BPDFamily.com

Hi All,

This will probably seem a bit choppy, but i just want to get it out.

I broke up with my pwBPD one month ago today. We were in an intense relationship for 3 months after 1 month of courting. I had no idea what BPD or even a personality disorder was until meeting him. I've been on an emotional rollercoast and seen and heard things i wish i never had these last few months. I finally broke it off 1 month ago after a monumental blow-out with him where he flipped out on me for thinking that i was laughing at him while i was checking my email and laughing at something funny in an email. His illness would peak out and then go away and in between fights which got worse and worse, he would love-bomb me and be incredibly affectionate and caring. I could use some support right now mainly just bc i still feel like i'm being cruel to him for cutting off contact today, which i finally have decided to do. After our blow-out fight/first breakup one month ago he told me he was diagnosed with BPD 5 years ago and didn't want to tell me bc he thought i'd leave him or use it against him to manipulate him. I thought since he had a lot of positive qualities, and bc it would be 'cruel' of me to not give it a try, that since he was already in therapy and willing to work through it with DBT that i should give him a chance. Well, one month later and while things were going well, he started getting fuzzy with the boundaries i set. and it seemed like we were drifting back to the non-stop contact through texting and snapchatting. then one night he came to my house to give me flowers. (boundary violation but he was 'trying to be sweet') he saw my car wasn't there bc it was in the shop for a few days. He immediately assumed i was sleeping with someone else (i'm not). At this point he claims he had dissociative amnesia while he downloaded a texting app, called me twice and left two voicemails while driving aimlessly where he didn't say much except mumbled a few times 'you lied to me' 'i'm not OK with this'. When i confronted him he then claimed he blacked out and had no memory of calling me.  That was 2 days ago. We didn't talk until today when i noticed he deactivated a couple of his social media accounts. I then deleted my snapchat bc i didn't want him to have non-stop access to me and he was the only person i talked to on there. Then he started harassing me over text and i told him i needed space and had to put my mental health above his feelings. he then continued to harass me the rest of the day saying i don't love him and i was abandoning him and didn't care about his feelings. SMH. I know it's his intense emotions and he can't reason it through but damn this sucks. I've been feeling so bad about not being caring enough about his disorder especially bc he is in treatment and says he is doing the dbt and daily meditation. But I just don't have the energy to give him bc it's never enough. I don't want to cut him off cold-turkey and seem cruel but he can't understand that I don't have any energy to give him. I don't know how to communicate this clearly and camly and lovingly but still with firm boundaries. I could use some help with this. Anyone have any suggestions on how to communicate calmly and kindly and firmly that I don't want to talk to him and our relationship is over? Also, he takes any form of communication as a foothold to get back into my emotions and keep the communication. I suspect this is mostly unconscious but there is still awareness on his part that he's doing that. Bc I'm so afraid of hurting him/him feeling pain I have been still in communication this last month. But this last episode of coming to my home and then blacking out is scary to me and shows he doesn't understand boundaries. I feel i need to cut him out completely now. How should I handle this? Sorry for rambling, i just need some advice. I'm happy to share more details on all the issues we had, I have put together a list of the worst things that have happened. Thank you

Hi Juliabee
You might find some advice on communicating with someone with BPD here or elsewhere on the site;
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0

From reading your post, and specifically the bits I have quoted above, you have tried your best to help. You can't be responsible for both of you, someone on here describes a pw BPD as a bucket with holes - your love and support will never be enough to fill the bucket. 
The last incident has scared you and you need to put yourself first. He can't understand that you don't have the energy to give him because he can't see things from your point of view. You have made the decision to cut him out completely. You have tried to explain and he didn't understand. I expect you were calm, kind and firm already. Stay calm but you might have to be a bit firmer. This is your decision. You have the right to end the relationship, even if it hurts him.
My ex left 6 weeks ago today (one day I will stop measuring time in this way) after I said that I was feeling low and wasn't able to respond (to his mood) in the way that he needed me to. Reading on here I am constantly astounded at the similarities in our relationships with pw BPD.
Please give more details about your r/s if it will be helpful for you.
Best wishes, Beth