Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: Jillery on August 24, 2020, 03:51:23 AM

Title: Ending a 4 yr relationship. Last and final breakup (I hope).
Post by: Jillery on August 24, 2020, 03:51:23 AM
Hello everyone, I'm back again.  I last posted in May 2019 saying my partner had come back after our 2nd breakup and I was pulled right back in.  I just ended things a week ago and feel like this may just be the end.  Since I last posted, I enforced a lot of boundaries with him and in some ways things had improved.  Our relationship shifted from me being afraid to lose him, to him being afraid to lose me.  I began to voice my frustrations and he did become better about talking things through vs just breaking up.  But the river of lies beneath us was still gurgling and I still hadn't brought most of them up to him.  He thought things were great and I knew this was all going to bubble up eventually.  I didn't have the strength to bring up any old issues/lies for fear of rocking the boat.  But I also didn't panic at the idea of losing him.  I think he could feel that and was mostly on his best behavior.  Last week we went on our first real vacation in 4 years of dating.  It started out great but one morning he woke up in a bad mood and the whole day was him lashing out at me for stupid things.  This is a vacation I've been going on with my daughter every year for the past 12 years.  This time around I found myself crying in the shower while he slept.  My daughter was scheduled to visit us there but we weren't sure when.  After I came out of the shower, he was in bed and I thought he was sleeping.  I got in bed and he started in the fight again.  I would almost fall asleep and he would keep going.  Arguing like a 5 yr old, talking over me etc.  It was the worst fight we've head, I raised my voice for the first time and called him out on a lot of things.  Of course he didn't hear it so I just went silent.  Neither of us knew that my daughter and her friend heard the whole argument.  He got up to get some air outside and my daughter immediately confronted him.  She said "you need to get f*** out of here.  Don't ever talk to my Mom like that again".  He was embarassed and ashamed and apologetic and we all just went to sleep because it was so late.  The next morning he was apologetic and said all the right things.  I took my daughter aside and apologized that she heard the whole mess.  I asked her what bothered her the most about the argument, as I wasn't sure why she was so upset.  She said, "you really don't know?  Mom, he was gaslighting you and manipulating you.  You kept ending the argument and he kept waking you up to keep arguing."  At that moment, I realized how right she was.  I was used to him, that I lost sight of what he was doing to me.  Again. (part 1)

Title: Re: Ending a 4 yr relationship. Last and final breakup (I hope).
Post by: Jillery on August 24, 2020, 04:13:31 AM
The reason I feel like this is the end is because I have grown so much and his response was different than previous breakups.  Instead of being angry and cutting me off, his response was more resolved and sad.  Here is last message:

It was a complete honor to know you and all your friends/family.  I just wanted to let you know this.  I've made mistakes along the way for which I deeply regret.  I'm not perfect.  But I guess we need to move on with our lives.  I completely agree and understand Jillery.  I'm deleting you from my phone. I just can't.  So I will no longer be sending you texts nor will I be able to receive any from you.  It's just better that way.  Clean slate.  You will always hold a place in my heart.  I truly am sorry for everything.  Not gonna know what to do with myself not talking to you anymore.  But in time I'll figure it out.  I wish you all the best and I truly hope you find what it is you're looking for.

In this past week, I've cried a bit, talked with lots of friends, and re-read my posts from years ago on this board.  I am so glad that I posted here as I able to revisit all of the previous problems as well as all of your helpful comments.  It helped me realize that this relationship has been doomed from the start.  I am writing today to hold myself accountable in case he does reach back out and I get sucked back in again.  I think he may not as I called him out on lies that he didn't even know I knew.  I think he realizes his mask is off and there's no coming back from that.  But who knows, they don't think like we do. 

Thanks all for reading.  My heart is with all of you who are struggling. 

Title: Re: Ending a 4 yr relationship. Last and final breakup (I hope).
Post by: Diddle on August 25, 2020, 06:35:30 AM
I too am all for having notes to look back on.
My few previous posts on here, I can see myself progress and my husband attitude stay the same.
Because of the manipulation, we feel like we doubt ourselves.

Stay strong, and well done for taking the steps you needed for yourself x

Title: Re: Ending a 4 yr relationship. Last and final breakup (I hope).
Post by: Jillery on August 25, 2020, 12:46:18 PM
Thank you, Diddle.  I appreciate your kind words.  Had it not been for this board, I would've forgotten about the last breakup a year ago.  Funny how we block things out. 

It's been 8 days NC and I haven't cried in 2 days.  Keep moving forward.

Title: Re: Ending a 4 yr relationship. Last and final breakup (I hope).
Post by: Diddle on August 25, 2020, 02:42:38 PM
Definitely Jillery
You just need to take each day as it comes, its like a grieving process. Its ok to feel All the same emotions and important you let yourself and not bottle it up.
You’re doing great x