BPDFamily.com

Hi
Ive just came out of a 3 year relationship with my girlfriend who is clearly BPD(I realised soon after we met and she agreed at the time but later went into denial)
We were still in eachothers lives until about 3 weeks ago,  i hung in hoping she would eventually start realizing that i was so good to her and to stop verbally abusing me and all the other crazy stuff she did to make me feel like crap
But suddenly she went completely cold, like a switch had been pulled
She blocked me, blanked me and i am as sure as i can be that she has met someone else
She eventually agreed to meet me for a goodbye meeting and started blaming minor things she didnt like about me for breaking us up
But none of it makes sense
She has been telling me since we met i am the love of her life and that she adores me
I have been there for her through so much, so many times she said i had saved her from drowning and that she couldn't have survived without me
Now this, nothing...just struggling to understand

I am really sorry for all the suffering you are going through. I can relate.

If she truly has BPD, you will never understand. This illness is one of the hardest things to wrap your head around, and even if you do, it doesn't give any closure. I know it's easier said than done, but thinking too much about her rebound or how she processes the break up, is counter productive. I'm stuck at this stage also. If she has a replacement or if she doesn't, it really makes no difference, and is no indication of your own worth or the amount of love you put into the r/s. Even normal people in romantic relationships do stuff that, at the end of the day, has nothing to do with us. And if you add another layer of complexity, a personality disorder, you get completely unexplainable behaviour, that doesn't even touch you as a seperate individual, it's completely "outside" of you. For now you can at least try to detach intellectually, and hopefully emotions will follow.

I wish you the best

Thankyou for your reply
I understand the condition well enough to know that the truth will never come out
I tried at the very beginning to follow all the advice on how to deal with her
I read and researched loads and hoped i had made a breakthrough,  but time and time again it came back to bite me
She was so full on in the beginning,  even until recently telling me i was the love of her life
I then began to back off as her abuse chipped away at me
I keep telling myself im better off without her, my friends and family will never forgive her for certain things she said and i know shes toxic
But im just finding it incredibly difficult right now

I can see your pain, I know it too well. Don't know what to tell you, I don't have all the answers. Maybe you'll find some solace in that I know exactly what you are talking about. I read forums, I tried usuing validating language, I honestly tried my best. And when the passive aggressive abuse, and not even the abuse, but the weight of being responsible for the emotions of two people was just a tad too much, and I desperately wanted to save at least some energy with the use of boundries, it's when the whole hell broke loose.

Until recently I was stuck punishing myself for not being good enough. That I could have been more gentle about boundries, I could have learnt the techniques better, I could have been less impatient. But let me tell you, even that is too much burden for one person. I have strong narcissistic traits, and me thinking I can even "manage" the illness, was extreme hubris. We are flesh and blood, we are no angels of mercy, we cannot help anyone but ourselves.

Stay strong

All of that is so familiar to me
I too tried being strong and patient,  she often said my patience was incredible
She even said herself some time ago that things would eventually chip away at me
Towards the end i suppose i had lost much of the respect for i had at the beginning
I was much less tolerant,  quicker to raise objections and spent more time apart than together
But right now im missing her and i just want to find a way to navigate this
I had believed i was the one person could overcome her issues as she had a string of failed relationships,  she demonised all of her exes, yet i now know they couldn't all have been bad

I know this is an extremely controversial topic here, and I accept that people have different opinions, everyone has their own path and motivations that drive them, which I am more often than not unable to understand. Still, at least in my own healing, I came to realise that my mindset: I could help her, I could save, I could manage - was extremely selfish, and contributed to just as much suffering as the personality disorder.

But find your own truth. It's there and you are on a path to find it.

I am sorry for your suffering

Hi Andy,
I'm sorry you're hurting right now, but as you read around this site, you'll find that this happens often with a person with BPD.  The same thing happened to me.

I was involved with my ex for a little over three years, and she said the same things to me.  She repeated "I'm in love with you" like a mantra.  She repeated that I saved her, that I'm her rock, and that she wants me in her life forever.  She wanted to marry me, BUT -

I didn't want to do that because she cheated on me right from the start.  I don't know what she says or what she does to attract these men, but she's good at it.  I guess promises of money and sex go a long way.  Ironically, that's not what attracted me to her.  I fell for her "damsel in distress" routine.  

Anyway, what happened in my relationship was a series of what you just described.  She would shower me with love and gratitude, but all the while she was talking and flirting with other men on social media.  If I did one little thing that she didn't like, she was making dates with them.  And her moods changed without reason or warning.

Here's what I really want to warn you about.  If she really has BPD, she won't change without hard work on her part.  Only she can change that; you can't love her to wellness.  She might very likely try to get you back.  This has been the pattern in my experience.  She might call you in a few weeks or a month or so and say she made a terrible mistake and you're the only one for her.  I kept going back for the longest time, but things never got better with her, and there were always other guys. Our relationship wasn't a triangle; it was a polygon. So I would warn you not to go back.  Even though it won't be easy, don't go back.  She'll just do it to you again.  I'm speaking from my own experience, and from what I've read here, my experience isn't atypical.  The patterns seem clear.  

