BPDFamily.com

My mother has never had an official evaluation and diagnosis.  I have a wonderful counselor who worked with  me through a terrible divorce and loss of a child, and she is the one who first suggested my mother might be BPD based on what I was telling her.  My mom checks nearly every box.  As children we were on the receiving end of rage over such trivial issues as running the water too fast or putting the milk back a few inches to the right in the fridge.  As an adult I created much space, and ten years ago created even more.  I'm now painfully aware that the abuse she put us through groomed me to accept abuse from my NPD first husband. 

Every interaction is crazy making.  She is still blaming everyone in her past for all of her problems and has run off every friend and relative.  Over the years she has spun out innocent comments by me, my children, my ex-husband, my sibling, you name it.  She has crossed over into fabricating things we have said altogether.  Since I was a small child I have heard her threaten suicide to my father, to me, and to my sibling.  I know she has also made these threats to people outside the family.  My sibling and I have tried many times to encourage her to get professional help, especially after the suicide threats.  The very suggestion enrages her.  She never mentions suicide except when she is weaponizing it to manipulate us or shut us up when we stand up to her.

This week I had to travel to her city because my father is terminal.  I stopped in to see her and although she knew why I was there, and that I am still very much grieving the loss of my child, she went on a rampage accusing me of hating her, stabbing her in the back, wanting her to be wealthy, smarter, prettier, and many other things that were completely without reason.  At the worst time in my life, she made it about her and my alleged mistreatment of her.  I am still stunned and feeling like this was the last straw.  I am still guilty at wanting to cut her off completely, even though her behavior is incredibly hurtful.   After doing some reading on the impact of being the child of someone with BPD, I realized I needed some support.  I look forward to getting some useful tools and absolution.

Hi lakeaffect,

That is so much to deal with, on top of your grieving the loss of one of your children, you should be supported in that, I'm sorry. I can't comprehend dealing with such a tragedy.  :hug:  


Is this what she accuses you of, or is it how you feel?

A good place to start might be in the resources at the top of the board such as the

Survivor to thriver program (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331826.0)

Take it a step at a time.  

It goes without saying that your mother is consumed by her own need for validation of her self worth.  Sadly, for some people with BPD, those coping mechanisms drive those closest to them away,  fulfilling their internal feelings that they don't matter and are unworthy of love.  

I'm sorry your dad is dying. How is your relationship with him?

My heart goes out to you. This is horrible. Please know that you are not alone. Your mother is wrong. I know how deeply the guilt goes and how they groomed us our whole lives to feel guilty. I can relate completely. My mother is BPD and NPD and I'm an only child. She weaponized  suicide threats too as a means of control. Bottom line is - you have to protect yourself and take care of yourself. She's a grown woman and can take of herself. I'm sorry about your dad. We are all here for you. You are going through so much and have so much on your shoulders and you have to deal with her poison at the same time. Have you read "Surviving a Borderline Parent" by Kimberlee Roth? It really has helped me and is incredibly validating.

I want to cut her off completely, but have not told her this - so the guilt is mine at feeling this way about an ill elderly woman with no one in her life.  But over and over I have given her grace, and she just uses the opportunity to hurt me again.



He was not a good father, but we have made our peace and for that I am grateful. 


Thank you BeARiver - I will be finding a copy of this.  I read your story and it sounds so much like mine.