BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone, first time doing this. I recently, started therapy and was told that my wife may have BPD. I started reading about it and it seems spot on. I bought the book “Stop walking on eggshells”.  It has good info, but reading it just overwhelms me. It’s like my therapist said, “You would prefer to walk through a park and not a minefield.” Being with my wife is like a walk through a minefield. I would have have left my wife years ago, but we have 2 wonderful children and I don’t see a strong possibly of co-parenting apart in a healthy manner for many reasons. One of my biggest concerns is how her behavior affects our children. As they get older they understand more and are seeming to suffer the same things that I do when interacting with their mother. I hope to find some grounding in this group as my wife has alienated me from my friends and family. I am learning not to blame her and see her actions for what it is, while learning self preservation. At the end of the day, life is already tough and being in a BPD type relationship is tiring. It helps to know that this is finite and this cannot go on forever. At the least, I have to get through another decade, preserving my self worth, trying to grow, and do what I can to raise healthy kids. Thanks for listening and looking forward to interacting with the people here who may have similar stories to my own.

Hi Helpfuldad13,

Welcome and hello. How old are the kids? It's painful to see how BPD behaviors (not to mention codependence  :() affect our kids.

What are some of the things you're starting to see them suffer?

What behaviors concern you the most? When you see the kids hurting, how do you respond there

Maybe we can start there.  |iiii

Kids are 7 and 11. They are great but my younger one seems to be absorbing some of his mothers poor attitude. He gets so discouraged so easily and then goes on to a say he is the worst, etc. 
Mom also has accused them of ill intent when they are with me and without consulting me she takes what evidently she sees and concludes to the worst. It frustrates the kids because they feel indignant but powerless. I stand by and watch and when she’s gone I try to console them. When I have interjected in the past she attacks me and disregards me as their lawyer.
It’s really hard trying to work with mom. I feel like approaching BPD type person you have to love the person and really want to be there. I often feel like giving up. Mom has few attractive qualities for me. I love my kids and want to be there for them, so I refuse to leave. But it is hard to keep this up. I’ve made it this far, but I fear that the BPD qualities are getting worse as time passes. But hopefully understanding what BPD is I won’t feed the beast any more.

i feel for you .I just read the book and had the same feeling after the 1st few chapters, I somehow stuck out 20 years and I am a shell of a man right now. I waited and waited for her to mature but her behavior  never changed only grew more  bizarre especially in the more challenging seasons of life - she always bailed out  . You will need normal healthy friendships outside your marriage to keep you grounded and allow deeper conversations . a men's group in church was my biggest source of wisdom and help. If you want to ride it out you will need all the tools you can get , lots of prayer time and down time away from her  and you cant take things personnel especially the vicious word attacks and assaults . But the kids - her behavior can be very damaging I know 1st hand from my stepson who took direct attacks and to this day at 27 deals with anger issues .

I would echo BDR's advice as I too am approaching 20 years of this.

Without external healthy relationships you are in danger of withering into a shell, of not knowing up from down, of being caught in that cycle of self-doubt wondering whether you aren't crazy or the bad guy.

I have neglected external healthy relationships but have found consolation focusing on hobbies that are emotionally and intellectually rewarding. I also do outside activities to clear my mind often.

Edit: Having a good caring therapist has been a life-saver for me, and has filled the gap for my lack of other relationships.

The real danger for me not having those healthy relationships is that I no longer know what is normal or healthy anymore. I can't see clearly how good they can be, and how much happier and stronger I could become by escaping the toxic emotional fumes.

Most of the brave souls on this forum who managed to divorce do testify how much better life is, but many went through hell to get to that point. Fear is what kept me from divorcing for the last eight years or so. Now I am in a sort of stalemate where we both agree divorce is best, but the burden is on me to do it.

Honestly I think people in our situation need to keep talking to the people who did divorce, then focus on their story after the dust settled to see how it improved their emotional health and their relationship to their children. We need hope and clarity.

It is also very important to heed their advice about never jumping into relationships immediately after a divorce. Our focus should be on self-care, self-improvement, and becoming whole to empower us to be the strongest and best parent to our children who are directly wounded by the divorce and the dysfunction that preceded it.

Wish I had more answers but that's where I am at!

That's good stuff . Much of the advice out there  is about finding who you were before the relationship .The way I view it is I don't want to be that guy anymore he got me into this mess, but he or she  needs to be accepted and  loved - that will bring true healing.  In reality we are now a new person ! a person who has been through much and have learned how to love the unlovable , how to give and sacrifice  until it hurts with many times little in return . That my brothers is someone to get to know better because the world needs more men like that - selfless.