Here's what I did to help me get over it.  I started going to therapy, I go to church, I go out with friends, I'm studying a new subject, and I do things for myself.  So be good to yourself, Andy.  This "what-the-hell-was-that" feeling with begin to fade, and you'll find yourself again.  

Its so unreal how what you described seems so exactly what i have experienced
I know for a facf she has cheated on me numerous times
I do not know why i kept forgiving her and trying to make it work
I know how she did it, shes a very attractive girl and is the centre of any social event or gathering
Men are drawn to her and she knows it
Despite her craziness and cheating i still hung in, im actually struggling to even understand that
I poured every ounce of me into this and yet i feel it was a complete waste of my time and energy

Hi Andy,

Little to add other than "exactly the same to me". Although I received " best person I have ever met" shortly before I was replaced.

All of us process in different ways, and learn our own lessons. My advice was be not to ruminate too much or put yourself in her shoes. It's not good being in a sick person's mind.
 

Hi Andy,
Yeah, from what I've experienced and from what I've been reading here, it seems like we've all had the same things happen to us.  Sometimes I'm reading someone's story and I think, "Wow, sounds like we were involved with the same person."  But I guess that what symptoms are.  The same set of symptoms apply to a certain disorder and that's how the disorder is defined. 

But as someone just wisely said, "It's not good to be in the mind of a sick person."  Because I often think that I could get really angry at her, but then I remember that she has a personality disorder.  She's really lost and needs professional help.  From what I've read, and from what she's told me, she got this way because she was denied nurturing when she was a baby.  I have compassion for that, but I also know that no amount of love or compassion can cure her.  She needs to learn how to manage her emotions, and there are therapies for that.  But she has to take the initiative.   She has to want that. 

Do something nice for yourself this week, and let me know how you're doing.

Thankyou for the messages of support and advice, i really appreciate it
I absolutely know my main priorities are to stay away and focus on me
I also understand theres a process and it will take time
Part of me is angry with her,  but as has been said, she isnt doing this on purpose, its an illness,  i cant fix it, never thought i could tbh,  but part of me thought if i loved her enough...
But this been addesssed here also, so i will follow the advice here to the best of my ability and take it one day at a time
I hope she doesnt contact me for some time(if ever) because right now my inclinations are to talk to her and that's clearly inadvisable,  just hurts like hell

This is without doubt the most difficult day so far
I'm experiencing pain like I've never known
We had been close to breaking so many times , sometimes days went by and very little contact, but there was always contact
I am maintaining no contact at the moment but its is just terrible
I've read so much on the site today to try to make sense of things
So many times I said to myself in the past, get out of this, but I had poured every ounce of energy I had into it, for 3 years, and felt surely I deserve something from that
But it was as if the small negative things about me far outweighed the many good and positive and loving things I brought to the relationship
Of course I'm venting now, its as if I've been completely wiped from her life and that I meant nothing, I cant even begin to explain just how much I gave, I nearly lost family, I lost some friends ( some longtime friends), all out of loyalty to her and my commitment to us
Yes I'm in pain, I'm frustrated , I'm angry all blended into one mess of agony
Please tell me this gets better

It does, Andy, with time. My pwBPD did the same to me. Right before she broke up with me, she accused me of the most trivial things, and later I found out it was because she was already dating her new man, and was just finding fault with me so that she could move on without feeling too much guilt. It's not about us, everything the pwBPD does is about her, and it's extremely selfish. The way I eventually got out of the agony was to remind myself that the last thing I need is to punish myself with her mistakes. She is not my woman, and it's easier for me to just let her go.

Best wishes.

Thankyou for that

Feel better this morning
What I am remembering a lot is the bizarre behaviour she displayed time and time again
Irrational thoughts about very ordinary situations
Paranoia, exaggerated thinking, mellow drama, extreme over reaction to minor issues
The continuous feeling I had that I was walking on eggshells and wondering when the next outburst was going to come
One time, only a few months ago, I had just got a new car and wasn't quite used to it. We were going somewhere and I got into the car and started the engine waiting on her to get in.
I had forgotten to hit the unlock button twice so that all the doors opened( it was a new car) so when she went to open the passenger door to get in it was locked. I quickly realised and pressed the unlock button
When she got in I immediately saw that crazed look on her face as she screamed at me for deliberately locking her out to wind her up. She continued screaming at me as we drove off.
I stayed calm, I always did, and tried to point out my oversight
She continued screaming, I went quiet, this was the norm. 5 mins later she apologises and says she realises I didn't do it on purpose but to pay more attention...crazy   :(
I have had a lucky escape,I know this
Hopefully today will be a better day

it does get better. it absolutely does. i was in my relationship for about the same amount of time. it felt, sometimes, like id never get through it. i had close loved ones that would tell me, later on, that they worried that id never make it through it. its been around 10 years, and its ancient history now.

one thing that helped me was just knowing that sometimes, at least in some ways, that it would get worse before   it got better, that id be all over the place. having an idea of what to expect helped, and sometimes that meant expecting the unexpected.

its hard to get over a three year relationship, man, especially one you had so much invested in. you have to grieve, you have to start your life over, find new normals, and it all comes in bits and pieces, progress is rarely, if ever, what you would hope for.

