BPDFamily.com

My daughter is 24. was diagnosed with BPD at 16. she can be so lovely to others but for some reason she hates me. I am the only person who has stuck by her. (Her Dad abandoned her). I have had years of emotional abuse from her. She insults me, has attacked me several times. Yet I am the one who has fought for her. I am the one who calls the ambulance when she tries to kill herself. I am there when she wakes up. I'm the one that makes sure that we don't have enough of any medicine in the house to be a lethal dose if she takes them.

I am traumatised by what I've seen, what I've had to do, and the way I have to think.
I can't do it anymore.

Hi and welcome.
We understand the often thanksless job parenting BPD  children are.
I take it your daughter is in therapy ( re: not keeping too much meds in house..)?
That is a good step in the right direction.We learn here that self care is crucial as we are as important as our BPD loved one. Does your environment feel safe at this time ( you mentioned attacks)?
Please write to us again as you are able.

she has a crisis, we go hospital, she gets a referral to appropriate services but she never engages.
She is not under the care of any service. She doesn't take meds. Last time she was on meds she just stockpiled them in order to overdose.

She nearly died last year from an overdose and something in me changed.
I started to resent her. I lost hope that things will ever be better. I realised there is no use in sacrificing myself if it makes no difference. I warned her that I couldn't take all of her emotionally abusive and destructive  behaviour for much longer. But she didn't stop or even try to address the problem.

She started on me again 3 weeks ago and I knew I just was done. I made her move out and said although i wanted to continue a relationship with her, i just wanted to be her mum and I would no longer continue to shield her from the consequence of her actions, and i would no longer allow her to take all her bad feelings out on me.

But my heart is so broken.

Hi Languid-mudflaps

I join Swimmy55 in welcoming you here.

How can your heart not be broken?  You are a Mom.  Believe me, you have come to a place where heads will nod, no matter what you have to share.  Although all our stories differ, we truly know. 

From what you have written, I think you did the right thing in asking her to move out...and you left the door open to a relationship.  She is 24 years old.  If she has the ability to "be so lovely to others" yet verbally abusive to you...she is making choices.  It certainly is time for boundaries to be set in place...time to start looking after YOU. 

I, too, have felt resentment toward my daughter.  Over the years so much time and effort has gone into trying to make things right for her...never enough.   First of all I had to shed the role of being a victim.  The resentment filled me with enough anger to start making changes...setting boundaries. 

At this point my daughter and I do not have a relationship...her choice...not mine.  I'm okay with that.  The future might just bring some pleasant surprises...but might not.  I still feel the tug of those heart strings but I also feel confident in knowing I did the best I could...have always tried to do better when I knew better...will continue to do so.   I'll bet you can say the same.

Have you ever had the opportunity to go to counselling for yourself...spoken to someone who is familiar with BPD?

For sure you have taken a very positive step by joining this community.  For me, just being able to "unload" was a weight off my shoulders.  My feelings have been validated.  I have not felt judged.

Languid-mudflaps, I urge you to keep sharing...get familiar with this website and its wealth of information...with links to even more.  There are no immediate fixes to the problems we face but just knowing others are slogging along on the same journey can help in putting one foot in front of the other...even though baby-steps...progress towards better tomorrows.

Huat

Yep to what Huat posted.  You are doing the right thing.  Whenever you have time, click on my name and read my posts, too. I get it, as do others here as well...we are here for you.

I asked her round for dinner. She was here less than 10 mins and got very angry because I had moved some of her things around. She said she felt violated. Accused me of only asking her to come round so she would see that and be annoyed. Then she left.I did apologise for touching her things.
Then we had an argument via email. which admittedly is stupid and i should not engage but I'm fed up of being insulted and told I'm a bad person and not defending myself. The EUPD seems really prominent in her thinking, beliefs and behaviour at the moment. She just thinks I'm insulting her when I mention it.

 But I can't do this anymore. It's been nearly 10 years. My door is open if she wants me but I can't keep trying. The chaos and twisting everything to make it bad, and the hate she has for me. It hurts so much. I just want my daughter back.

Hi languid-mudflaps - I love the name

I am sorry for your intense pain, I posted above you in the list because of some of my own issues I hope it doesn't sound wrong because I also used 'broken' in the title.

Anyway I wanted to just empathize, the feelings can be so intense, hurt pain and regrets, and sadness for your child along with intense need to set boundaries and not be treated badly! 

I think it is very healthy for your dd when you can gently (or even not so gently) set boundaries around how you are willing to be treated.  If she does start treating you with respect you will be able to genuinely be happy to see her and feel genuine warmth towards her and that is probably somethign she craves.

Setting temporary boundaries might work best, or even just asserting that you don't accept a behavior even without doing anything specific about it.  Like, "I don't accept how you spoke to me, but I am sorry that you feel so badly.  I love you and I hope you feel better" sort of message.

Good luck, and please take care of yourself and get any help you need - that will help both you and your daughter!