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Title: I’m just as bad Post by: paperinkart on March 25, 2020, 02:29:49 AM Hey everyone.
Another post from me- sorry for so many. It’s been a trying time for everyone around here. I just feel like I don’t know where else to turn every time things go wrong. My uBPD partner just came back home from 7 months away working. We don’t live together. The last 3 days have been a complete nightmare. He is getting SO angry with me- angrier than he has ever been before and his behaviour is just out of control. We were having SUCH a fun night tonight. We had a few drinks, it was a blast. I decided to run home just to feed my cats and he got so upset that I “kidnapped him and changed our plans”. After we got back to his home, he told me I had to leave. He wouldn’t look at me, would barely talk to me. Everything changed in a second. I was so flabbergasted and so angry. I left but unfortunately, I couldn’t stop myself from sending some messages. You guys, I’m just as bad. When I get angry with him, it’s like everything in me boils over and I can’t see straight. I can’t stop myself from saying the worst things. I hate myself for it. I can’t see him without BPD anymore. I used to think they were two separate people (him with and without BPD). I even self-harmed (not new for me) because I couldn’t process the anger. I blame him for having such strong BPD traits and I do the exact same things. I am such a hypocrite. Anyway, after I got home, I stupidly realized what probably happened. I left my “Loving Someone With BPD” book on my nightstand. I obviously didn’t expect him to come over or I would have put it away. I messed up (again) and I feel so ashamed. We’ve obviously talked about the possibility of him having it before, but I would feel terrible if someone had a book on my disorders just casually reading. I don’t know what to do to be better for each other. I hate feeling like I’m just as out of control as he is. I’ve been trying so, so hard to control my emotions and react differently. But I just feel like I’m not getting anywhere and every fight we have makes it feel more and more hopeless. Please tell me I’m not alone? Please tell me I can fix this? |