Yes i know it will be a traumatic path
Someone said in another thread that they get over us quickly and they are always in survival mode
That resonates so much with me as I always felt that life for her seemed to be a daily battle for survival
Nothing was simple, every small issue was a drama and there was a massive overreaction to even the smallest problem
Im finding solace to a degree in not having the drama anymore, and realising that the girl I was in love with actually doesn't exist except in the fleeting moments we had during those 3 years...

Hi Andy

I am glad you feel better today.   

Like many others, I read your post and it sounds exactly like what I went through with my ex.  We were together for 10 months, with a 5 month lead in/overlap with his previous partner whilst he chased me.  He left 8 weeks ago and was with someone else within a month (or maybe before he left me, who knows,I try not to thin about it).

Today I feel...happy.  It is the first time in months that I can say that. It feels good. 

What I want to say to you is, next time you feel like you did yesterday (and I know this is hard) try to remind yourself that it will pass and tomorrow will be better (just like today is). And during those heart wrenching really low days, cry, let it out - it needs to come out. Acknowledge your feelings, what you are feeling is normal (when recovering from an ex with BPD) and part of the healing process.


Take care of yourself - the more I eat and sleep, and spend time with friends, living in the moment, the better I feel.  You will get through this.

Andy,

I'm sorry to hear that you're having such a tough time now. I can identify with so much of what you said because a lot of the same things happened to me back in April of this year. Maybe you've seen my threads "trying to survive and keep moving forward part 1" and part 2 with the same title. I'm here to tell you that the pain we've all felt does get easier. I still have my moments, but have really started to come out of this on the other side.

My difficult journey with me uBPD ex-g/f started about 5 months ago. We had been dating for nearly two years (have known her for 20 years), and were just about to get engaged. I had bought a ring in late February and was waiting for the right time to propose to her. Her up and down behavior, constantly changing viewpoints and goals, lack of motivation to improve her life for herself and her children, and her refusal to return for professional help held me back on proposing to her. I just didn't want to enter into a marriage without those issues being resolved, because I knew it would make things harder instead of better. We had this discussion together several times. She also told me many times that she needed to return to therapy because things were eating her up inside only to say a day or two later she was fine. During her early childhood, she was sexually abused for two years and didn't have a good home life with her folks from the time she was  born until she was six years old due to her parents drug use. So there was a lot of childhood trauma.

One day in early April she came to my home out of the blue burst into tears and gave me the "either we get engaged or I'm done" ultimatum then proceeded to tell me "I would go anywhere or do anything to be married to you. What is your problem?" Once again  I reminded her that I was greatly concerned about her refusal to address her emotional problems and that I didn't want to bring all of that into a marriage. I told her I'd stand beside her while she sorted all of that out and that I just wanted her to be a whole person. She disagreed and said that she was nothing wrong with her, that's just the way she was, and counselors didn't work for her. I asked her if she would go to couples counseling with me, and she agreed to that.  As she was walking out my door, she said "you know what you need to do to get me back" meaning give me the ring.

We talked on and off for the next couple of weeks. During one of our phone conversations after the initial breakup, she went off on me and devalued me saying that I "dragged her down", "no longer made her happy" and that my anxiety over her emotional issues "drove her crazy." We still planned on going to couples therapy, and I found a counselor that was willing to do virtual sessions due to Covid. My ex-g/f and I talked on a Tuesday afternoon, and she said to call or text her in a couple of days. I sent her a text that Friday night to see if I could call her but got no answer.

She sent me a text the following morning to say that she was on a date the previous night. Turns out, it was the rebound guy that she dumped to date me back in 2018. Needless to say I was heartbroken after I heard that. Then she proceeded to tell me that we were no longer compatible and that she couldn't see a future for us together any longer. I received no empathy from her whatsoever that morning, except her telling me that I was "a wonderful and amazing man."  This all came from someone that told me I was the love of her life, the best man she ever dated, her soulmate, the man of her dreams, etc. right up until the very end. She also said that she would never give up on me and wanted for us to be together forever. How in the world could all of this be I kept asking myself. When I asked her how her opinion of me changed overnight, all she could say was "I don't have the energy for that and can't answer anymore questions." To this day, she's still with this rebound guy, and I've heard from some of her family and friends that she's trying to get him to marry her now. I've seen her in passing a few times since the breakup, and she looks very unhealthy physically and emotionally. She's put on a tremendous amount of weight in the 5 months since we split, and her family has told me that she is acting very flighty and emotionally worn out. I pray that one day she decides to get help for herself. I also heard that she was talking to three other guys while she was hooking up with the rebound guy. For all I know she probably kept in touch with all of these men for the duration of our relationship. I'll never know, and the fact of the matter is I probably don't want to know.

