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Title: Co-dependency, boundaries, and where to start Post by: curious quandary on July 12, 2020, 08:41:07 PM Hello! I am glad that this forum exists. I have felt so alone in this for a long time. Until recently, my sister was the only person I could talk to. I have been talking with a therapist for the past 4 months; she's been very helpful.
I'm middle aged and I live with, and financially support, my retired and undiagnosed BPD mother (uBPDm?), who also suffers from depression. I am exhausted and at times at wits end, especially when considering the fact that I've been working from home since March. I have read several books on BPD and emotions, but reading about BPD and actually implementing the strategies are two different things. I have anxiety, am emotionally numbed, and struggle with co-dependency. I have begun to wrap my head around why this is the case, thanks to my T. The next big step is to start setting boundaries. I've been inconsistent in the past because I haven't concretely defined what the boundaries want to look like, determined how to enforce them, and learned how not to let fear overcome me during pushback (anger, FOG, manipulation, etc.). Possible categories: Money – asking me to lend money practically every month (which is paid back), pressured me to take out a sizeable loan (also being paid back), requesting for me to buy items Space – taking food off my plate (rare), straightening up my room (also rare), needing to know where I am or where I'm going Emotions – telling me not to be angry, discounting my feelings Control - micro-managing, criticizing Time – drop everything and help right now, frequency of requests, % time spent doing things she needs vs things I need/enjoy I know that I can't change her and that boundaries are more about what I will and won't do/tolerate. I'm not entirely sure where to start. Does anyone have suggestions? Where do I start? I think that Time category is the most frustrating at the moment. I need to carve more time out for myself. Well-defined boundaries are easier to manage. It feels too rigid though to schedule time for myself. But assessing each request one by one leaves me open to being worn down by the shear volume of requests, and doesn't send a clear and consistent message, especially when I cave often. Title: Re: Co-dependency, boundaries, and where to start Post by: Harri on July 12, 2020, 11:53:54 PM Hi and welcome! Glad you found us.
uBPDm is correct! |iiii So it sounds like you want to establish boundaries around your time. We can help you navigate how you want to handle that. |iiii Here, we talk about boundaries in terms of personal values and then structure our boundaries around that. Basing a boundary on a personal value helps us be consistent and really conscious of our values in terms of how we want to be treated and how we treat others. So if you had to write a value statement about your personal time (I think of it as emotional space as well) what would it sound like? Here are a couple of articles that might help: Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits (https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries) Boundaries and Values (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0) Let's figure this out :) Title: Re: Co-dependency, boundaries, and where to start Post by: curious quandary on July 13, 2020, 06:32:14 AM Thank you Harri for your reply! I'm working through the two posts you listed. Here is what I have so far.
Values tied to time (emotional boundaries): -health - having time to relax and have fun is critical to self-care and my mental health. Having time to exercise is important for both my physical and mental health. -respect - making my needs/time a priority shows self-respect. Others are showing respect for me when they ask for help in a polite way and recognize that it's fair to wait for me to assist them, instead of demanding that I drop what I'm doing. -independence - being able to do things by myself and with my friends allows me to be an individual. It makes me feel like I have some say in my life. ~~~~~~ workshop questions~~~~~~ Core Values Integrity - do what's right Respect - treat people well Determination - stick with it Curiosity - learn all the things! Simplicity - less is more Self-reliance - be able to do it yourself Quality - do things well Do I know which values are important to maintain my independence, autonomy, safety? Respect for myself, determination to enforce boundaries in spite of pushback and missteps, being able to rely on myself but also having an external support structure in place to help guide me. Do I know which values need to be yielded and compromised in order to have a relationship? Solitude. Stability. Letting go of control and my attempts at trying to prevent the emotional rollercoaster. What are legitimate / fair values (vs selfish values)? Expecting respect from others and not doing something that compromises my integrity are legitimate. Solitude and self-reliance 100% of the time won't work in a relationship. Expecting others to change won't work either. Do I know how to set limits in a constructive loving way? Not sure. Not sure if SET will work. Wait for a calm and rational moment. Explain value and clearly define the associated boundary. Explain the consequences? How do I know the tricks and traps? (what not to do)? Don't set boundaries that will succeed/fail based solely on another person. Set boundaries around what I will and won't do. Don't get sucked into the FOG. Don't escalate, don't demand, don't punish. How do I handle it if someone is upset or hurt by my values/boundaries? I have compromised my values in the past and felt absolutely horrible. I have been inconsistent with enforcing boundaries. I should clearly define them, figure out how to enforce them, communicate them, and plan for the pushback. How do I reestablish a value that I failed to protect in the past? Don't get angry with myself. Analyze what went wrong and what to do in the future. Wait for a calm moment. Reiterate boundary. How do I respond when someone is trying to violate or test my value/boundaries? Calmly explain that this is not acceptable and enforce, if needed. Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider defending boundaries? I'm afraid of anger-lots of past history there. I get over the top anxious. I have internalized guilt and don't believe that my setting boundaries is reasonable. |