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Title: My ex being borderline has made me see my mother is too Post by: Thornton on September 12, 2020, 04:20:42 AM I am 1.5 years out of a relationship with a bpd comorbid npd partner of 4 years. I have been in therapy for 1.5 years. In our last session I said ‘I have even looked up quiet borderline’ in terms of mum. He responded with...a sigh and reticent excitement (?) and then, ‘funny you should say that, but I have been thinking that that might be the case.’
I guess I was a bit shocked. Is it normal for a girl with a bpd mother to attract a bpd partner? All my partners have had anger issues or either depression,npd and or bpd. Does this mean I have bpd? I am now hoping to look at my own behaviour to see if I do. I don’t think I do but have certainly shown bpd traits in the past. I have a son. I DO NOT want to model behaviours if this to him. I gave changed my parenting already when I have seen that things don’t work and he seems happy and settled in himself. He trusts me and we talk about behaviours he sees in my mum and I tell him he has done nothing wrong and he is good and true in himself. It’s all just a bit of a shock. I feel overwhelmed. I just want to be a good mum. Title: Re: My ex being borderline has made me see my mother is too Post by: Notwendy on September 12, 2020, 07:55:09 AM Is it normal for a girl with a bpd mother to attract a bpd partner?
Yes, you are normal and while I would not say that attracting a BPD partner is "normal" I will say it is common. The good news is that we can work on our own relationship skills and change this. You likely don't have BPD but have learned some behaviors growing up that might make it likely to match up with someone with BPD. Growing up with a BPD parent, I think we have a different sense of "normal" and may tolerate these behaviors - because they are familiar to us and we also had to tolerate them- while other people would not. So, when dating someone with BPD, someone else might decide to not continue the relationship but if we don't see these behaviors as abnormal, and they feel familiar to us, we might continue the relationship. We also might have some co-dependent and enabling behaviors and that makes us attractive to someone with BPD. Don't blame yourself. As a child of a BPD parent, we learned these behaviors in our families- they were the "normal". It can take some counseling to unlearn them but it can be done and is worth it, to avoid being in a similar relationship pattern with someone else. |