Through my own therapy that I started about 4-5 weeks after the breakup, I've learned that my ex-g/f most likely has BPD and these are typical characteristics. I really suffered for the first two months and did not start to really feel better until the 3 month mark after the breakup. I literally thought my my whole world was coming to an end.  Weekly counseling sessions and the folks in this forum have been a huge help to me. I don't know where I'd be without either one of them. I also spend a lot of time in the evenings after dinner hiking on trails in the woods. That helps me a lot mentally and physically as well.  There's days that I still miss her terribly for the great times we had together and the times that she was doing well emotionally. Now that I'm out of the relationship, I can see that the negatives outweighed the positives and all of the red flags that existed.  I'm here to tell you that it will and does get better with time. Please consider finding a counselor for yourself and post in here as much as you need to. We're all listening to you.

Best wishes for a better day today.

Hi Andy,
I know what you're saying.  It took me a long time to get out, and I'm still struggling every now an then, especially since my ex likes to contact me and tell me about her new boyfriends.  Just this morning she called to tell me about a new one who lives in some other country.


  As you mentioned, you lost a lot of good friends and family because of loyalty to her.  I'm guessing that means that she had conflict with these people and demanded that you end your friendships.  This is what my ex tried to do to me, so I'm guessing that's what happened with you.  Intellectually, you know that this is a bad situation, but you're heart is telling you something else. 

Here's what helped me.  Every time I get a call from her, I sit back and remember exactly what I would be in for if I went over there.  I would have to sit there and make sure I didn't do anything to set her off.  What you said about the car door is a good example of the walking on eggshells thing.  Then she would start in on trying to force me to dump a good friend of mine.  I'm not going to do that, and when I think about the stupid, pointless, argument that would ensue, I would just rather stay home.  That helps me with the hurt a lot.  Also, I have a voice message from her that I kept.  In the message she details how great her relationship is with this other guy, who may or may not still be with her.  All I have to do is listen to that message, and I don't miss her so much. 

Try to remember how she interfered with your friends and family.  And you have all of us to talk to as well. 

All of the replies are greatly appreciated
Even though today has been better i have still struggled a lot
But i realise ultimately that she is not good for me and any return would just come full circle
Many things came to light during our 3 years, secrets and lies about her past that she either told me or i discovered
That also chipped away at my view of her , yet i still stayed and tried to make it work
I was just so completely smitten, when shes good shes amazing,  but when shes bad its horrendous, and towards the end the bad far outweighed the good
I just have to focus on the reasons why we cannot work as thats the only way
What i need to understand is how women like this draw us in so completely ?

That's a good question.  I think in my case it was because, at first, she kept calling me and asking me to come over or to do something with her.  She was fun and exciting.  She laughed a lot and made jokes.  I fell for her "damsel in distress" routine.  She would ask me to help her do things from set up her new computer to helping her find an attorney. 

I'm guessing she's luring other men to her with promises of sex and money.  That never worked on me, but I think it works pretty well on these other guys.

And that's why we fall for them.  They seem to instinctively know what buttons to push.

I wonder that all the time myself.  If you ever figure it out, please let me know. My ex-g/f to intoxicated me with her affection on days that she was healthy, and I’ve never had a woman look at me the way that she did. Remembering those days makes it hard to forget her sometimes, but it gets a little better each day. Like you with your ex, I realize we never could have had a healThy relationship. BPD people think finding someone else and moving on From us is going to solve their internal issues. That’s simply not the case. Now their new victims will end up paying the price. In the case of my exes new man, I have little to no sympathy for him since he went back for more.

This is like a scary rollercoaster
Today im at rock bottom again
Probably prompted by receiving a message from her, only a brief one, a thankyou in response to the last message i had sent straight after we broke up where i had said i would always be there for her
I had felt it a dignified thing to do , but i believed it would be the last piece of communication and i didnt expect a reply
So to receive a ' thankyou ' weeks later has knocked me off balance
I realise  now the benefit of no contact but its incredibly difficult ...

Sorry to hear that you're having a difficult day. It's odd that she would wait that long to reply to your message. How you feel is perfectly normal. Things like that would trigger me in a bad way at least three months after the breakup with my ex. Just seeing her car parked next door to me at her parents would send me to a bad place for at least a couple of days. No contact is definitely the way to go, and it's a huge step that you can realize that at this point. It was between 1.5 and 2 months after the breakup that I realized NC was the route I needed to go to get past this.

A bizarre thing happened last night before I went to bed regarding my ex. I removed her from all of my social media and all of our photos together during the last part of May, but I did not block her.  I've made no effort to contact her since the first week of May even though she continued to like and at times comment on my social media up until the time that I removed her. She and I have a mutual friend that announced she was having a baby last evening on social media. I liked this friend's post and offered my congratulations. Shortly before going to bed, I got a notification saying that my ex liked my congratulations post on this friend's social media page. I just chuckled and shook my head. Maybe this is one of the "pings" that BPD people like to do following the end of a relationship. Who knows?

