clear?  Often times a period away from the dysfunction can create more clarity...or maybe more confusion  :(. 

If you have time and are interested in reading on BPD you might want to checkout...Stop Walking on Eggshells : Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger. 

Hang in there  :hug:
Panda39

Wanyk3,

I answered you in the other thread. Glad you are seeking counseling. Again, a bpd parent does not nurture our social skills as part of normal development. Other kids learned those skills as kids and teens- how to make friends and how to walk away from problem people.  

I had to learn from scratch starting in college. It’s a very common thing when your parent is bpd. Your dad is a psychologist, but many don’t have experience treating bpd patients or know how it really is to be raised by one.

It’s painful and not fair.  At least you are young and realize the issues. That’s a good start in the right direction!  :hug:  :hug:

Hi Wanky!  :hi:

Do you mind me asking what year you are in college? And is this your first time living away from home/are you living on campus?

Moving away for the first time, and transitioning to campus/college life can be incredibly overwhelming in and of itself, but even more so if you've already had difficulty with or few opportunities to make social connections.

I want to echo what everyone else has mentioned about utilizing counseling services at your school. I feel like it took me entire freshman year to settle into and find where I felt most comfortable and even that continued to evolve throughout my time at school. The wonderful thing about college, though, is that there are often many resources and structured activities available. The counseling center or even your academic advisor might be able to help with that. Some schools, at least mine did, also have health or wellness centers that focus not just on physical health, but overall wellness.

I do think you sound like you are off to a good start with taking care of yourself- please know you aren't alone!  :hug: