BPDFamily.com

Hello,
Some background, my husband has BPD as well as several of the other illnesses commonly associated with BPD and enduring an abusive childhood. We've been together for about 20 years. He is on meds but will not go to therapy.

I was wondering if anyone has had any success in writing to their spouse about issues rather than verbal communication?

One of my husband's triggers is anything that smacks of the old "we need to talk" phrase, no matter how many affirming statements proceed it. If he senses a pending deep discussion he totally shuts down, physically barricading himself into a corner and avoiding eye contact. He responds as minimally as possible, usually just statements like "I don't know," and will do just about anything to get out of the conversation as quickly as possible, which means nothing every really gets resolved.
I have noticed he is slightly more comfortable with writing to me when he has something uncomfortable to say to me, so I am hopeful this may be something worth trying. Has anyone here tried this? Has it worked better for you?

I think writing is superior in many ways. I am in a similar situation. I think the problem is: (1) people who are BP or have BP-like symptoms are so quick in their reactions and (2) their reactions are so unusual and unexpected that we don't have models in our minds to help us implement strategies that we usually don't have to think about.

So, I think you should try writing. With writing you can ask your spouse to read the whole thing and they can't start yelling at the page or anything like that. I am trying it now and I think it helps, but keep in mind you still need a strategy in your writing like in some of the books, otherwise it could backfire and be used against you and make you even more confused.

Hi AZ

it's possible writing could be helpful.

I guess I would want to know what is my motivation.   My person w BPD does not want that topic brought up, bpd, it comes across as something is wrong.
I have come to realize I can't fix anyone, and at best, I can change, with much work, daily reinforcement and I am still not where I want to be. 
when I have something difficult to share, it needs to be the right time, and am I pointing fingers.
I read the St Francis prayer often and reinforce those thoughts within myself.

Thank you for your kind words. I struggle with the same thing, and it brings me a lot of peace, eventually, to know I can't change him, I can only control me.

I do try to pick my battles, in this particular case, it's about our budget. I have always paid all of the major bills, but over time I have ended up taking on almost of the minor as well while his income is spent on impulse buys. (We both have decent jobs, mine slightly higher paying than his.) I understand why he spends as he does, and I don't want to try to control all of his spending, but I do need him to contribute something. I can keep us afloat, but I don't have enough to save for big ticket items, like the new roof or AC our house will eventually need.

I have tried coming at the subject a few different ways and he always agrees to "do better" but nothing ever happens and we never get down to discussing specifics because he shuts down long before that point. That's why I was hopeful for writing because maybe that way I can at least get a concrete plan in place. I was thinking of suggesting 30% of his income to be direct deposited into an account I control. That way I get the help I need, we keep the roof from literally falling on our heads, and I don't have to scream into pillows every time he buys a new upgrade to his gaming computer.

I am new here too. I am in no way knowledgeable enough to give you any advice as I am here too, to seek help with problems. But I would like to tell you that I would prefer to write, sometimes, instead of talk because I can clearly say what I need to say without being upset, interrupted or intimidated. The subject cannot be changed or steered to something else before you are able to get your point across and it's easier for me to stay on track. Once I am intimidated, I can no longer have an effective conversation and my emotions start coming in to play, which usually results in disaster. My BPD does not like it when I write, usually via text, because if I have a problem, she thinks it needs to be done face to face. But I have noticed that the only way I can drag anything out of her when she is upset, is when I text and ask. She very rarely tells me to my face, she only says "nothing" when I ask what is wrong. Just make sure that you are very clear on what you are saying and clarify anything that could be misinterpreted or taken the wrong way or taken out of context. My communication skills are not so good with my BPD but I am hoping to learn more from the posts on this site. I have spent a few hours reading posts on this site and the comments and replys to those posts. We all have something in common that is pretty tough to deal with. It's nice to know there is a place to vent and receive support.