Hi Andy,
I hope today is a better day for you.  Interesting that she responded to your text weeks later.  My ex does things like this as well.  She's had two other guys move in with her, yet she still called me all the time.  I think what's going on is that people with BPD like to keep a reserve of "possibilities" so that when one relationship fails, they can quickly have a replacement.  When you can stand back and look at this situation objectively, it's very sad for them to have to live that way. 

Again I'll encourage you to talk to your friends and go out an do something if you can.  Be good to yourself.

BlueSpring

Im very close to my son and his wife, they have known things were bad for a long time
They check on me regularly
My daughter in law is livid with her for sending the message and says i should block her
But I can't make that step just yet even though the message really effected me

Am i wrong to feel that nothing she said to me about being completely in love with me is true
How do you just stop loving someone
Despite all she said and done on me i still love her,  i cant just switch those feelings off
Yet she seems to have forgotten i even existed in her life
Im starting to remember more clearly all the bad times tough, the cruel ways she pushed me away because she couldnt handle minor disagreements
The numerous times she cheated on me then blatantly lied about it despite  there being no doubt
The things i discovered about her past which showed that none of what i was experiencing was unique to me
The many many times she became overwhelmed by small issues and often used the phrase ' Im so weepy today'  she knew i would be there to console her and make things better
Part of me is enjoying the quiet, the calm..
Part of me is yearning to hold her and be in that place where i believed totally that she was the love of my life
However its clear, despite her saying it many times, i wasnt hers...

Im not sure i can do th8s for much longer
Im missing her so much and am in so much pain
So many times today ive been closecto texting her
Just to have communication
Really really struggling

So i messaged her
So stupid
No reply,
Wish i hadnt but i was drinking and got into a dark place
Posted stupod things on FB , friends and family calling me to see if im ok
Im not

Sorry to hear, Andy.

My wisdom around texting is this.

She won't give you closure.
She will feel powerful when you text.
You will feel worthless when she either a) doesn't reply or b) blames everything on you.

If you don't text or post things on social media that show her she still has you hooked, she will start to stalk you and wonder what is going on with you. Mine left me for another guy (the one she cheated with) and stalked me online / contacted my friend to get a reaction. I've given her no reason to believe I even care - despite living in pain every day for six months. I get small happiness from the fact I assume she is frustrated by this, while contacting her would make her feel powerful (and she'd inevitably ignore me :) ).

Don't. Message.

how are you doing today, andy?

Hi Andy,
Sorry I haven't been around for a few days.  I'm having issues with my ex too.  She's back with some guy she was with last summer.  She threw out a guy who came across country to live with her.  He stayed with her for 6 weeks before that blew up, and now she's got this other guy back.  I'll post it all on a new thread.

I know you're hurting, and I just want to say how sorry I am.  I hope things get better for you.  If your ex is really BPD, I'm pretty sure this new thing won't work out for her either.  I think the only people who can put up with that kind of behavior are people who have no self-esteem to begin with, and they don't believe they deserve better, or people who are plotting to take advantage.   If you're neither, then staying with her will just suck the life out of you.  I mean, would you really be better off with her?  You would spend your life denying yourself and walking on eggshells.  Even then, she would still turn on you.

I hope things get better for you soon.

So ive had a tough few days
I git really stupid, posting things on FB, messaging her etc
Just losing the plot
Ive tried in the last few days to make sense of everything
Her moving on so quickly really hurt more than i ever imagined
Even though i knew it was inevitable
She replied to my drunken message tonight, apologising but still deflecting for the reasons we split
Friends and family have been lately which is wonderful
Regret after regret though , need to stop looking back

i know how hard this is.

lean on your support system.

an ex romantic partner, as the source of our pain, is just not in a position to help us heal.

and youre kicking yourself for reaching out to her.


post the questions and the things youre working through. there are members that are walking, or have walked in your shoes, and can help you make sense of things. i was with my ex for three years, and she jumped into a new relationship immediately, too  :hug:

Theres no doubt that the most difficult thing is her new relationship
It completely dilutes everything we had for 3 years
We 'broke up' so many times during the 3 years but it never felt like it was truly over,
Every time she reached out and i was there, hoping she had realised the error of her ways and  she would apologise and tell me i didnt deserve what she had said or done
Im reading lots about how her actions were actually the truth and that the words meant nothing
That hurts also as i feel like a complete idiot for believing and putting so much energy and emotion into something that wasnt real
Ive never felt so alone in my life

Hi Andy
I am sorry that you are feeling alone. Please know that you are not alone, we are here with you, and you will get through this.

Her actions were the truth - that's one of my mantras and I needed to read it today.
You are not an idiot for believing what she said, people with BPD are very skilled at saying exactly the right things and the attention and good times are addictive. You are a kind, decent person who tried to have a relationship that would develop and strengthen over time as you helped each other grow. You just happened to meet someone who is disordered and not capable of personal growth.  Please don't be too hard on yourself, this relationship was a lesson, not a life sentence, even if it doesn't feel that way right now.

