BPDFamily.com

My daughter is 21 and has been diagnosed with depression, body dysmorphic disorder, anxiety and BPD. She had electroshock therapy that helped with depression. But she won't get therapy and has gone off all meds. She was hospitalized 6 times last year. We have done everything in our power to support her and get her through school but she will barely interact with my husband or me because she says we cause her severe anxiety (even though we have paid her tuitions and living expenses.) We barely speak to her because we don't want to cause her more anxiety and she only calls us when she is in trouble or needs something. She has a very dysfunctional relationship with a boyfriend and they have each been arrested for domestic assault. I'm at my wit's end and terrified for her. Now her boyfriend has covid and she wants to travel to his family's house to help take care of him but his family hates her, and I doubt his mom would let her in the house. So she is asking us to pay for a plane ticket and a hotel room. When we say no, she will absolutely scream and rant and tell us how awful we are and that she hates us and never wants to see us again. My heart is breaking. Help please.

I feel you so much. My boyfriend's son is in the same condition, too. We have paid tuition and living expenses, but he always says talking about money with us is hard because we're poor. Other than that, he refuses therapy, too. He had two violations.

We cannot convince him to therapy. We tried but he quit twice (before learning the diagnosis himself). I talk to a therapist every week on how we should behave and my boyfriend has his own therapist, too. The thing is both therapists insist that "If he doesn't want to have any therapy, you cannot do anything about it". I feel so helpless about it, too. I'm scared for him and of him. My boyfriend insisted and insisted despite the suggestions, he finally surrendered. We were hopeful but he quit yet again. So, we are also lost.

Another suggestion of our therapist is to stand our ground. Draw boundaries with thick lines. Our boundaries have been crossed so many times, they're just a passageway at this point. We're still trying to find a balance. Everyday is a mine field.

I'm not in a position to give suggestions and if I had a success story, I'd share it with gusto but suggestions given to us are "Stand your ground" and "You cannot do much about the convincing". We're still hoping they will work. Every case is different, so I don't knowhow she'll react to standing your ground except anger. I wish there was a magic formula about it. 

I wasn't able to help much but I wanted to say I completely understand the wrenching feeling in your heart.

Good luck standing your ground.

Thank you so much for responding. Our daughter saw a very good psychiatrist at one point who helped with the depression, but regarding the BPD, she said the same thing: we can't force her to get therapy. She has to want to do the work.

I hope both of these young adults someday find their way to therapy and happier lives - for their sake and ours. It's just so scary/frustrating/stressful now.

You said you have done all you can and it sounds like you have. When I get to. that point with my son I just let it go. Drama may ensue but I don't need to be part of it.. You are right to say no.to.unreasonable demands

I agree with what has been already said.  Another thing that helps me to keep with the boundary is to write down what would happen to me, my BPD son if I carried through with his wish.  Write it all down, how you'd feel, what it would ultimately accomplish for you, for her, how you can't afford it, what you can do with the money instead.   Getting it out of my head and down on paper provides a lot of clarity and gives me strength to own my "no".