Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: jovy on August 24, 2020, 02:45:13 PM

Title: Having anxiety over break up with BPD
Post by: jovy on August 24, 2020, 02:45:13 PM
She and I are in the process of breaking up and I'm not doing well. Although I feel breaking up is the best thing to do, I'm have anxiety about breaking up with her. I had anxiety while in the relationship and now I'm having anxiety in connection with breaking up. I'm having a hard time detaching and am still anxious over the same issues about her that I had while we we're together, e.g., how is she going to react to my relationships with other people, etc. Although we won't be in contact, I may run into her when I'm out and she may see who I am with and the thought of this scares me. I'm just very scared. It's hard to describe what I'm feeling so I'm just putting down some thoughts in this post. I anyone can relate, please reply.

Title: Re: Having anxiety over break up with BPD
Post by: JuliaBee on August 24, 2020, 05:23:38 PM
Hi Jovy,

I can relate very much to your anxiety over breaking it off with your BPD partner. I just did this with mine, it was only a few months compared to some longer relationships, but it was stressful enough to be with this person for just that time.  I was very anxious over breaking up , and i still am but it's been about a month. I feel much better now than i did before i broke up. I still have anxiety. But this is your body/mind/gut telling you that this relationship isn't right, it's not healthy. Your anxiety is your body trying to tell you this, in your heart maybe you know you need to leave, that the relationship is not healthy, but maybe guilt over how it will hurt them is making it harder and giving you anxiety. It gets better! You have to put your own mental health before their feelings or their manipulations. I am working through this now, i know how it feels. I hope you can safely get out of it, it will probably be ugly and painful but it's worth it in the long run. Think about where you want to be 6 months or 1 year from now, think about how you want to feel. Just keep moving forward, be kind but firm.

Title: Re: Having anxiety over break up with BPD
Post by: jovy on August 29, 2020, 05:48:01 PM

Thank you for your reply JuliaBee. It is nice to hear from someone who knows what I'm going through.

I have been in this relationship for over 3.5 years but knew in my heart early on that something didn't feel right. We broke up once and got back together about 1.5 years ago. I was the one that pursued her to get back together, so now I'm feeling guilty that I can't stay the course. Yes, guilt over how our break up is hurting her is giving me anxiety. I'm also feeling guilty/anxious about something I said and something I didn't say to her during our break up phone call that took place about a week ago. She has said she doesn't want to talk to me, which I understand because she's feeling very hurt and just needs to put me in the past. I am thinking about reaching out to her to say a couple of things but I'm scared to because I feel guilty about the break up and she is hurt and upset with me. I always worried that she would be extremely hurt and upset if I were to break up with her. That's one of the reasons I continued to stay with her even when my heart was saying it isn't right. Yes it feels painful and a little ugly. Not that she is being ugly about it. We really haven't had any contact. I think it is more me feeling guilty and terrible about myself for having hurt her. I'm trying to learn to live with myself. I'm trying to feel okay with doing what's best for me and taking care of myself, but it isn't easy. I know it will be worth it for me in the long run, however, I have so much guilt/anxiety/depression right now that it is hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks again JuliaBee. I look forward to your and anyone else's reply to this post.