On the subject of actions being the truth and words meaning nothing.  What I tell myself is that his actions were/are the truth (since he left, and when we were together) and that is why it is best that the r/s has ended. However, during the idealisation phase/s I think he meant it when he said he would love me forever, this was the happiest he'd ever felt etc. - he meant it at the time, as much as an emotionally immature person can mean it. I'm not sure if that helps you or not, but it has helped me.

I had to communicate with her last night as she has something belonging to me that I want back
But it was brief and no talk of us
But im on a real emotional roller coaster
Today I have been up and down
Trying to focus on the fact that I'm definitely better off out of the relationship
It was truly toxic
Way more bad than good
That helps until the reality of never seeing her again hits home and it hurts like hell

@andy1963
Im in the same boat, trying not to message her again but I may do it just out of my own lack of control

Been there for sure. Let us know if you need some support.

Your human.
Your hurt and reached out.
  No response is what I got when I felt down and reached out.
   Get some sleep regroup for another day.
  I have had people (therapists, sponsors, etc) Kinda scold me and say “you keep talking about HER, I want to hear about you. 
 You’ll get to the you stage at some point when that statement sinks in.
  I catch myself (kinda ) now when I think about her and my thoughts start spiraling. I’ll say to myself “like she is thinking about me at all, this is stupid”.
It seemed selfish at first , though we all need to feel good about ourselves first. (I am about half way through that concept).
  Take care of “you”.
And give yourself a break for the missteps. Everyone is human.
 

I think the hardest part for me also was reconciling how a woman could shower me with so much love and praise, telling me she'd never leave me, and end up doing just that without so much as a care in the world after sleeping in my bed for two years straight and almost velcro-ing herself to my side. I don't think all of it was fake, I just think their emotions are so fragile that they can go from idealization to devaluation in the blink of an eye. That old "it's a thin line between love and hate" thing. There wasn't even an event that I can remember that caused her to leave. I don't think she even knows why. I think she made a rash decision and realized she messed it all up.

Thats the thing that im struggling to reconcile
My feelings were 100% real, through time and with her constant abuse it started to chip away at my resolve and commitment,  but i still completely love her
Im actually in physical pain every day at the moment,  wishing she would communicate with me but knowing that its best that she doesnt
I am trying so hard to not think about her and the times we spent together
It helps sometimes to focus on the many times she made me feel like absolute crap as it brings me back to the frequent times i said to myself  'get out of this'
Yet i kept accepting her apologies,  her brief periods of remorse and making up to me.
I know that whoever she is with now will be at the point i was 3 years ago, thinking she is amazing, beautiful and charismatic,  i wonder how long before she turns on him, because she will
For the first 6 weeks of our relationship i believed i had met the girl of my dreams.
But suddenly,  one night, completely out of the blue, she showed her true colours, gaslighting,  verbally abusing me, i was completely gobsmacked as it was completely without reason and made no sense
I should have a walked away then, i should have walked away many many times, but kept going back, ive actually lost count of the times this happened
I just need the pain to stop to allow me to move on properly

no doubt. mine were too.

and i would suggest that the feelings of my ex and yours, were 100% real too.

would you believe me if i tell you that one year from now, five years from now, ten years from now, your feelings wont be the same? the promises you made, the expressions of love that you gave, will not mean the same things to you as they did at the time.

feelings grow, and they fade. they expand and they shrink. they make room for new information and experience, or they close it off.

its the same for our ex romantic partners, but its two different human beings, on a different time line, experiencing different things, and all the more so when your partner has traits of bpd. all the more so when there are multiple breakup/makeup cycles in a relationship. that was hard for me to get my mind around. it was hard for me to swallow.


i said the same thing.

what i didnt realize at the time is that pain is a necessary part of grief.

you move through it. you dont make it go away, and then begin to move.

i know that isnt of any comfort right now, and believe me when i say i know how painful this can be. what im saying is that the pain really does serve a purpose. the more you are able to face it, head on, the less impact it has, the more it dissipates, and the stronger you become.

Ok
Big mistake today
She messaged me saying she wanted to speak to me
All my instincts said i shouldn't but i did
I knew before we even met that she wanted to let me know she'd moved on with someone else
How the hell is telling me that meant to help me?
I already knew, i even had guessed correctly who it was
How completely crazy is she to think that telling me was a kind thing to do
She said she didnt want me finding out from someone else
I have no contact with her circle of so that was unlikely
Why the hell did i go...feeling completely messed up right now

your conversations are so familiar - I know its hard but the erratic and neurotic behavior was there long before you even knew them. Think about being in a long term relationship 15 or more years with your girlfriend  like many are on this site ,then waking up one day to see how much of those years you spent on a relationship that has been one sided all those years and will never have true intimacy. Once you finally get some space and clear the fog and the cobwebs of a very dysfunctional relationship you will find peace. I sleep very well now after 4 months of separation from a 20 year marriage in which the last 2 years were full of some terrible things that she did against our marriage .   I will not go back to that life and I chose to move forward and I am able to talk to my wife  - but I have to deal with her like  child. A kind word will go much further than anger , rage and bitterness - but you must work through it.

I knew before meeting her this was her plan
Im angry with myself for not sticking to my guns
I was in a good place and was starting to feel better
This has set me back massively
Im reading a lot about object constancy which was clearly a big element for us with her
Also its now very clear im a codependent enabler
So I am going to have to work very hard on that issue for myself

I have to agree with grumpydonut.  Don't message.  My ex has me on the deep freeze right now, and I tried to message her a few times to no avail.  She has me blocked.  And she has put me in a very bad position financially by reneging on a deal she made with me.  I'm not going to feed either her BPD needs nor his NPD ego.  To Hell with both of them.

I've decided that I have to force myself to move on.  She has broken my heart beyond belief, she's involved with a predatory Narcissist, and her health is failing.  There's nothing I can do, and I just have to learn to live with all of this.

Eventually enough time will pass for all of us.  We'll heal, but it's strange how much healing hurts until it's complete.

Hi
I was hoping to get some thoughts on withdrawal symptoms
I'm really struggling with a number of physical issues right now, a constant ache in my chest, palpitations constantly, extreme bouts of crying without warning
A thought about her will come into my head and I just lose all control
I'm so worried that these feelings are overwhelming me and how do I control them
Also I'm really not sleeping as I'm constantly thinking about everything, wondering what she is doing, wondering if she is showering the new guy with the love and idolisation that used to be mine
I know this is bad thinking, need some direction before I go crazy

Andy, I can assure you it will get better. I had some horrific physical symptoms after she left me. Sleeping in the bed alone after having her next to me for 2 years was a nightmare for a while. I would wake up in the middle of a night terror, in a full panic, jumping out of bed and trying to catch my breath. I had terrible heart palpitations and was trembling with anxiety. Some nights I couldn't even fall asleep until the wee hours of the morning. The bed was no longer comfortable, and it felt like a chore to try to sleep. In hindsight, I wish I would have sought a counselor to work through what was going on.

Insofar as wondering what she's doing with a new guy, it's best to try to put those thoughts out of your mind. You know what kind of person she is. I imagined what my ex was doing at times, but that wasn't what really derailed me. The loss itself was the painful part, knowing that I could never go back to her after she left. I am not somebody who reaches out or tries to woo somebody back. I have realized after almost 3 years of no contact that she's not the kind of woman I want or need. Somebody who runs into the arms of another so quickly? Gross.

Sent my long gone spouse a birthday greeting email last night.
Just “happy birthday” “hope your well”.
  Last year I sent her flowers after being assaulted hahah.
And then for a response got a scathing voicemail that the flowers “died”.
 I mean why bother reaching out.  I still shake my head at the flowers dying comment. I mean like really? 
  I’m still thinking of her every day though. She was powerful. Gonna take a long time to feel grounded again.
  Actually really busy work wise and have a job offer to mull over.
  Think I’ll stay independent contractor and politely decline. I need my quiet time to get myself mentally better. 
  Longest I have been alone in 40 years.
Not so awful.

Hi Andy,
I can relate on the withdrawal, the heart palpitations, insomnia, and crying jags.  I have them all.  And I keep thinking about her with that Narcissist.  I go from sad to hate in 0 to 60.

I had to call out for work tonight because the heart palpitations are causing lightheadedness.  I have a prescription tranquilizer for that.  But I've been through a lot of discussions with my doctor about this and other anxiety problems I have.  I wouldn't recommend medication unless you talk to a doctor in depth about everything. 

A therapist once recommended journaling, and I found that helpful in the past.  If you honestly write down everything, you can look back and see the relationship for what it was.  I'm going to start doing that tonight.  As you write it down and then read back through your own thoughts and feelings, you can get clarity about how things really were.

As for thoughts about the other guy, remember that pwBPD have unstable relationships, and the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior.  In other words, he's going to get exactly what you got.  Since my ex left me, she's destroyed one guy, and she's working on the next.  This latest one is a lying, grandiose Narcissist, so he'll hang on for a bit longer until she splits and blows up on him.  She can say some very cutting things, and when she exposes him as a phony, he'll snap too.  He'll cheat, he'll become cold, or he'll just leave.  And she'll go berserk with abandonment issues.  It's all going be a giant mess, and I'll be far away.

So remember, that a pwBPD won't have a stable relationship without committing to therapy.

I didn't mean to dump that on you.  I was just trying to help you feel better.  Try the journaling.   

