BPDFamily.com

Hello, thanks for this support group setting. I hope I can learn more about BPD and how to find compassion and be forgiving and loving and understanding to my sister. There is so much to say about it... She refuses to get help, always has. I don't think she knows what she has? Not sure. Would like help with that part too. Thank you.

a few specifics are that she has always picked on me, i am either the villain or the rescuer, and right now i literally am both b/c i tried to help get her and my nieces computers and instead my sister took one that belongs to my dad but was in my possession. she said 'i'm considering this to be my computer now.' i had been trying to fix it for her kids to use here at the house where my dad and i live, but really it belongs to our dad. he entrusted me with it over a year ago, it doesn't even work well, and we have been sourcing a new device for them to have for the school year. when i try to explain this you can imagine the vitriol i am met with. it is astonishing, and yet why am i astonished when it has been this way as long as i can remember? it is scary how her eyes change, and she fixates on me, really these flashes in her eyes she just wants to cut me down. she believes every thought that comes into her head and has all the wrong ideas. makes assumptions about what i am doing and why. it takes a huge argument and by the time i say anything i can see the flash across her face that she realizes she misunderstood. she even said she was sorry, but then right away immediately picks up again with how i shouldn't bring anything up to her, it is my problem, not hers.
what also scares me is that she will reach a point when everything that comes out of her mouth is either exactly what i am thinking about her in that moment, or it is something from the past that i said to her about her. she always brings up the past, too. but those projections are terrifying. does anyone know how to handle that?
she loves to push my buttons, she loves to goad me and then tell me she is worried about me. then later tells me never to doubt her love for me. i truly do not ever doubt that. i also gave up on her ages ago. there is no real person there. for my entire life (I am 41) she has refused to do therapy with the family or on her own. we all went through a lot. but then she went maybe a handful of times - years ago - and to this day still will say "my therapist told me to tell you you are this this and that" whatever made up thing it is that day. she is dating someone now (with whom she cheated on her husband) who she says is an alcoholic, so she says she is "doing al-alon" which i don't believe. i think she read part of the adult child of an alcoholic book and thinks she is an expert. all she does is say in the moment to me what i cannot do to her - but this is while she is doing the thing she is saying i can't do. like text anything emotional. she also repeats herself like crazy with this stuff. she is a huge hypocrite! is any of this familiar to anyone?

Hi Hilla,

Your sister sounds like her emotions have the intensity of a nuclear bomb at times.  That has to be rough for you.

As you are aware, BPD is a disease of emotional dysregulation, so the things you are describing are not unexpected.

We can't change the pwBPD.  We can't explain, defend ourselves, justify our actions or words, or try to argue good points like we can with "healthy" people.  Doing these things (JADE) with BPD's will ALWAYS escalate the situation and make it worse, because they feel invalidated, and thus they start spewing toxic garbage at us.

Therefore, the only thing we can change, is how we react to them.  Are you familiar with SET?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0;all

There are many additional tools that can be used to de-escalate their emotions. 
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=334882.0
These tools really do work.  It takes some effort on our part to learn about them, and practice them with our pwBPD.  It is worth it.  A year ago, I was consumed by thoughts of moving away from where I live, just to get away from my mom.  These days, I am feeling much better, and navigating my relationship with her.  The reason is because I use these tools.

I am an only child, so my situation is different than yours.  But what we all have in common is the problem of how to take back control of our lives from the pwBPD.  These tools are a big part of the ticket to doing that.

What happens if you try SET during one of her episodes?

I really really really appreciate your reply. Thank you. It is a relief to read your words and feel validated ... b/c it really is so rough.
I do try SET when I can - and at times it will work but briefly. In the heat of the moment when she is already stirred up, she really doesn't stop and she really fixates on me. She is on a super clear cycle of abuse. This has been going on so very long that she developed some scary habits whereby any words I say, any phrases, are inevitably be used against me later and incorrectly. So I have fear now and I just get really hard in those moments. Her denial is gargantuan. It is astonishing. And the way she involves our parents is heartbreaking b/c they are both so old, 76 and 79. They can't follow what is going on, but for decades now they've seen her abuse me and have not been able to do anything about it. They tell me how sorry they feel for me. And then sister will do things like send my dad links from un-verified sources about narcissistic personality disorders and dealing with a difficult family member, and those videos and articles list everything SHE does. The one about NPD in particular had an entire section about how NPD use their children as pawns, and it made me think she didn't even watch the video she sent b/c she literally did the exact thing they describe - that day! She wrote to me that I am not allowed to share stories or pictures of her children with our mom, that I cannot call our mom when I am my nieces, and I cannot talk about her. The triangulation is so upsetting. I hate this cycle and I hate that nothing ever ever changes. I've been in therapy for this for over 20 years. I've gone years without speaking to her and when I did, my life was great! But now, we are near by and our dad needs looking after, and so do my nieces especially b/c of pandemic. My sister fixates on me and it is horrifying. In therapy I've worked on making myself "invisible" to her. It is the only thing that works! But it is really hard to pull off in the current scenario. I hate the way she fixates on me. Also my dad told me he was driving with her and she was listing everything wrong with me one by one, the whole time, and my dad say there and what he heard was everything he sees about her. So he now knows the projection better ---- but he doesn't know what it is like to be the one truly projected upon. anyway. thank you for your resources and for writing me back.

