BPDFamily.com

Ok, so it's been a tough ride these last few months.

Me and my ex partner broke up around last August, so around 6 months ago now.

During that time it's been a rollercoaster for me, she's seen other people, and been dating other guys, but we're still living together , not entirely sure why tbh, she's not on the lease or anything, and I own the house. Anyway, we decided she can have the spare bedroom and pay me rent.

Anyway, during this time we still sleep together occasionally, we still chill together now and then , been making each other meals etc , the people I've spoke to say , so your basically a couple in denial then, or in a weird open relationship. Whenever I ask her though , she reminds me we're not together, like she told me she won't be home tomorrow she'll be out with a guy, but at the same time, she took me out for dinner tonight and said consider that my valentine's gift, and she said the other day it's almost been four years since we met... She also suggested taking a holiday together.


But I'm kinda confused, why do couple things if she's adamant were not a couple ?

Thoughts ?

Like the other day she suggested we chill in bed with a movie ?

Unsure101, this push-pull is confusing behavior. Many people here post about it. This thread (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=99725.0) might be really helpful for you to read through. You're not alone.

I'm new to BPD so I'm still learning too, but it seems this "I hate you don't leave me," hot/cold dynamic is tied to their fear of engulfment, shame, fear of abandonment, and more. It's part of what makes relationships with pwBPD difficult, but not impossible.

Is this something you're comfortable with long term? In the thread I posted above, Skip suggested that sometimes nonBPD's contribute to or perpetuate push-pull behavior. If this isn't something you want long term, we can brainstorm with you about your options. 

It sounds like the arrangement that my BPDw has proposed to me (I didn't accept it).  She wants the freedom to be with others, but doesn't want to lose the "safety" of having me.  She wants me to do all of the things that I currently do for her as my wife (hold/hug/kiss her, comfort her, have long, deep conversations, pay the bills, maintain the house, etc.), but she wants the passion of new romances as well.  Personally, I'm not okay with her being in romantic relationships with other men. 
It sounds to me like your ex is living out that fantasy with you.  She has the comfort of a consistent "home base," and the option of having comfortable/cozy nights with a familiar person when she doesn't want the stress that comes from being with someone new.
My thought is that you need to decide whether this is how you want to spend your time.  I try to put it in the lens of "if I were lying on my death bed, looking back at my life, how do I want to see myself and how I chose to spend my time?"  For me, I want to be engaged in meaningful work that benefits me, my family, those I work with and those I'm working for.  For relationships, I want to invest in relationships that go for depth, rather than a broad swath of shallow ones.  That includes my romantic/marriage partner. 
Obviously, everyone is different and many people prefer to have a wide breadth of experiences.
If you decided you want your life to look different than it currently does, you will need to set boundaries that enable you to focus on moving your life in the direction that you want.  In my opinion, it's highly unlikely that your ex will force the directional shift because she's currently having her cake and eating it too.  Or, she will bring your current situation to a dramatic end when she meets someone else that she "doesn't want to lose" but isn't okay with her situation with you.  Ultimately, if you aren't comfortable with your current situation, you should make the decision about what you want and decide what steps you're going to take to move in that direction.