Thankyou all for your input,  its really invaluable
I have had a realy up and down day with waves of emotion
But the thing I keep trying to focus on us how many times I felt that I needed out of the relationship
Everyone around me is saying how bad she was for me
I absolutely know she'll do exactly the same with the new guy because its her nature
I was sorely tempted to go speak to the ex before me to ask of he has the same experience but I already know the answer
She has such a history of chaos,  in fact that was what chipped away at me eventually and made me pull away  which precipitated the breakup
So I know ultimately im better off now

Ive spent time trying to understand the nature of our constant breakups and recycling
Its become so clear to me that so many times when she pushed me a way and became verbally aggressive with me was in moments or peiods when things seemed to be calm, loving and really good
I would often say to her at these moments,  'We were in such a lovely place, why did you do that?'
Key for me here is the fact that at these times i was constantly walking on eggshells as i had learnt that this was the most delicate time for us
I wanted the loveliness to continue, but clearly there was nothing i could do in these circumstances as her abandonment issues would become heightened at these times.
Because those moments were so good and powerful it overwhelmed her and her bpd instincts kicked in
Such a shame, as there were times it was beautiful

what sort of things happened?

it might help to talk more about it.

We went away on a trip to London one time, on our first day we went for a walk, had lunch, then went and booked tickets for a show
We went back to our hotel, had the most amazing sex, then fell asleep.
When i woke i realised we had less then an hour to shower , get ready and get to the theatre
So we quickly got showered, dressed and made our way quickly down to the street to walk to the theatre which was about 20 min walk
We had literally just begun walking when she said ' you didnt tell me i looked lovely?'
I looked at her quizzically and said, ' sorry sweetheart,  we were in such a rush, of course you look amazing '
That was the switch flicked
She began to verbally abuse me, saying all men are the same, all they want is sex and they dont give a PLEASE READ (https://bpdfamily.com/safe-site.htm) about anything. That all i wanted her for was sex and she wanted to go home
This carried on until the interval of the show
At one point she told me to go away and leave  her there,  which i would never have done
During the interval we barely spoke, she then said, im flying home tomorrow,  you can stay
I just looked at her in disbelief but didnt reply.
Then back in for the show
Suddenly she put her hand on mine and looked at me mouthing, 'im sorry,'
The show ended we went for a meal, i looked at her over the table and asked her what had caused that, we were having such a lovely time?
She  said, 'it comes over me like a wave and i cant control it'
I then promised to help her if she was prepared to seek help
She agreed, but after a few therapy sessions she went into denial and episodes like that happened many many times
I could give countless examples similar, times when her rage was uncontrollable,  the look in her eyes at these times was frightening
I actually said she had two personalities,  i even gave her angry personality a name , Martha
Martha could never be reasoned with, it was impossible to get her to see sense. All i could do was back off until Martha went away
Then the apologies, the remorse
But very quickly the whole event was completely forgotten
I walked away so many times vowing never to return
But i kept going back...

I realise through reading a lot about this condition that these episodes are examples of 'splitting '
Her black and white thinking was so clear always
It was one of the things she was open about
I did try to understand the condition
But she would never stay on the treatment path so no matter how hard i tried it was always going to be futile

Andy

Welcome to the "house of pain"...it's like walking through a house of mirrors at the carnival trying to make sense of her distorted reality, discarding, splitting and every other term you can think of to describe the behavior of one with BPD.

My wife uBPD wife of 18 years is not much different than the character you describe. She has discarded me and in her world I am black as the darkest night. I am working out of state and the only contact she has with me is through texting now. She will text about household stuff that requires my attention and then when I think we are done, she follows up with a last "punch to the gut" text about "when am I going to file for divorce?" "When will I take over some of the household matters as we further disentangle from eachother?" WTF...
Why can't she just text and leave things be?

I genuinely feel your Yo-Yo of emotions, the temptation to reach out to her, knowing the outcome will not be good...the hollowness...the deep pain as if someone just plunged a dagger in your heart. It's all very hurtful and they will not help you work through it. They won't help you understand, they won't explain why they do what they do...maybe they don't know themselves either.

I wish you comfort, solace and that you gain back some hope. An old friend told me a long time ago after a relationship ended for me...he said "next year all of this will be a distant memory"...I wish this for you and for all of us.

Hang in there and leave her be. Don't give her the power.

Your trip to London and her behavior reminds me of times with my ex. Once I took her to the ocean and she was acting cold, distant and upset the whole time. When I finally tried to get to the bottom of it she said it was because "you didn't hold my hand." This is a woman who would oftentimes disappear when we were in the same store shopping together. She was always off wandering on her own, yet I wasn't a mind-reader and didn't hold her hand once so she ruined the whole trip.

I remember another time I took her to a nice lunch and planned a walk on a long trail. I asked the waitress if the trail was accessible from the parking lot or if we'd have to drive. The waitress said we'd have to drive across the interstate because there was no way to reach it on foot. We got in the car and she pitched a fit. It was so bad I finally said "we're going home, I'm not walking today." She sulked in the car the entire time and I finally stopped at a beautiful public garden and asked if she'd like to take a walk. We did and after that she apologized and thanked me. She was like a pouting child.

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