Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: legalboxers on August 26, 2020, 08:55:24 PM

Title: UPDATE: 5 months of a toxic relationship = beaten, battered bruised
Post by: legalboxers on August 26, 2020, 08:55:24 PM
8/4/2020. So here is an update. I had a friend check out her page, and she said "got rid of trash". and found something better without even looking. So here is my question. She accused me of cheating with the multiple text messages, when I didn't. She kept on getting more violent towards the end of the "relationship" which means someone was there as she was "with" me. So here is my question. What did I walk into, or out of, did she really honestly care for me, or was it a game?   

Update 8/26/20 - so now she’s telling people she was in a toxic relationship with me, when she was the one who started this mess. She is playing the victim.   Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) - has anyone else been through this? I mean I don’t know is it me? I did everything I could but I stood up for myself and got sick of the broken record of the multiple text messages and being yelled at my mother was calling to see how I was doing
someone please tell me am I dreaming this. She is playing the victim. She goes on for days on end accusing me of texting someone "on the worst day of her life - the day her mother is being cremated" (I would think it was the day her mother died, when I was with her but thats besides the point) And how my friend who is an EMT needed someone to talk to (She hasnt contacted me since the incident with the now ex) and my other friend who has Stage 4 Cancer (she as well has not contacted me)

So no one has been in contact with me who was the trigger to her outbusts and actions. Someone mentioned to me God was sending me a sign since no one messages me when Im not with her, but only when I was with her.

I dont know what to feel. I feel lost. I havent thought about her and when I do it hurts. I know I did nothing wrong. I did everything she wanted. I paid for the gardener, the electrician, the cat food, the hotel stays, the food. I was a complete gentleman. I dont know what I did..

Title: Re: UPDATE: 5 months of a toxic relationship = beaten, battered bruised
Post by: grumpydonut on August 26, 2020, 09:40:53 PM
Legal, you already know the answers to those questions so I'm not going to give you reassurance, because it'll only provide temporary relief before you'll need it again.

BPD is a mental illness. Your story follows the same pattern as dozens I've read on this forum. It's not about what you did or didn't do, it's about who she is at her core and her issues.

Mine is also lying about me and playing the victim. She isn't actually "playing" though. They literally believe they are victims because they're feelings tell them so.

Stop trying so hard to figure her out (notice I didn't say stop completely, as that's likely impossible). She is BPD. BPD is a mental illness. Mentally ill people are unstable and trying to put yourself into her mind will only infect yours or create confusion.

Title: Re: UPDATE: 5 months of a toxic relationship = beaten, battered bruised
Post by: once removed on August 27, 2020, 02:49:45 AM
shes bitter. youre bitter. its the nature of a bad breakup  :hug:

you arent going to see eye to eye on this, or you wouldnt have broken up.

she feels it was you and she did nothing wrong. you feel it was her and you did nothing wrong.

fortunately, all of that goes out the window when a breakup happens. whoever was right, whoever was wrong, its over, no more.

i imagine that still, its hard to read the other persons perspective when youre trying to grieve. why not get some space from it?

Title: Re: UPDATE: 5 months of a toxic relationship = beaten, battered bruised
Post by: legalboxers on August 27, 2020, 10:25:29 AM
@once removed:
This stemmed from more of my friend who is an EMT who was in a bad place at the time she called me (she was separated from her husband, who went back to him for "health insurance purposes". And my other friend who has stage 4 cancer has not contacted me since as well.

The other person basically has a mean bone in her body. She accused me of saying she was cheating without proof. Claimed I was cheating because the aforementioned person texted me 15x crying for help. And she wanted me to turn my back on them because her mother died 2 months prior (I know you need to put a sig. other first as priority, but I was easing into the "boyfriend" role, I did not know where she stood)..

I still cant sleep even after a month. I dont call myself bitter. I call myself robbed. I was accused of something which I did not do, I tried being the best person I can be for her. Supporting her, but she accuses me of being something I wasnt. All this...over one text message...

Title: Re: UPDATE: 5 months of a toxic relationship = beaten, battered bruised
Post by: brighter future on August 27, 2020, 01:56:39 PM

I was in your spot about 4 months ago and can sort of identify with what you're going through. Initially, I couldn't see that it was my uPBD ex-g/f's mental illness that made her do the things she did at the end of her relationship. I just sat around for several weeks like you are now trying to figure out the madness over and over again in my mind until it literally drove me crazy one night, which sent me into a meltdown. It was at that point that I decided I needed professional help to get back on track. My counselor has gotten me pointed in the right direction and educated me on my ex'es illness and issues as well as issues within myself. After listening to me describe her behaviors and reviewing several of her text messages and emails, she said there was no doubt in her mind that my ex suffers from BPD.  Everyone here in this forum has been a tremendous support system for me as well. I don't know where I'd be without counseling and this forum.

Please consider finding a professional counselor to help you through this. There is nothing shameful about reaching out for help.  Your ex is doing these things because of the mental illness. That's what I tell myself each time I think of something that my ex did or said crosses my mind.  Always remember, people that are mentally healthy don't do things like this. It's just the nature of the illness, sadly. I had to get it through my thick head that I couldn't change what my ex was thinking or doing after the breakup no matter how irrational or unhealthy it was. It really hurts to watch someone you love self-destruct.  We can only control our own thoughts or actions. This is hard to do sometimes, but once you realize that, the path to healing will be so much easier for you. It's all a work in progress and does not happen overnight, and I still struggle some days with this.  Best wishes.

Title: Re: UPDATE: 5 months of a toxic relationship = beaten, battered bruised
Post by: legalboxers on August 27, 2020, 02:27:38 PM
@ brighter future. I probably will but the most funny part is. For 25 years of my life, I endured much worse with my father (who died in 2002) and oddly enough I endured that. But this. She has not contacted me. Its the burned memories in my head, which Im slowly erasing. She kept on harping about the "text message" and the "deal breakers". About the ex's. Everyone has ex's. and everyone lies. Plain and simple. She and I lasted technically for 4 months. I was telling my mom "I give her 3-4 months. And sadly I was right. Something told me in my gut it would last 4..and I was right. I hate being right, especially on stuff like this. As I always said to someone. This is Covid. You dont know when its going to be your last. You love one another. Cherish what you got. And you hold onto it, and never let it go. The way I explained it so someone. Think of it as a newborn baby. Its yours. Its perfect. Its perfect. And then, it gets ripped out of your hands. And as you hold onto it, kicking and screaming.. its ripped from your hands. Thats the only way I can explain it. For the 1st time in my life I had something amazing, or what I thought was to be amazing, or perceived to be. And I kept on saying "this is a dream, Im going to wake up one day and it will be gone" and I kept saying that to myself because nothing ever is that perfect...And sadly..That Friday in July.. I woke up from that dream...