BPDFamily.com

Today marks a day I feel like I have lost any touch with the solid ground. Ubpdh has been mostly splitting, brooding or fuming over day to day things. Earlier he got a high maintenance working breed to guard him and intimidate people. Which was a full time project that occupied his time. He stopped working, other then 1-2 hrs per day and began to watch his “end of the world as we know it videos”. I won’t go into the details and description, but majority of them are narrating the collapse of the financial system, second Great Depression and eventual riots collapse of the world order. He is mostly withdrawn, doesn’t speak much, when he does it’s usually sarcastic or critical remark that is targeting emotional vulnerability. There was a home Reno project which he decided to abandon mid way, because he was angry with me. The following morning he demanded I make the decision relating to the said project, which I didn’t want to do, as I anticipated the push back and the blame if it went wrong. True to his form, as other people began to criticize the look of the Reno project he began to blame me for the outcome. Typical blame misplacing. Today marked more then a week of the silent treatment, which was only broken by blame and insults. I lost it in the kitchen. I began to scream, why are you doing this, I am a human being, you can’t treat me this way. My mother intertwined and said the following: “stop trying to get his attention, don’t you see it? He doesn’t love you and doesn’t want to be with you.” To which he started saying “listen to your mother, she apparently knows more then anyone.” He cried and pleaded with him for the next 4 hrs, asking him to come back to bed, start talking to me, stop withholding information and financial resources from the children. To which he showed me messages of him telling that he wanted out of his partnership and is meeting tomorrow to discuss the exit from the company and the partner he has been with for a while. This is the last straw of security and semblance of normal. Unemployed, dysregulated and depressed, he doesn’t want to see the things improve. They don’t validate the end of the world vision he adopted. My parents are telling me that he is not only borderline but also schizophrenic,  He has this empty glossy gaze into nothing.

Hi snowglobe,

 :hug:  I don’t post often on others threads because let’s face it, my life is in shambles at the moment. I had to reread this as it was so reminiscent of my H and situation that I wanted to make sure it wasn’t me!

It’s so much easier to see what someone else should do, but so much harder to see for  ourselves.

I just want you to know you’re not alone. I know how scary this is, but you deserve better. I’ll check in on you but feel free to reach out if you want to chat. More  :hug:

Snowglobe- sorry you are dealing with this. It's not really new though, is it? It seems like an escalation of the issues you have been dealing with. The pandemic has created stresses for everyone, but for people who manage stress in dysfunctional ways- stress escalates those behaviors.

The long standing pattern of depending on your H, who is unstable, for the security of your family links your security to his moods.

These are not easy choices. Every choice can have consequences, and some benefits. Staying with this man has brought some economic security to your family, but he's in the driver's seat when it comes to that, and his moods are paramount.

Going out on your own might give you some direction over your environment, but that also risks difficult finances and I know you want your children to have some security that you don't feel you can provide for them. Also, even in the event you separate, he is still their father and will be in contact with you. But you could have your own place and have some peace there too.

Staying, working on your degree and independence emotionally, getting a job, letting the children get a bit older so that they are more independent themselves are also choices. There are ways to help cope with the chaos- counseling ( is available remotely as are 12 step groups now) might be feasable.

Nobody here can tell you what choice is best for you. They are difficult ones but so is not taking steps for change. Sometimes we choose the familiar. You know the results of what you have been doing. A change is the unknown. It's scary, and people only do that when and if they are ready. I wish you strength whatever you choice is.

Hi UBPDhelp, I also read your posts and saw just how similar or cases were. Withdrawn and disregulating partners, no security and minor dependents to think of. When I think about my husband being 25% of the family yet consuming 99% of attention I get startled. Last night I had Sergio migraine and my body was periodically shaking in convulsions. Seemed like the attack of the nerves, my anxiety and fear for what is to come is overtaking. I would love to chat with you.

Wendy, thank you for your reply, my brain is fighting the reality. I want to believe that there is hope and he will turn the corner. Today he will be meeting with his partner to dissolve an over decade long partnership. Which will come at the cost of the stability and security.

Hi snowglobe,

My H has been increasingly dysregulated the last year, uptick starting 5-7 years ago, but past year by far the worst. Just before pandemic he left for four days because I refused to discuss my past (30 years ago) with him any longer. It’s not that we never discussed, quite the contrary. Anyway when he came back, he said he quit his job (also a partnership) and I had used tools to validate him withOUT discussing my past, which he thought he won so he said he rescinded dissolving the partnership.

Thing is, I don’t believe he ever dissolved it. I believe he said he did to scare/manipulate/control me BECAUSE I believe he is a full on narcissist (I always thought he had tendencies — I remember many times going out with him and he was always checking himself in the mirror so many times, so many).  A narcissist would never grovel for his job back, IMO.

BUT, I also believe 1000% he would do it. He’s told me he doesn’t like me to be stable. You know what?  Stepping back from the relationship has allowed me to see he has been telling me by word AND by action that I am nothing but a tool to manipulate to provide temporary relief from what is missing in him. I was too afraid or in denial.

The last five years our older two were in college. I put up with a lot of sh!t because I feared he would pull funding for them. I was without a great job and then recently without any job. This was terrifying, especially now.

But I got a job and feel less like I need to put up with his behavior. I did this for me and my kids (geesh, took me long enough).

And agree with notwendy, inaction is also a choice. That said, I can only speak from my experience. I semi-consciously made a choice to get my older two through college. I thought he might even be less stressed upon their graduations and his behavior would improve. It got worse.

My younger two have a few years before they go, so time to regroup.

So, behind the scenes I made plans. Backup plans and backup plans to my backup plans.

I needed a job (tough right now), I needed to get my credit cleaned up so I could secure housing (almost done), gathered important docs, call with L (soon) to simply understand rights/process.

I’ve been looking at where to live (our town is too expensive), getting mementos together (sentimental value). And, for me, a mental list of things I don’t need to fight over — furniture, dishes, etc.

And what other options.

I’ve looked at what my finances would look like...I don’t need everything. I need PEACE. I figured out what I need to survive, what would make it better and looked into what kind of support I could get from H.

The details have fluctuated, but something about putting the plan together — whether I ever implement it — made me feel more in control and a bit less scary.

So, deep breaths. Think about if doing so would be helpful to your emotional well being. Whatever you do, DON’T have the list where H can find it.

One thing I did, that is maybe a bit wonky, is a set up an email account in a fake name (combo of my deceased parents’ names) and I email my plans, journals of H behavior to this email account. I delete the sent email from my regular email account because it’s in the inbox of my other email. No one knows this other email exists but me, but it makes it super easy to keep a journal/record that isn’t exposed. I hope that makes sense. Just a thought.

Regardless, deep breaths.  Take care of yourself and keep us all in the loop. The others here are so much better at guiding.   :hug: