Children, Parents, or Relatives with BPD => Son, Daughter or Son/Daughter In-law with BPD => Topic started by: wambat on February 14, 2020, 03:30:56 PM

Title: am I wrong
Post by: wambat on February 14, 2020, 03:30:56 PM
I posted a few days ago but now the guilt is overwhelming.
I said at that time our son was in a serious accident. He lives 6 hrs. away in snow belt country so a drive there in Winter is not feasible for his 75 year old parents.
He is divorced from his wife and lives with a partner. His daughters live  6 hrs away from him with their mother and her fiance   about an hour from us.Our son wanted us to drive his daughters to him since he cannot right now due to his injury but said we cannot take on that responsibility.
As it turned out his ex`s fiance drove the girls to him  for a few days.
Our son sent a VERY abusive text to us[ not the first abusive text we have received for sure] when we said we could not drive them basically telling us again about his terrible injury[ we were there for his surgery and hospital stay]. It was  very serious. He says he doesn`t want us in his life, that we are not helping with his healing and that we always say no.All said in very abusive language via text
This is not the case - we have supported him through so much over the past many years. He is 45.We were not perfect parents but not abusive and he had a good childhood.
I just can`t seem to deal with the guilt. We do love him and want him to heal. Counselling is something we could never suggest. He thinks we are the wrong ones not him and would never listen to a counselor so I cannot follow any of the suggestions in the books about getting him help.I see this situation as hopeless. We are staying clear of his toxicity but it really hurts.

Title: Re: am I wrong
Post by: FaithHopeLove on February 14, 2020, 03:57:02 PM
Oh Wambat how horrible it must be to feel guilty about something over which you really have no control. Other than assuring you this is not your fault( Because it really isn't) how else can we support you?

Title: Re: am I wrong
Post by: Huat on February 14, 2020, 11:04:30 PM
Hello Wambat and welcome.

An introduction.....my husband and I are also 75'ish.  Our "challenging child" is now 54 and has given us a run for our money since she first ran away at age 12.  Oh the stories I could tell!  In ensuing years we were surrogate parents to our grandchildren as the drama unfolded between our daughter and each of their fathers.  On top of that, our wallet was always open.  Finally I have gotten to the point where I can say that, while not perfect, we have been (are!) great parents and even greater grandparents.  We tried our best.

I know only too well of the hurtful letters/emails you write about.  I have been the recipient of way too many.

When our daughter outgrew running away, she reverted to cutting us out of her life.....out of the lives of the grandchildren we loved so much.  Currently we are in a period of no-contact......almost 4 years this time.  While some estrangements have been shorter....some have been longer.

I came to this forum about 3 years ago.  I had hit bottom...I was broken.  Putting my fingers on the keyboard and pouring out my heart and my hurts, then getting the support and validation from the others here, really saved my life.

Wambat, your situation is not hopeless.  With that said, it is going to have be YOU who brings about any change.  Your son has set the stage and he keeps calling the shots.  He continues to play his role....you keep accepting yours.  The cycle needs to be broken.

First off you have to work on shedding that feeling of guilt.  With guilt you are forever held hostage.  Did you not do the best you could with/for your son?   When you learned to do better, did you not do better?  What are you guilty of.....not trying?

Many, many times I have asked our daughter to go counselling with us.  As with your son, our daughter has been adamant that will never happen.  So, we went by ourselves and I strongly recommend that for you, too.

I think it was a wise, wise decision of yours not to make that trek through wintery conditions.   Our reflexes at 75 are not what they were years ago.  You could have endangered your lives.....possibly those of your grandchildren.  How wonderful that the ex's fiancé stepped up to the plate.  What a wonderful lesson-in-life this was for your grandchildren.

At 75 we have fewer years ahead of us than we have behind.  When I wake in the morning, I think of my daughter.  Before I go to sleep at night, I think of my daughter.  I am a Mom.  In between those times, though, I have learned to enjoy life.

Hope you find this forum as helpful as I have found it to be, Wambat.  Hope you keep sharing.

(((HUGS))))….from Huat


Title: Re: am I wrong
Post by: wambat on February 15, 2020, 05:18:11 PM
Hello ,
Thank you for your most helpful reply.
You have had a long tough journey for sure.
I was talking to a friend who said finding out through this site and related videos and books that my son has BPD at this stage has been difficult. I wish I had known that years ago because we are now in crisis mode with his terrible injury and trying to literally 'catch up' with the techniques of dealing with BPD.
He has created the crisis in many ways by throwing down the gauntlet with his abusive text and saying he doesn`t need us but in the end my guilt comes from the fact that he will think we don`t care by not maintaining the usual pattern of responding and trying to 'rescue ' him. It is a no win situation as I see it.I feel quite hopeless about it all.His situation with the accident and all seems beyond the 'norm' of trying to work with BPD.It` is like the fire was burning and now b/c of his accident he has thrown the gasoline on the fire. We tried to say on a few occasions that we could not drive the granddaughters that distance in Winter[ actually would never take on the responsibility] - he lives in a dream world where he thinks grandparents can pick up their grandchildren at school etc .All realistic if one lived close or in the same city. It seems to me he has made this condition of driving up there a condition of saying we care[ which we do] but have to keep our limits realistic for us. I realized the BPD can never have empathy for another which he does not. I just wished I had known about BPD several years ago.It all seems a bit hopeless to me.I do see  a therapist for my anxiety and will focus more on  this BPD condition that I have just learned about. he is our only son and always throws that phrase in our faces as if we don`t care.
Thank you for listening. Let`s keep in touch.

