Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: Bg89 on September 03, 2020, 02:00:58 PM

Title: Very fresh separation
Post by: Bg89 on September 03, 2020, 02:00:58 PM
Well hear goes,
 I'm currently in the process of separation from my wife who has bpd, we have been together nearly 6 years, have 3 kids married for nearly 4 and due to covid we got stuck between 2 countries for the last 6 months iv now recently got back to her and my family to be given this news which she has hinted at for the last 3 months. It's not my choice but she feels she can't give me emotionally what I deserve anymore and is telling me I'll be happier with someone else and she is not happy anymore to the point of self harm and thoughts of suicide to end this and just wants to be alone now.  I'm finding this absolutely devastating and like it's a wrecking ball threw my life and its leaving me at the point I'm crying every day I cant sleep, hardly eating and my anxiety is running wild.

 Despite all the things that come with being with a bpd I never held anything agents her especially as tuff as it can be. She is the love of my life and my best friend and while I understand how the condition makes her act but I'm still struggling with taking all the blame and that she seems like its just another chapter closed. i guess I'm just looking for advice to help get threw this, I'm concidering counciling agen because of this all as I cant find myself being able to get going. We are currently still living together as we moved country this year and iv just recently arrived and I have no job.

Title: Re: Very fresh separation
Post by: Dark Moon on September 03, 2020, 04:40:56 PM
I am so deeply sorry for what you are going through! My husband disappeared 9 days ago now, and I have not had any communication with him since. I think I know where he might be, but it's not a safe location for me to visit so I have little choice but to wonder/worry.

I wanted to share with you what I've been doing to try to mitigate the devastation that goes on in your life. First, getting yourself a counselor is a great idea. It's nice to be able to talk it out and they're good at redirecting your focus to self-care. I understand the desire to caretake your spouse - mine is also the love of my life and best friend. But you do need to take care of you in this traumatic time too. It's doubly important because you need to be there for your children as well - I have 6 myself. It's alot to take on. You will need support!

I also joined a local NAMI family support group. I'm currently looking into a CODA support group. I found this site and have also applied for a Family Connections class (NEA or NAMI). Spending time researching and learning about BPD has helped me understand what's going on as well as feel some relief. Also learning about DBT skills will be a lifesaver for all in your family.

Although my husband has taken off like this 6 or 7 times in the past 2 years, I don't know if he'll come back. I had to start thinking about divorce. It would most likely be me that would have to manage all that. I'm not ready...so we'll see how it goes. It's so incredibly crippling when you love someone and then this stuff happens out of the blue. Well, maybe not out of the blue, but it's really challenging to get the hang of dysregulation, and maybe the healthy spouse never really can. But it does help to read up on what to look for, things to do/try, especially things to try not to do (I've done so many things on that list...makes me feel guilty sometimes).

The greatest advice I can offer is to hang in there. It might get harder for awhile, but it will get better. Definitely explore your own feelings, try to eat, try to get some sleep. Find things to distract yourself - hobbies, playing with the kids, working out, small house projects. Try to take breaks from BPD research from time to time. You need time to process and digest the information. There's a lot of different ways it can be expressed and it can be scary reading alot of stuff - oh no! Is that going to happen to me???

I'll leave you with this. Remember in the darkest times what it was you loved about your spouse in the first place. Try to let love be your memory, not fear or bitterness (to protect you). BPD is an unfortunate burden to be saddled with, for everyone involved. But you can't let it drag you down...give your spouse space, so you are staying safe/healthy. It's not pleasant to think about, but consider that the worst case scenario (divorce) is not the end of the world. It is just a change (easy for me to say; I've been divorced before) in the relationship (albeit an unwelcome one). Believe in the best outcome for everyone. Take it one day at a time.

You can do this. And there are many, many people out here to offer you support! Don't be afraid or hesitate to ask for help whenever you need it. Maybe the most comforting thing I've found in all of this, is that I am not alone (and I happen to have a pretty deep fear of being alone - discovered while I've been working through things related to my husband's issues). Some days are harder than others, but try to remember that every day is a new opportunity for change, for growth, for peace, for whatever you need. :-)