BPDFamily.com

I am not sure if my daughter has BPD but I have been reading about this disorder and it seems to fit. I seldom know what provoked her but she exits family relationships, often referring to them as toxic. Something that I could say to any of my other children will cause her to not talk to me for months.
I catch myself wondering what kind of a person just divorces their mother like that and of course I self reflect and wonder if I caused such damage.
Reading about BOD has been helpful as I have learned to look at the situation with compassion. However I am tormented by how she holds all of the control and that makes me angry and sad.

I decided to post because I feel so alone in this and too much self reflection is sometimes not productive or healthy. I have recommended or asked her other family members to read about BPD and there seems to be no interest, which leads me to wonder if I am just trying to package this for self validation purposes. Thus I am reaching out to this community to test my reasoning, for some form of validation, or a better understanding of what my role in all of this is. I am likely going to start meeting with a therapist as I know I will need help navigating this relationship when she decides that she will start talking to me.

Welcoming you, Enduranz :hi:

So, so sorry to read about the hurtful relationship you have with your one daughter.   My daughter has "divorced" from me...a number of times.  I do know the pain that can cause in a Mom.

It sounds like she is not your only child, you have others...the relationships you share with them are better?  That would be a good thing.

I read in your post that you are just suspecting BPD to be a problem for your daughter...no official diagnosis.  That is the case for a number of us here, me included.  The check marks are there giving me the incentive to learn about the disorder, learn how to better communicate with her (that is, when she is open to communicating)….and how to look after me.

You write..."I am tormented by how she holds all of the control."  Think about this, Enduranz.  She can't take control of you unless you give it over to her.   She takes on the role of bully...you take on the role of her victim.  There is no reason for her to change...so all up to you to start the process.  Believe me, that takes work and nothing happens overnight...but it can happen.  You have hit upon a goldmine of information in this website...with links to more. 

You admit to a feeling of guilt in that YOU may have caused her to be the way she is.  All of us are a product of our upbringing...our environment...and each of us born with our own unique ways in which to handle life.  Nature/Nurture.  I ask you...did you do the best you could with/for her...with/for each of your children?  When you found a way to do something better, did you?  I'm pretty sure as a loving Mom you did.  The longer you burden yourself with guilt...the longer she will be in control.

It is nice to read that you are thinking of going to see a counsellor.  Great move!   It would be important to find someone who has been trained to recognize the traits of BPD, them then being better able to help you move forward.

So, while each of our situations here are different, the common denominator is our feelings of hurt...the feelings of being alone.  The goal in this forum is to learn to heal the hurt in ourselves...take comfort in knowing we are not alone...and...help others to do the same.

What with the current world-crisis we are all living through, there is all the more time to sit and think.  We can allow ourselves to be bombarded with so much doom/gloom...all the while helping to darken our thoughts.  I made the decision to only listen/read 1 update a day...and that from a a source I know to be reliable.  I no longer open up any of those Forwards that show up in my Inbox...the Forwards that have been passed down through countless addresses...the contents claiming to come from one renowned university or another, a top scientist, a specialist doctor.  Nope!  Not for me anymore!

Once again welcoming you, Enduranz.  Hope you keep sharing.  Wish for you (and for all of us!) much brighter days  *) ahead.

Huat