BPDFamily.com

Hi all! I recently left stbxBPDh and I am staying with family. Does anyone foresee a problem with me securing an apartment prior to filing for divorce? StbxBPDh is still in the house which is only in my name. I am the breadwinner and I am paying the mortgage while this unfolds, and I’m hoping to eventually sell it.

First, let me ask whether you have our highly recommended handbook to prepare you for the future, William Eddy's Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.  It guides you through what to say and not say in court, how to select a proactive lawyer, how courts typically work, what your priorities should be, especially if you have children, the benefits of counselors, quick psych evals and in-depth custody evals, issues when splitting assets, etc.

If you haven't consulted a few experienced and proactive lawyers yet to get a reasonable sense of where you stand, that would be good to do now.  Not just any lawyer will do.  Some just file forms and hold hands.  You need one experienced with negotiating, intense court appearances and a lot of practical strategies.

Good that the residence is only in your name.  You may still need his signature somewhere or guidance from the court to do what you want, such as sell your house.  Sounds like your stbEx is a skilled moocher?  Odds are the marriage is not long enough for a court to order long term alimony, but it might order some short term spousal support or alimony to aid him to transition from married life to post-divorce life.  This is where we cue the background music "get off your duff and get to work".  He will resist it of course but that is the theme you ought to get mentioned at every single court hearing.

You never let him adopt your daughter, right?  Then odds are the court will not be inclined to grant him parenting time.

You will probably have a hard time getting him out of the house.  A local lawyer can advise you on how your state's court would handle it.  Whatever else, never ever state that you consider him disabled or unable to work in case that would gain him added status or benefits in your divorce.  He is an adult, that is his responsibility, not yours.  Helping him could mean the opposite for you, sabotaging yourself.

The only concern I might have about you getting an apartment is whether your local lawyer would advise you to get him to move out first so you could return and reside in your house.  If you get a more permanent residence than where you are now then he would at least conclude you've become settled elsewhere so why should he move?  A lawyer may advise it makes lawyer's job a little tougher.

In summary, what advice have you gotten from local family law lawyers?  Are you thinking that selling the house is the least distressing way to facilitate the unwinding of the marriage and him out of your life?

From a psychological standpoint, I would recommend it. It gives you a great space with some peace so you can begin to heal. I set up a rental home before I finally told my stbx that I was leaving for good. It made it so much easier--especially because he didn't know where it was at first and it's in a gated community. It also sends the message that you are serious. The two times I left before and moved in with relatives, he was able to persuade me to come home.

I ended up giving up the marital home--it wasn't the hill I wanted to die on and it seemed to be for him. It made it much easier knowing that I had something already set up for my girls and me.

My lawyer (CA) told me it didn't matter if I moved out first and then wanted to claim the house. She actually recommended me leaving the marital home because he has no right to come into my personal rental home, but he could always come back into the marital home until the divorce was final.

Good luck!