BPDFamily.com

Hey everyone, don't always feel like I'm in a place to post here but I thought I'd spill my guts a bit.

First I wanted to say that I have gained many things from this relationship (it's important not to forget that). I've gained self respect, boundaries, wisdom, self love, self responsibility, and I don't blindly trust people or think everyone is telling the truth all of the time any more.

But I have mostly been focused on what I've lost. I was a computer programmer and living with my best friend who employed me, with my ex-girlfriend. She let Racoons into our house at night, I think as some sort of thing to prevent my friend from convincing me to leave her, and she fought me and hit me physically one time pretty severely, then emotionally beat me down until I lost all of my will and just accepted everything. We lived in cold and squalor, and we couldn't even shower or use the bathroom because her letting Racoons in the house at night and feeding them froze our pipes. I regret not stopping her, I tried, but she just fought me until I had nothing left.

Then I was a walking corpse for like 8 more years (we were together for 10). I must admit I abused her, I didn't treat her very well sexually. Some of it because she told me to treat her how I did, and some of it because my anger for what she had done bled into it. It was very unhealthy. She also used sex to try to keep me with her while she was doing all this crazy stuff, and it worked. Don't really want to get into that very much.

I lost my best friend, my home and job and returned to Washington (from Boston), which is where I grew up. I had like 6 friends there who I had for years and had a blast with. They liked me, I liked them. But when I returned to Washington with my ex-girlfriend, I was a MUCH different person, both because I was being mistreated and because I was traumatized from what happened in Boston. I lost my cousin, and three of my friends fairly quickly, most because I was much different, much more depressed, cold, more anxious and kind of a zombie in some ways. The other two I lost recently, but the truth is in a lot of ways I lost them back then. Our relationships became very superficial, and they stopped respecting me. And I sort of ended it with them recently (it was mutual). Because I got tired of the lack of respect and inability to connect to them.

I also just lost precious years with my mom who I loved, who died 3.6 years ago, and who was a really fun gamer mom, it was something we had in common and would talk about a lot. Also my grammy died about a year after I returned to Washington and I was very very distant and cold to her. I feel a bit bad about it all.

Now a days, I struggle to connect to people and maintain relationships, I guess because I am still not through the trauma and sometimes the pain of it all is in my subconscious and it causes me to feel irritable, not trust others, and feel distant. I didn't used to have this problem. On the bright side I can sometimes connect to others (normally after a night like tonight, where I work through a lot of the pain about the relationship) But then the pain seeps back into my subconscious and I have to deal with again. I do feel like it's evolving, but it sure feels slow going.

I hope I can learn to connect with people more consistently, I hope I can learn to trust the right people (and not blindly trust the wrong people). I hope I can rekindle some of the things I lost and maybe connect to a friend or two that is worth my time. I hope I can reconnect to my passions again and have some fun. Maybe someday I'll want to pick up computer programming again. The truth though is I feel so exhausted from dealing with the trauma and dealing with all the stresses of life right now, it's hard to start something new.

Sorry if I put too much information in one post.

Thanks for reading.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Making sense of what happened to us is painful. We have to come to grips with things like the cost of these relationships. It's especially hard when people have passed on and there's no way to try to make up our time with them.

This issue is what finally got me to leave. I felt like I lost ten years with my loved ones and I didn't want to lose any more. Our time here is so short.

I know what you mean about being a different person. I've been told in a rather accusatory way that I used to be so (kind) (easy-going) (trusting) (secure) (strong) etc. This relationship has definitely changed me, but I have seen glimpses of my old self over the last few weeks and so I have hope that I'll find my way back to me. No doubt I'll find a wiser and more mature me. I am glad for that. But it's a very emotional, rocky road. I'm glad I have people here to accompany us on this journey. We'll get through it. There are many happy days ahead of us. Hang in there. We're with you.

Thanks for the well wishes and hopeful thoughts Shikai. I agree, I will connect to myself more and more. It has been happening, it just feels like it takes so damn long to work through these things, it gets kind of daunting.

How did you mistreat her sexually?

Hey BuildingFrom, Right, the price is high for staying in a BPD r/s, as you've discovered.  Yet now you're on the other side of it, which is a place of possibility.  Get back to being who you are at your core.  Strive for authenticity.  Become who you are, as Nietzsche said.  Now is a good time for you to follow the "golden threads" that constitute your life.  How did Theseus emerge from the Cave of the Minotaur?  By following the thread from Adiadne that he unspooled on the way in.  You've already met the Minotaur.  Are you ready to leave the Cave?

LJ

Hey Lucky Jim, thanks for responding.

I agree, that's sort of what I'm doing, I'm feeling the grief of losing the life I had (and all the emotions that come with it) and trying to add some of the things from the past back into my life. Like connecting to friends more, and playing video games (something I used to have a passion for).

It's very slow though, I've been working through issues for years on and off, and when one issue gets resolved another one pops up. I think the gravity and duration of the pain (was with her for 10 years), along with the confusion and dysfunction of the relationship, makes it hard to unwind, but I am unwinding it.