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Title: I had to break up, I was too weak Post by: lionessa on September 01, 2020, 04:53:46 PM Hi all:
My last post was in May 2020, when I thought I can salvage the relationship. I tied my best and for last few months I did my best to save it. I could not. The new discoveries- hidden alcoholism, strong narcissistic traits, possible cheating, looking for narc supply- I guess came to light. It was too much to handle for me. Yes, I feel beaten, and you may understand it while reading this post. I did love him though. Maybe I fell into trap of his love-bombing at first and overlooked certain facts. But where I am now, gaslighted, with constant hovering about me- I called quits. He turned out not to have any sympathy and my therapist believes that he is a psychopath. Yes, could not salvage it at all. Yet, it feels like there was no true connection between us so I don't regret much. I am simply tired of filling that black hole with my affections. It did not get me anywhere. Title: Re: I had to break up, I was too weak Post by: Lucky Jim on September 02, 2020, 09:42:53 AM Hey lionessa, Sounds like a wise move. Suggest you put yourself first, which you are doing. You are not responsible for the well-being of another adult. If he suffers from BPD, you can't cure him. Sure, you feel beaten. I did, too, when I had to throw in the towel. BPD proved too much for me. In my view, going through the BPD crucible and coming out the other side is what leads to greater happiness, so keep it up.
LuckyJim Title: Re: I had to break up, I was too weak Post by: lionessa on September 05, 2020, 07:15:14 PM Thank you LuckyJim,
Thank you for your reply. I think I fell into depression, spent entire day in bed, not leaving house for one week. Working vey hard on a new project. But I hope that this is just grieving after lost relationship and it will end very soon. I want to talk to someone to tell them about what is happening to me but i feel i cannot. I don't want to burden my daughter, my parents, my friends who live far away anyway. My ex- BP called me today and warned me that he takes whatever happens to me very badly, but he is bad in this situations. Showed no emotions or anything. I knew I could not expect anything from him because of his mental disposition if not illness. Even though I feel I would want someone by my side just to be with me today, i KNOW that his presence will be so painful to me. He will split, and dissociate and make nothing of it leaving me in worse state that I am. I told him not to call me today. I need to get back on my feet. I feel I know this is just a loss of relationship depression and acceptance will follow soon and I will be stronger. I don't have any strength to look for a positive side of that depression, as I did when I faced some difficult times before. This time, it hit me the hardest. I am usually so super strong, helping others most of the time, as I am in a healing profession. But this time is different. My ex- BP always left me when I needed him the most, making me relying on myself a lot. He often dissociated when I was crying. I was invisible to him as he continued to cook, listening to the music or he could conduct a normal phone conversation when I was crying in front of him. That dissociation was so painful to me and I have experienced glimpses that psychotic side in him showing no emotions. My psychologist told me not to show my weakness in front of him. I felt that in this 6 month of "relationship" or whatever it was, left me in shambles. But i know I will be all right soon. I am going through a grieving process and trying to be brave. Thank you Title: Re: I had to break up, I was too weak Post by: Lucky Jim on September 08, 2020, 10:57:18 AM Excerpt I want to talk to someone to tell them about what is happening to me but i feel i cannot. I don't want to burden my daughter, my parents, my friends who live far away anyway. Hey lionessa, It's OK to reach out to friends and family, who may surprise you with their compassion. Not everyone finds it a burden when someone "gets real" and speaks his/her truth. Like you, I kept a lot hidden from friends and family during my marriage, because I was ashamed and embarrassed about the abuse from my BPDxW. I finally reached out to others and let my issues see the light of day, where they didn't seem so overwhelming. It was a long process, but I recommend it. I learned that I was not alone in my struggles. Hey, we're all human, after all! Good luck and keep us posted. LuckyJim Title: Re: I had to break up, I was too weak Post by: BuildingFromScratch on September 08, 2020, 11:52:23 AM Doesn't sound like you were too weak, more like smart. I know this website has people trying to make their relationships work, but most of them are not succeeding if you look at the board for that. Besides, I don't think one person in a relationship should have to give 175% and the other person gives 25%. It's just way too lopsided in these relationships to be anywhere close to healthy. It's a lost cause.
Title: Re: I had to break up, I was too weak Post by: lionessa on September 08, 2020, 01:42:35 PM Thank you LuckyJIm and Buildingfromscratch: |iiii
I have seen the daylight. Thank God! Just yesterday, I had to go to the city where he lives to buy something. I was little afraid of possibility of running into him or driving by his apartment complex, because of my curiosity. But, I checked with my heart and realized that I don't hold him so dear as I did before. In fact, my feelings were extinguished to a large degree and I truly felt a sense of release from that emotional cage. On my drive home, I was smiling to myself and realized that I missed out on many wonderful experiences because of that stupid semi-romantic illusion of a relationship. And of course, I am far form being normal - self yet. Still have a low tolerance for people who have always something to say and changing subjects 10 times per minute. But definitely not swinging to the other side of the pendulum - where I would be ecstatic all over. Healing it is a proces and as most things in the world - it will take its sweet time. But this time, I am a willing participant not some poor victim (that I was! ). I have my control back and that what matters. My uncle used to say: " Don't worry, someday the sun will shine in your garden as well". This is my wish to you. Thank you so very much for your help. :hug: |