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My husband of28 yrs is in the worst “episode” (for lack of a better term) he has had yet. We are on day 9 of the silent treatment and him acting like I don’t exist. We live in the same house which makes it so hard.  This is the first time I have really read about this and seen the traits of BPD in him. I am trying to give him space but am unsure as how to navigate this. Do I ask if he wants to talk or leave him alone. If I do ask, do I just ask the question or say something like “I care deeply about you and how you are feeling.I know you have a difficult time communicating your thoughts and feelings with me but I want to listen if you want to talk.” If I should leave him alone, do I just wait it out until he decides he is ready to talk or moves out... I want to do the right thing. I have really hurt his ability to communicate with me because I am horribly guilty of JADEing and now he doesn’t trust me. I am working on it but it might be too late. Any suggestions?

Hi PeaceLoveLight,  :hi:

I think that you can choose either. You could choose to say nothing and give him space but in a way it would be ignoring your needs because you want to find out what the root cause is. You could look at stressor - a pwBPD do not respond well to stress, is there something going on in his personal life, work etc and you should be able to find your answer there or have an idea without being direct.

The silent treatment is not a healthy way to communicate it could mean that they are going into self protection mode or trying to regain control in the r/s.

How a pwBPD thinks is different than a non because they put feelings before the facts whereas we do it the other way around feelings are followed after the facts and the structure of what you said is perfect but I would add your feelings at the end. You want to shows to a pwBPD that you are supportive and validate feelings first and package your truth at the end. Here is a SET example using your words:

I care deeply for you. I can understand how it can be difficult to communicate thoughts and feelings and I'm here for you if you want to talk. I want this r/s to work it hurts when you ignore me because it makes it feel like you don't care.

Communicate - S.E.T. (Support, Empathy and Truth) (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0)

He finally talked last night. All of this because I told him our insurance was due in 6 days. ( he has major issues with money and that seems to be a trigger)  The conversation went pretty much as usual. He says he thinks he is done but then will talk and in the end says he loves me but is frustrated. He would then just forget it and move forward but I can’t. I have reached a different place this time. I love him also, very much, but 9 days of this was so hurtful. Now I am back to being a good person but when we are talking through  one of these silent treatments all kinds of things get brought up that I have done to make him unhappy. It really all comes down to these words I hear over and over.. “I(meaning him) don’t make you happy.” “You would be happier with someone else.” Last night even went as far to say he would stay until I found a boyfriend if that is what would make me happy. Even though I tell him over and over that he is who I want.
He has agreed to talk more this weekend about things we can do to try and communicate better so he isn’t triggered and we don’t have to keep going through this. I need some help in how to navigate that conversation. I want him to know that the silent treatment is unacceptable to me and that we have to communicate. I also am wondering if it really matters what we agree to if he gets triggered will he just go back to what he always does.

Sounds like a lot of insecurity on his part -- not unexpected. And I find that a lot with my H. A lot of his dysregulations at me are, at their root, about a fear of losing me.

It matters what you agree to. Yes, he will probably get triggered and fall back into patterns. Progress is not linear. But it can get better, especially if you both work on your communication skills.

When my H had his breakthrough, we talked about things and came up with some rules for communication: no serious discussions via text or email, no serious conversations when alcohol was involved, no serious discussions after 10 p.m. And we came up with a safe word either one of us could use if triggered. Once it's said, we go to separate rooms for 30 minutes. If one of us is still upset, that's another 30. That's what works for us. Your needs/wants may be different.

What are some rules you think might help your situation? Feel free to share what you're thinking of saying and we'll be happy to give pointers and feedback.

When going into the conversation, be sure to use "I" statements, not "you" statements, which come across as criticism and may trigger defensiveness. Mutt gave a good suggestion with SET. You might also consider reading up on DEARMAN (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=160566.0).