BPDFamily.com

Relationship Partner with BPD (Straight and LGBT+) => Romantic Relationship | Detaching and Learning after a Failed Relationship => Topic started by: DollyD on September 13, 2020, 11:08:08 PM



Title: Help for interacting with ex partner
Post by: DollyD on September 13, 2020, 11:08:08 PM
 :help:
First post...

I am seeking some support from people who have a loved one in their life who has BPD have suffered relentless abuse from them.

I have been seeing someone off and on for the past 2 years who I believe has very strong traits of BPD. However I am not a clinical psychologist so I am not qualified to make a diagnosis. Before I met him I had never heard of BPD, however he is obsessed with the disorder and claims his ex-wife has it, along with a string of other people he has fallen out with. He has diagnosed me with BPD. I have never told him that he displays traits as I don't think that would be helpful.

We have broken up and he switches between blocking me from every contact medium then appearing again some time later in I believe an attempt to reconcile but within 1-2 exchanges its all back on again. I just don;t know what to do and I also know that my responses aren't helping either of us. It is truly exhausting.

Most people (including a psychologist) tell me to just walk away and cut him from my life, and to be honest maybe that is best for both of us. However everyone else has turned their back on him, I don't want to be another person who has just casts him aside but the intense emotional abuse is very damaging for me.

Any advise would be much appreciated.

DD





Title: Re: Help for interacting with ex partner
Post by: BuildingFromScratch on September 14, 2020, 03:16:01 AM
I mean, people with BPD play the victim a lot, and will guilt trip you into thinking they've been mistreated their whole life. Most likely he has been a large part of the cause of any dysfunction, abuse and abandonment. In fact he probably ghosted/devalued people and then blamed them for abandoning him. All the stuff you believed that he told you, you might want to re-evaluate because if you research the disorder and look at your own relationship with him, then you can realize that he is lying to himself and you constantly.

You can't save someone that won't save themselves, and a person with BPD will generally blame everyone but themselves, and will not admit they are wrong and change their life. You'd be basically putting your energy into a black hole. You'd also be being codependent, because you'd be trying to rescue or fix him, or at the very least you'd be allowing yourself to be abused so you can not be the bad girl who abandons him.

It's not wrong to protect yourself from abuse. If you want to interact with him, you will be putting up with abuse, you will have to be super mature and informed, take nothing personally, put up with constant abandonment/connection, basically you will have to be calm while he does his crazy stuff constantly.

I spent like 3-4 years post break up wanting to rescue her, but now I realize it's pointless, and it's not good for me to be around her anymore. I respect and care about myself too much now to put myself through that again.


Title: Re: Help for interacting with ex partner
Post by: Lucky Jim on September 18, 2020, 03:12:06 PM
Excerpt
now I realize it's pointless, and it's not good for me to be around her anymore. I respect and care about myself too much now to put myself through that again.

Nicely said, BuildingFromScratch!

Excerpt
everyone else has turned their back on him, I don't want to be another person who has just casts him aside but the intense emotional abuse is very damaging for me.

Hey DollyD, Welcome!  It's no wonder that others have cast him aside, in order to protect themselves from abuse.   What keeps you hangin' on, as the song says?  It could be codependency, as BFS suggests.  It also sounds like you could benefit from good boundaries  (see tools, above).  It's time to put yourself first, in my view.

LuckyJim



Title: Re: Help for interacting with ex partner
Post by: Tram on October 05, 2020, 02:43:38 AM
[...] I just don;t know what to do [...]

Could you experiencing 'the F.O.G'?

[...] my responses aren't helping either of us. [...]

Could be... writing and reading here is not a bad start, I suppose...

[...] It is truly exhausting.[...]

Sounds like more 'F.O.G' to me...

[...] Most people [...] tell me to just walk away [...]

Sounds like you agree...

[...] I don't want to be another person who has just casts him aside [...]

I wonder how you made the connection - "I'm w¤Çalking away - therefore I'm casting him aside".
How about:
"
[...]the intense emotional abuse is very damaging for me.[...]
... I do not want to live that way and there is no good reason why I should.
Since boundaries are not being respected, walking away might be the only way to protect myself."

Reconsider your "O" = obligation.
Make sure your actions aren't driven by "F" = fear.


Title: Re: Help for interacting with ex partner
Post by: dindin on October 05, 2020, 03:34:12 AM
I have been seeing someone off and on for the past 2 years who I believe has very strong traits of BPD.

What makes you believe that? Is it important for you to have a confirmation of a diagnosis? What for? What would it make you feel or think if he had it confirmed? What would you think if he hadn't?

However everyone else has turned their back on him, I don't want to be another person who has just casts him aside

Why not? Surely if you had rotten food in your fridge you'd toss it out, right? Why is it different with people? What if the worst case scenario happens, and he is unable to cope without you, what does that have to do with you? Are you his keeper, is he a child? Do you feel your value as a person is linked to your "goodness"? Do you feel obligated to help others?
Do you magically-think that the goodness you give other people will one day be rewarded, by either someone else or yourself?

Is that a pattern in your life? How would you feel if the reverse was true, that your value as a person is linked to self-preservation and an ability to walk out on a whim? Would you consider that selfish? Why?