Hi Hilla,

I am so sorry your sister is fixating on you.

It is so difficult and hurtful right?

It sounds like you are well aware of “projection”.  And your father sees it too.  I’m really glad your father sees your side, and isn’t  defending your sister’s bad behavior.

I’m also glad you have a T.

And you always have us here, 24/7.

So if a BPD is  in the red zone of emotional dysregulation, they may be too emotional ( borderline) for even SET to work.  In the red zone, their cognitive brain isn’t working any more, and so when the rage or abuse starts and SET doesn’t work, its time to leave the situation.  When they become abusive, it is time  to say “we can continue this conversation when we are both feeling better, but I have to go now”, and then leave.  It is important to do this to both protect yourself, and to also show her you are not her doormat.  She may push back.  Hold your ground. :hug: :hug:  When I stopped accepting this behavior from my mom, she stopped doing it.  

good ideas, thank you.

right now it is a lot of texting from her, and it comes after she will send long messages about how she will NOT be texting, how much she looks down upon any emotional text messages of any kind. it is quite confusing. but i dont think she is trying to confuse anyone. it is hard to watch someone who is so... unwell.

even if i give a reasonable, logical explanation for something it is rendered utterly meaningless by her. she becomes a dictator. no wonder this treatment does a number on people's self esteem. luckily i feel i am okay in that regard, but it is awfully strange to look back and see how many times i've had to separate her words from the truth of the matter, and all the years i was younger how much it messed with my head. it still messes with me, b/c i hear it in my head while i am sweeping the floor or doing dishes, or working with my hands, i just hear this replay.

i never respond to her texts.

I feel like you are talking about my life. So hard. So unfair. I think you are doing a lot of things right. It doesn’t change everything. I keep forgetting that.

Great observation.  You are so right.  Are you familiar with JADEing?
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.20
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.msg1363817#msg1363817

Just if they're negative, right?  If she ever sends you a "nice" text, you want to respond to that one right away :) to give her that positive reinforcement, and encourage more of the same.   :heart:

Hilla, I could have written what you wrote, sounds just like my  undiagnosed sister.  Now I am in a similar situation with our parents and I can't avoid her anymore like I have been. It has affected my parents and my health, at least I have let it. After the latest confrontation she is in a state of feeling so sorry, crocodile tears, while blaming, everyone else. I know if I give in and apologize for something I do not feel sorry about, she will begin her push and pull all over again. Her complaining repeats over and over again. I become impatient and agitated with the never ending victim, blaming, complaining then am told I have no empathy, etc etc. I am walking on eggshells, trying to avoid a wrong tone of voice, opinion, expression, omission, then she harshly scolds me, repeats her complaint over and over, then turns into my cheerleader.
This realization of probable bpd is new to me. I need to learn the skills you mentioned though I and my folks are so burnt out that we don't have the energy or desire to try. I finally stood up for myself and gave her a boundary. She got so angry with me. It feels hopeless. I am in counseling.
Thank you for sharing.

Thank you for sharing also. I feel hopeless today. I wish more than anything that my sister would just get her head together and be okay. I can't deal with this anymore. I feel so trapped. I have my dad here and he is loving and kind and smart and understands the situation. I always have his support and he really does help me feel better and feel okay with myself. He and I have shared values. But then my sister will text me long tirades about how I don't treat him well...it is so sad...and confusing... Sometimes I feel like i don't know right from wrong, when I read her interpretation and her abuse, and I question myself? It is so awful. But then why am I asked to look after her children? Just last week she was saying how she would be so lost without me here...b/c she has an absent boyfriend who is always drunk and saying mean things to her. And this is where her children live half the time. That is why she wanted my dad and me to move here, to save her from this... It is such an unhealthy situation.