BPDFamily.com

Hey all,

First of all I want to say thank you all so much who have reached out and supported me during this time.  I’m not going to lie, this journey out of malignant narcissistic abuse by my exBPD partner has been extremely hard.  I am asking again for your help, guidance and advice.

A cousin of my ex has reached out to me and wants to know how I am doing.  Not long ago I was there for him and supported him during a difficult breakup.  It’s been a long time since we corresponded and as much as I want to respond back, I’m nervous that he might have been recruited as a flying monkey.  When he and I were corresponding regularly he and I were buddies and I believe him to be a good guy, flaws and all.  That being said, I don’t want to get sucked back into any relationship that puts me in the proximity or connects me to my ex anymore than I already am.  We are already co-parenting and I am doing modified no contact to the best of my ability, keeping the focus of all conversations on the children and their needs.  I’m getting used to this style of communication and am working hard to keep it civil and business like. 

Even though I could use a friend I am hesitant because I don’t want this connection to be used by my ex or her narc mother as a back channel to gain info on me.  Then again, what if this guys concern and wanting to reach out and connect is genuine?  As you can see I’m torn. 

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks

Dear Pausercell-

A “cousin of my ex”... and “I could use a friend”.  In my mind, those two thoughts conflict.  A friend is someone with whom you can truly share how you’re feeling and what you’re going through.  This cousin of your ex is sadly likely NOT a safe person for you to do that with.

If you were not already best of friends with him, why would he begin a deep friendship with you now that your relationship with his cousin is limited to just co-parenting?  And If your ex has charming qualities, she may charm her cousin into telling her exactly what you’ve told him.

I don’t know... bad gut feeling.  You are able to establish friendships outside of her family.  People who you choose.  People who don’t report back to your ex.  People who are *your* people.

You can respond and say “I’m doing fine.  Hope things are good with you”.  Ask no questions.  Leave it at that.

Your thoughts?

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Thanks for the advice.  It makes a lot sense and was exactly what I needed to hear.  You’re right, he isn’t someone who can be trusted, unfortunately.  Heck, with how manipulative my ex and her mother are it would make sense that he might no even realize he is being recruited. 

Fantastic advice.  Thanks so much.