BPDFamily.com

My 25y/o daughter has BPD. It was first suggested as a diagnosis when she was only 8, but at the time her therapist was reluctant to label her due to her age. Fast forward, we (husband and I) have had many challenges over the years, but have seen no improvement in her behavior. She's not be able to complete college, despite having a real goal. She also has never held a full time job. As a result she's financially dependent on us and lives with us. I need help coping because at the moment I hate her. She has told us she takes money from "old guys" which terrifies and disgusts me. I've educated myself on BPD and understand some of her behavior is predicated by her disease, but I just don't know how I can continue to live with her in our home. My husband and I are recently retired and the financial drain is exhausting us and we see no light at the end of the tunnel. She says she's open to more therapy and working to get healthy but it feels like lip service. Her therapist is concerned as well as she hasn't altered any of her destructive behaviors. I'm almost paralyzed with panic/grief/sadness.

Hello there.

I hear you.. are you in the UK? Do you have social security or social workers to support her/you financially and/or practically if she can’t work?

My ex h and I provide some financial support but we’ve made it clear we will only provide essentials and if he wants a car etc he has to earn it himself. It’s amazing how that’s motivated him. Feeding and basic clothing is one thing but funding a lifestyle isn’t really..

I know it’s hard not to get angry / annoyed. Is it possible you can get a break by yourself to switch off and leave your husband in charge... and then he could do the same? Also what about therapy for you? I’m about to start cbt for how I’m feeling and behaving next week and I already feel better for taking some control over myself when things feel out of control..

Own oxygen mask first remember...

Thank you for responding. I do have a therapist, husband has a therapist, daughter has a therapist and we have a family therapist. We're not in the UK but the US. I'm having a particularly hard day and I'm so very sad. I cannot imagine what it's like living in her head and it breaks my heart and then she struts in at 8 am looking like a hooker after a long night and the anger just builds. I'm seeing a new dr. Tuesday and hope to find some help there.

Hello mdmom. I think we all have our moments of panic and grief. This is a very tough journey. It is great that you all have therapists to talk to. You also have us. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

I am very sorry that you and your husband are having to deal with this "in your face" disrespectful behaviour. I understand the anger, the sadness, and the feeling of paralysis. I have a daughter aged 31 with similar behaviours. Thankfully she no longer lives with us and is living with a bf closeby. It is a rocky relationship with the end in sight. She will expect to be rescued financially etc when that time comes.
It is impossible to like a person with these behaviours, so do not feel bad about that. NIH and Harvard research show there is almost a 50% genetic component to BPD, so the therapists who try to blame parents, particularly mothers have it wrong. I have 3 children all born within a 4 year timeframe, the other 2 are fine,without any of this behaviour and are frankly appalled by it.  My ex husband and his mother showed strong signs of it. (undiagnosed but miserable)                                     
The way my daughter perceives the world is very skewed. She was a happy child and everything changed during adolescence. Rages, impulsivity, self harm and a total lack of empathy which persists. She has dropped out of college repeatedly, cannot hold a job or be in any way fiscally responsible.
 She is intelligent, articulate, charming and talented, so many around us who never see the dark side are puzzled at  the stasis and lack of progress in her life.It is a lonely and painful journey for a parent and as the graduation and wedding invitations come in for friends and cousins, we put on our brave faces and we  soldier on. These few strategies help me cope.
I find it helpful to insulate myself emotionally from the onslaughts .
I refuse to be bullied and remove myself immediately when it starts.
I enforce my boundaries in my home.
While viewing her with compassion I refuse to be manipulated.
I accept this is my daughter as she is and not the idealized child. I can grieve this painful loss and then I must move on.
I have a support system that I can confide in when needed.
Remember you are not alone. There seems to be an epidemic of this in modern culture, but that's a whole other topic. Hang in there!

MdMom,
My DD19’s behavior is similar. She told me this morning that she “gets money from friends” to help pay for her bills. She does work 2 jobs which is a miracle after being fired from between 8-10 (I lost count). I see it simply as very very poor, self destructive coping skills not much different that drug abuse. That hardest part for me is trying to remember that in her mind this behavior isn’t really a choice she makes with her prefrontal cortex as a default for her. We are not going to throw our DD out via eviction so we have very little we can take away As a consequence. She pays for her car and her cell phone and her basic expenses.

It’s a tricky world we live in where natural consequences and our boundaries don’t seem to curb her behavior.

I wonder if it's possible to get her into a crisis house or a group home, you could touch base with your therapist. My BPD daughter who is 30 was also diagnosed as an "vulnerable adult" and was able to get into a crisis living center and I was hopeful after the 6 months she'd move into a group home but she decided on something else. I have decided that the only thing I can do stand back and let her do her own thing, it seems like that is best option for us. I won't support her financially at all anymore, I'd like to be able to enjoy my life too. Good luck and hugs to you both.

Mdmom,

I have great empathy for your situation. 

My dd24 also “dates”older men for money to pay her bills.  She lived with us (stepdad and I) for awhile but it was unbearable.  We ended up forcing her to move out and cut her off financially and she’s now in her own apartment.

The thing with the older guys is worrying. I understand your concerns on that front and can offer you some possible insight from my own experience. 

My daughter started doing the sugar baby dating thing about a year ago.  She’s had some scary experiences, one man became obsessed with her and harassed her crazily.  She has actually found one man whom she sees exclusively now.  It disgusts me too but from what she’s told me, he is very kind and generous to her.  He hasn’t pushed her too hard for sex (so she says) and wants to “mentor” her. 

How does your daughter meet these older fellows/sugar daddies?  Mine used a well known website.

I wish you the best of luck in your very difficult situation.