BPDFamily.com

I’m not sure if anyone posts here but might as well try. How do I fully remove myself from this relationship, why can’t I leave her alone and why won’t she leave me alone. 1 year of heaven, 1 year of purgatory and 2 years of nonstop heaven and hell. I know the issue, I know the answer but I just can’t seem to let go of the ideal of her, no matter how badly we hurt each other. Sober for 22 years but this is more torment than I ever experienced drinking and drugging.

Hi shocked, I'm sorry you're in so much anguish.

What's going on with your relationship currently that makes you feel like it's heaven/hell?

Have you read about trauma bonds? They can be a very powerful form of attachment that is hard to let go of...ironically the damaging relationships can be more "addictive" than the healthy ones.

Tell us more about what you're going through...

Hi Shocked
It's horrible isn't it, the battle between your logical brain and your heart.
How long has it been since the break up?

I think that being with someone with BPD is the best drug.  And the best drug has the worst comedown.  You are in withdrawal.   

Be kind to yourself and know that you are not alone.  The folks on here are very supportive, the more I read, the more I can relate and it helps.   

I found reading "Ten beliefs that can get you stuck" really helpful, and I read it again whenever I feel myself slipping.

Hi Shocked,
Sorry you are feeling this way. I have been no contact for 8 weeks now and I am finding it difficult to accept that I will never see him again - even though I am aware that life is calmer and happier now. In my case, he could be really lovely, funny and interesting - but when it was bad, it was awful. I miss the good times though.
Your post really resonates with me and I hope others who have managed to detach themselves will give you good advice. This is really difficult. Take care of yourself

Thank you so much for the replies and the support!  I haven’t been perfect in the relationship, by any stretch, but I was good to her. Better to her than her ex and better than I was to my ex, who deserved better. Yes, we got together under the wrong circumstances but it was SO perfect until it wasn’t. She’s much younger, we both suffer from abandonment issues, but I just don’t understand the push-pull and her utter inability to be accountable for her part. The circular arguments, the double standards and the constant shift of blame. But as my AA sponsor says, “What’s your part in it?”  My part is hoping she’ll change, calm down, be consistent, accept my faults and help repair. But it never happens and I keep going back for more. The trauma bond is REAL and it’s awful. I’ve sworn her off and meant it a thousand times, just like I did with the Miller Lite for a decade.

People with BPD are generally highly sensitive to anything that feels like rejection to them. You may not have any idea what triggered the feelings of rejection. But to pwBPD (people with BPD) feelings=facts. They also generally have trouble comprehending that a feeling can originate within themselves so they will look for an external cause for the feeling. If she feels rejected, then there must be something that caused her to feel that way.

A pwBPD will push away their partner when they feel rejected or abandoned. It's an action fueled by emotion, and when the emotions change the "pull" part of the cycle starts.
 
As for not seeing her part in it, that may be due to toxic shame. PwBPD usually have a very low self image, and they generally believe in a negative core message that tells them they are "bad" or "unlovable". Owning their part in relationship issues is very hard for them because it triggers shame which is intolerable. It isn't just a shortcoming, or a personality trait, or a character flaw to them, it's an extreme "I'm completely bad/wrong/unlovable" view  of themselves.

Here is a discussion on push/pull behavior:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=99725.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=99725.0)

And one on emotional immaturity:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=60935.0 (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=60935.0)


The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. You can hope that she will change, but you only have control over changing your own actions.