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After a crisis of 2.5 days with persistent attacks against me, things have calmed down.  In fact, we are in close contact right now and my sister is expressing great appreciation for me and even once apologized very generally.  I am glad for that but at the same time angry.  I know a crisis like this will occur again AND I am tired of the more daily things -- the constant complaining about others, the anger she has towards our parents (her anger is just, but better shared with a therapist than with me (over and over), the unwillingness to look inward for the source of problems, and the allusions to narratives that put me in the wrong and that she clearly still is holding on to. 

I love her, but, boy!

Hi wantmorepeace. Just want to say I hear you. Your post is another one I could have written word for word. Almost thought I did write it.

You’re angry, and it sounds justified. One thing that I took away from your post is that you didn’t say much about yourself and your feelings. I think you should.

Good point.  My feelings now are different than when I wrote this.  At the time, anger, fear, resentment, being trapped...

Now I can see more blue sky -- more possibility of me feeling better over time no matter what happens.  I know I am handling things better now than I did ten years ago.  I just wish the change was bigger. 

So you have done nothing.

I don't understand what you're asking...

Could you try setting a boundary?  Or do you already do this maybe?

For example, until the past year, it felt to me like all I ever heard from my uBPD mom was negativity, complaints, criticisms etc.  I got so tired of it, I didn't want to see her, because it's just not enjoyable being around such a negative person.  It's so draining, and sucked the life right out of me (and had been for years).

So one day I said, "Mom it makes me unhappy when all we talk about is negative things... I would like to talk about positive things instead."  Then I changed the subject to something positive.

I statements can be quite effective.

Of course the pwBPD's behavior is a habit for them, so we must be a bit patient when reinforcing our boundaries.  Reminders may be needed (repeat the I statement over different visits).  Use the broken record technique, then perhaps try changing the topic?

My mom likes to gossip about other people.  Personally, I have no time for this and get no satisfaction from it.  It's another form of negativity, so one day when she started on about someone, I said "mom, I'm not comfortable talking about other people when they are not present.  Let's talk about something else" and then I changed the topic.

I keep the boundaries simple, and short.  Avoid explaining.  If they push back, don't argue, but just calmly restate your boundary.  If she escalates, maybe look at your watch and say, "oh! I have to go now".  In other words make up an excuse to leave the situation calmly.   This is a consequence which supports your boundary.  

Eventually, they learn boundaries, especially if they "need" us for any reason (physically, socially, emotionally).  My mom is 84 and really relies on me for a lot.  If I keep "having to leave" every time she breaks by boundary, but I always "stay" when we talk about positive things, she will learn my boundary from natural consequences.

I also set a boundary for her raging at me.  I calmly told her after her last rage that "sometimes she just goes through a state where she needs to get angry and rage at someone. There are healthier ways to communicate.  I do not deserve to be treated like that, and I will not stand by and listen while she rages at me." Then I told her I needed to leave the situation.  I kept it short and simple.  I already had my shoes on, and I exited through her front door.  She was yelling horrible things at me as I left, but it didn't matter, because I held my boundary of not being mistreated.  Then I gave her lots of time to think, and self-soothe.  

Boundaries are for us, not the pwBPD.  We set our boundaries to keep ourselves feeling healthy.

Personal attacks, complaining, the anger and all that negative emotion and relationship drama can affect our own well-being.  I have found boundaries and not JADEing, to be super helpful tools in navigating my relationship with my mom. :hug:

I'm not sure if this is helpful or not.  Let us know how we can help! :love-it:

Thank you.  That's very helpful.  I did set boundaries, but I'm still not good at what I guess I would call my internal boundaries.  I stopped answering the texts and at one point even shut off my phone, but I still trembled anticipating them and seeing them.  Somehow I really internalize the attacks.