Title: Re: am I wrong
Post by: Done-er Stepdad on February 15, 2020, 05:23:33 PM
Wait, so after your own 6 days of bedside sympathizing, someone ELSE then drove his daughter, and he's still complaining?

His 45 year old self got more attention, compassion and bending over backwards extreme effort than 99.9999% of the world ever gets? From what I recall was a wholly self-inflicted snowmobile accident?

This is a good example of:

1) the constant goalpost shifting and lack of gratitude we often face from these people.

2) how our compassion is used against us like a club by these out of control bullies.

Funny story:

When the kid was involuntarily committed, she requested a specific vape, since she couldn't smoke there. Her boyfriend, who also drove 6 hours, had the nerve show up with the wrong vape.

He was dispatched to get the correct one. When he finally got back, visiting hours were over and he then drove 6 hours back home.

Don't be that guy.

Title: Re: am I wrong
Post by: wambat on February 16, 2020, 03:25:35 PM
In answer to Faith Hope and Love - how can you support me. Well everyone who ahs repleid so far have been very helpful and supportive.
I sometimes wonder if my son really has BPD when I think of times he was nice to us. It seems so new to me- this condition and I worried about applying a label -- but he has those symptoms of BPD but only from my reading have I come to this conclusion and the insight of a doctor/ psychologist friend.. At least 5 .
In Randi`s book The Essential Family Guide to BPD she talks about what makes you stuck. Well for me it is a number of things- guilt is always there, the feeling that maybe the nasty things he has said have some truth, and the fear of losing him and never having a family . I do have a wonderful supportive husband and I am grateful. However for mothers it is different- it is the umbilical cord that is never really severed.
I feel like the people in AA who need to call someone right away when that urge to have drink is powerful. My urge is to rescue but I know that will not accomplish anything and besides he already said in his nasty text not to write him anymore with my fancy words.
I was trying to empathize as he does have a lot of things against him- but then many are the result of his own poor choices. I think he is very unhappy with his life and takes it out on us begrudging us travel and having any kind of life. It is a blessing he does live far away but at the same time he is backed up against a wall in terms of seeing his daughters like 'normal' separated/ divorced parents set up as his daughters live 6 hrs away Before his accident he was in mining- fixing heavy equipment. Who knows what he will be able to do now after he heals which won`t be for a year so it is a sad situation but I have to remember they were his choices but when things don`t go his way we are blamed.
Thanks for listening. I am feeling quite in despair but am trying to live my life. The accident as I have said just threw us all into an extreme crisis rather fast and furiously mode beyond just the regular BPD behaviors . But maybe that is exactly where he needs to be.

Title: Re: am I wrong
Post by: Done-er Stepdad on February 16, 2020, 04:31:33 PM
I too am stuck with a crazy person who not only doesn't care how much of our money she burns thru, but is hell bent to do so. Beyond her illness, which I have a lot sympathy for, there is that sense that whatever we have is to be strip mined, just because.

There is def. a punitive aspect to it, some deranged vendetta against us who have done nothing but bail her out and provide for her well being.

2 examples, big and small.

-I wanted her to get on her Dad's health insurance, which would be a third of the $300 a month I pay for her. She refused. I was reluctant to toss her off, since she may have a serious medical problem. We made appointments with specialists. She refused to go to them. So now I'm on the hook for 3 more $300's while we wait for her next specialist appointment. She cares not one one whit.

-When she came over our house at Christmas, she took 2 cans of mixed nuts that we had meant to put out for the family, but forgot. She said we no longer needed them, so she simply tossed them into her bag, along with two blouses of my wife's that she actually fished out of the dryer.

We are being cased constantly. We actually have a lock on our bedroom door to prevent theft of clothes, cosmetics, and her fave, pain medication.

She knows this stuff is wrong to do. She's BPD, not a recent immigrant from Mars. Only we -who have stood by her loyally forever- get this treatment. If it's a boyfriend of the moment, one of her druggy friends, or even her poorer dad, she's very honorable.

So, yeah, Wambat, I agree: a lot of this is simply opportunistic, willful bad behavior and not necessarily BPD-driven.

I hope you take a nice trip for yourself in 2020 and I hope you forget to tell your son before you do so.

Because whenever we go away, there is a ransom/extortion attempt or a made up emergency to punish us for having the nerve to enjoy a little of our life instead of being a drone/slave to her (highly selective) madness.

Title: Re: am I wrong
Post by: FaithHopeLove on February 16, 2020, 04:54:50 PM
Wambat Whether your son has BPD or BPD traits and is or is not in control of his behaviof it is important that you stay out of the "FOG" (fear, obligation and guilt.) Acting out of any of those motives will hurt you and do your son no good.

Title: Re: am I wrong
Post by: Agatha on February 23, 2020, 07:10:57 PM
I just started posting again after a long absence BPD Family.  It is really a lifeline to know that we are not alone.  As parents, we share so many of the same heartaches and have spent years being bullied and heartbroken again and again.  Resolve breaks down and resiliency crumbles.
I have almost wished that our daughter was out of control all the time -she’s not, so it come on like a tornado of rage.  There’s no warning just a slight change in the air and then destruction.
Remember, as we get older, our ability to roll with these punches gets harder.  I want to remind her that she won’t always have parents to kick around but there’s no point because she has zero empathy.  Recognize the behavior for what it is - emotional abuse by chaos. 
Stay safe and out of the FOG